Birds and Bats: A Parody Musical


[Book by Maeve Kelley Baker
Music and Lyrics by Maeve Kelley Baker and Lee Simes
Composition by Brett Miller] COMPUTER: Initiating Batwing start-up sequence. ALFRED: The Batwing, sir? BRUCE: Yes. We’re going to Nanda Parbat. ALFRED: We? BRUCE: I’m taking the boys with me. BRUCE: Alfred, I’m actually glad I got the chance to talk to you, alone. ALFRED: Is everything alright, sir? BRUCE: I’m just worried about the task at hand. ALFRED: This mission? I fail to understand why this one is different from the rest. BRUCE: Alfred. I have a son. ALFRED: You have three. BRUCE: I have one by Talia Al-Ghul. That I haven’t known about. For thirteen years. Do you have letters? ALFRED: Yes, but sir, are you one hundred percent– COMPUTER: Batwing start-up sequence complete. BRUCE: Alfred, no matter what happens tonight, I want you to know that I will always be thankful to you, for being my father. ALFRED: [Coughs.] Shall I call the boys? BRUCE: Yes. ALFRED: Master Bruce? BRUCE: Yes? ALFRED: Stay safe. BRUCE: What could possibly go wrong? ALFRED: Go rescue your son. ALFRED: Son. [MUSIC: Look Above] BRUCE: Boys you need to listen Because after tonight’s mission COMPUTER: Nanda Parbat is in range. BRUCE: Everything will change You need to know tonight That I trust your strength and might It’s all in the family So let’s keep this game…friendly [Laughter] DICK: Ass-kicking is my thing I’m Dick, call me Nightwing Got my acrobatics and batgear Villains will feel fear TIM: Tim Drake is the name Fighting crime is the game But at night, they call me Robin I leave villains sobbin’– JASON: Syke! Y’all thought I was dead Put on a helmet that is red You know Jason Todd is Red Hood Is that understood? JASON/TIM/DICK: Cause we are the start of this family We were Robins first So do your worst. So do your worst.
BRUCE: Boys, through here. JASON/TIM/DICK/BRUCE: You don’t wanna mess with us [Ohhohh] Cause if you do, you’ll get the rest of us [Woah oh] We fight for Gotham the city we love So you villans better look above [Dialogue] JASON: Stay down! EVIL DUDE: [Groans] You’re too late. The Al-Ghul’s are getting away. TIM: Where are they going? DICK: Why are they going? EVIL DUDE: [Makes shrugging noise] JASON: Alright. You wanna try that again? EVIL DUDE: Oh, god, ugh fine. They’re heading towards Gotham city, lame-os. DICK: What are they gonna do in Gotham? EVIL DUDE: [Makes explosion noise] JASON: Alright, enough with the noises buddy! BRUCE: Jason. Put that guy down. DICK: Bruce. Talia and her father are in the helicopter headed towards Gotham with what we believe is a bomb. But this guy isn’t telling us much. Especially now that Jason has knocked him out. JASON: Hey, I didn’t kill him, so there’s that. TIM: So what’s the plan? BRUCE: You three clear a pathway for me to the helicopter. I will go stop Talia. Once the path is clear, you three rescue my son. JASON: Alright. DICK: Uh-oh. JASON: Uhhhh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bad bad guys, bad guys, bad guys, bad guys. TIM: Alright alright just post up – [DICK and JASON arguing] TIM: Guys. Guys! Stop fighting in front of the bad guys. We’re looking bad – JASON: We’re not fighting! DICK: We’re not fighting, it’s fine. JASON: Jesus Christ. Tim, shut up. TIM: What?! [Singing] JASON/TIM/DICK: We are the start of this family We were robins first So do your worst! AL-GHUL GOONS: Everything will change.
Everything will change.
Everything will change! JASON/TIM/DICK: Brothers in arms But our blood is not our bond. But our blood is not our bond.
BRUCE: It’s all in the family. JASON/TIM/DICK: From dangers and harms
We’ll protect the world from beyond! JASON/TIM/DICK: You don’t wanna mess with us [Ohhohh] Cause if you do, you’ll get the rest of us [Woah oh] We fight for Gotham the city we love So you villains better look above! [Dialogue] TIM: He’s up on the helicopter. We gotta – TIM: Of course, more bad guys.
DAMIAN: AAAAAHHHHHHH! DICK: Wait, wait, wait! That’s his son. It looks like he is fighting against the Al-Ghul’s goons- DAMIAN: Name yourselves! JASON: Alright! You missed the intro. I’m Red Hood. That guy is Nightwing, that nerd is Robin. DAMIAN: Where is my father? TIM: He’s up on the helicopter. We’ll finish explaining as soon as we get this dude out of the way. JASON: Do you know how to fight? [DAMIAN yells and beats up dude] DAMIAN: Of course I do. JASON: Jesus Christ! DAMIAN: I thought you guys were heroes? TIM/JASON: Yeah, we are! DAMIAN: Then fight! Pussies! JASON: Well there’s nobody to fight yet! TIM: This is a kids’ show! JASON: What is happening!? JASON: Just stay over there.
DAMIAN: Go!
JASON: No! [Singing] JASON/TIM/DICK/DAMIAN: You don’t wanna mess with us [Ohhohh] Cause if you do, you’ll get the rest of us [Woah oh] We fight for Gotham the city we love So you villains better look above! JASON/TIM/DICK: We are the start
DAMIAN:[Overlapping] You don’t wanna mess with us Ohhohh JASON/TIM/DICK: Of this family
DAMIAN: [Overlapping] Cause if you do, you’ll get the rest of us Woah oh DAMIAN: We fight for Gotham the city we love JASON/TIM/DICK: Of this family!
DAMIAN: [Overlapping] So you villans better look above! JASON/TIM/DICK/DAMIAN/GOONS: Look above. Look above. Look above! [EXPLOSION] [EXPLOSION]
AL-GHUL GOONS: Everything will change! [MUSIC ENDS] JASON: So the helicopter just exploded. TIM: Bruce, come in. Come in! DICK: My earpiece must have gotten damaged in the fight. Tim tell him we have his son. TIM: Bruce we have your son. Come in. I don’t think he can hear us. DAMIAN: It is not likely he survived that explosion. JASON: Listen buddy, you don’t know Bruce very well, but he has this really annoying quality where he can survive everything. So… TIM: How do we know you didn’t plan this? Or that you’re not just Talia’s pawn? DAMIAN: I am no pawn of my mother’s. I’ll have you know I took great lengths to ensure she was not aware of your arrival. I was not aware of the bomb in the helicopter! TIM: Whatever. Listen, you don’t know Bruce, ok? He doesn’t just die. JASON: He might be right.
TIM: Jason, we’ve seen him survive worse.
JASON: I don’t know if we have, Tim. DICK: Hey, what’s your name, buddy? DAMIAN: I am Damian if you must know, peasants! JASON: I’m sorry. Did he just say-
DICK: Let it go for now. DAMIAN: My father along side my grandfather and my mother all died in that explosion. JASON: Alright Dami, can I call you Dami? DAMIAN: No!
JASON: Ok then, demon! We don’t know what the status of your pops is. But we’re gonna find out. DICK: Tim, figure out what happened to Bruce. Jay and I will get the kid. DAMIAN: I’m not a kid. And why should I trust you, Dick? If that even is your real name. DICK: It’s a nickname. My name is Richard. [Laughter] DAMIAN: And you chose Dick as a nickname? DICK: Listen, Damian, you don’t have to trust us. But your father intended on us bringing you home. DICK: And if those were his last wishes, I really don’t want to dishonor them. DAMIAN: Fine.
DICK: Alright. C’mon Jay, let’s go. Tim, keep us updated.
TIM: Will do, dude. JASON: Let’s bounce kid.
DAMIAN: Like I said before, I am not a kid! JASON: Alright! Let’s go, toddler! DICK: Come on the both of you. TIM: Alright, focus. Focus! You’re searching for Bruce and searching for clues. Searching for clues and searching for Bruce. Hey that actually is kinda catchy. It rhymes. It would make a really good song. TIM:[Musically] I’m searching for Bruce and searching for clues And looking AROUND-
STEPHANIE: Damn it. Damn it! Damn! SHit, fucking fuck- STEPHANIE/TIM: [Screaming!] STEPHANIE/TIM: Who are you? Who am I? I asked you first. No, I asked you first! Stop that! I’ll fight you. I’ll fight you harder. STOP THAT!!! STEPHANIE: Oh my god! Let’s both of us just take a breath. TIM: Who do you work for? STEPHANIE: Or not. TIM: Well? STEPHANIE: Well, I could ask you the same thing. TIM: Well, I’m here on a rescue mission. STEPHANIE: Well, I see. TIM: What are you doing here? Are you trying to get revenge on someone? Kill someone?! STEPHANIE: No! No! No! I was following an escaped criminal here. TIM: Oh… So you’re not a villain? STEPHANIE: No. Are you? TIM: No. So… what are you? STEPHANIE: I’m, uh, a vigilante of sorts– some might say hero. TIM: Oh! What, really? Me too! STEPHANIE: Oh then you should get back to your mission. I don’t want to stop you, fellow vigilante. TIM: Oh, no. It’s all cool. STEPHANIE: … I’m sorry, what? TIM: Well we already rescued him, so… STEPHANIE: So what are you still doing here? TIM: Oh– I’m searching for clues. Mission didn’t go quite as expected. STEPHANIE: Ya, I feel that home-skillet. Wait! Was that you guys with that explosion? That was crazy. I was like “Woah!”
TIM: Yeah! It was- No. Umm actually I don’t really know if I can tell you. STEPHANIE: Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense. TIM: So uhh… what’s up with you? STEPHANIE: Uhh I have to go get back to my mission, but uhh good luck Sherlock. Peace out. TIM: Oh yeah that’s- No! Wait! Umm. Where do you vigilanticize? STEPHANIE: Where’s the fun in telling you that? TIM: Oh, well I mean if you’re near me we can check out this really dope spot called Big Joe’s Coffee and it’s really– She’s gone. Nice one, Timothy. What was I doing? FUCK! Bruce! Bruce. Come in. Come in! I know you’re alive. I just need proof! [Dramatic sigh] [MUSIC: NEWS THEME] CAT GRANT: [Dialogue] Good Metropolis morning I am Special Reporter Cat Grant, coming to the Daily Planet live from Gotham City. As you know, I am here on a special assignment, in light of Batman’s recent disappearance, which sent shock waves through Gotham City, the Justice League, and the Universe. When asked for further comment, Metropolis’ very own Big Blue Boyscout made it very clear that the information we were asking for was classified, And not to inquire any further. G. GORDON GODFREY: [Dialogue] Welcome back to GBS, I am G. Gordon Godfrey. As you know, we here have been discussing the sudden disappearance of Bruce Wayne for three months now. Some think he’s on vacation. Others believe he’s doing humanitarian work in Bialya. But this occurrence only confirms what we have been talking about all along… Bruce Wayne is a Martian and his lover is Batman! VIKKI VALE: [Dialogue] Hello, hello, hello, and Good Gotham! It’s Vikki Vale for Gotham city news. It seems like nothing will stop this never-ending fog this city has. Ah ha, city smog. Alright now let’s get to Gotham city news. A recent poll shows that city morale is at an all time low. Experts suggest that this drop in morale is due to the now three-month disappearance of our city’s most beloved vigilante, Batman. And in other news, there has been no comment from Wayne Enterprises about the long disappearance of Bruce Wayne. Is it just a long vacation? Or something more? Join us tonight at 10 for “Mr. Wayne’s vacation.” And after that we have Commissioner Jim Gordon commenting on the Batman-Bruce Wayne dating rumor? And then after that Jimmy Olson will tell you how to take the perfect superhero pic on your new Polaroid camera. More at 8. [MUSIC ENDS] JASON: Huh. Wow. That Batman-Bruce Wayne dating rumor really took off. TIM: Yeah, thanks for that. Did you know that Jay was the one who started that rumor, Dick? JASON: I have no idea what you’re talking about. TIM: You literally just admitted to saying it. JASON: No, I don’t think I did, Timothy. TIM: Dick! DICK: Jason. JASON: Dick. DICK: Alright guys crime rates are rising and morale is low- JASON: -and Batman is dead. TIM Well we never found the body, he could possibly still be alive. JASON: And you could possibly still be an idiot. TIM: Whatever. JASON: Tim. He died in an explosion, there’s not gonna be a body. Plus, it’s been three months since then. You think he would’ve turned up by now. TIM: Well, we thought you were dead for years and you’re still here. JASON: Rude. But fair point. Counterpoint – my body was still intact and I was placed in a magical well thingy that brought me back to life. DICK: The Lazarus Pit?
JASON: Sure, sure- But even if we had access to a body for that, the people that own it, the Al-Ghuls, they’re dead right alongside Bruce. TIM: They’re supposedly dead. JASON: Listen, kid, in the ever-wise words of TLC: Don’t go chasing waterfalls. DICK: Jason is right. TIM: [Mockingly] Jason is right. DICK: On another note, Babs and I have been talking and- JASON: OH! So you and Commissioner Gordon’s daughter – aka Batgirl, aka Barbara Gordon, aka Babs- have been talking? DICK: Yes.
TIM: Spicy! DICK: Alright, alright, we’re just friends. JASON: Sure. Sure.
TIM: Whatever you say, Dick. JASON: So, what were you guys thinking? TIM: Well the city needs hope. They need to see Batman again right? DICK: Well right now for obvious reasons, that can’t happen. JASON: Listen, I can just bamboozle of all the evil-doers for ya.
You know, Murderers, bank robbers, tax-evasionists, you know –
DICK: Jason, no–
JASON: Just the run of the mill criminal! DICK: Killing is only going to make people more afraid. JASON: Fine. Y’all losers are no fun. Especially you Tim. Bitch. DICK: What this city needs is hope. I think it’s time we give Damian the suit.
TIM: What? JASON: Is the toddler even ready?
TIM: No, I still think he’s way too aggressive! DICK: Come on. We talked about this. It’s time for you to be a new hero and give-
TIM: No. No! No. I don’t wanna. I don’t want too. I don’t-
JASON: Told you he was gonna throw a tantrum.
TIM: I am not-!!! throwing a tantrum!!! JASON: Ok! Then tell us your new hero name. You’re not Robin anymore so now you’re… TIM: Red Robin. JASON: Jesus Fucking Christ.
[Audience Laughter] [Audience Laughter] DICK: That’s a … name.
JASON: Definitely A Name. Just, move on before I lose my shit. DICK: Ok. So we know Damian is great at combat. But he’s not so great at interacting with others. TIM: You don’t say. DICK: But I think he needs to know what it will be like. So let’s start THE song. Yeah? So we can train him to be a sidekick. TIM: Wait. Who’s he gonna be a sidekick for? DICK: Me. JASON: [Laughing] Nightwing and Robin does not have the same ring to it. DICK: Let’s just try it out, ok? TIM: Wait. If he’s going to be interacting with us shouldn’t Ba- shouldn’t Babs be here? JASON: Oh yeah. I mean she was never a Robin but like she is gonna have to work with him. [Pager beep] DICK: Actually, Babs just paged me. So… Let me go and uhh- TIM: Freshen up?
JASON: He’s gotta look cute for his boo thang.
DICK: I’ll be back. [Audience Laughter] TIM: Hey, how long do you think he’s been pining after Babs? JASON: Oh it’s been…Too freaking long for me to even realize- And Here she is! How’s it going, girl?
BARBARA: Hey guys! Jason, let’s catch up. It’s been awhile. How are your significant others doing? JASON: Ohh, you know Roy and Artemis are doing great. How’s your pops? Your daddio, the old commish. BARBARA: You know, my dad won’t say it out loud, but I can tell, he misses his buddy. JASON: Can’t say I blame him. BARBARA: And how are you, Jay? JASON: Peachy. You? DICK: Hey Babs. [DickBabs Theme plays] BARBARA: Oh. Hey! Dick. [DickBabs Theme plays] [DickBabs Theme plays] JASON: EHEM. [Music stops] TIM: Jason’s right guys. Meeting? DICK: [At the same time] Oh. Right. Meeting. Yes.
BARBARA: [At the same time] Ahh. Yeah. Meeting. Of course. BARBARA: Uhh. So did you talk to them about Damian being Robin? DICK: Yes. And we are in agreement that it’s time. TIM: I mean, are we really? DICK: Damian! Get out here. DAMIAN: Yes, Grayson? DICK: Oh. You’re already here. JASON: Wait a minute. Why have you only been calling us by our last names? I’ve been wondering that for –
DAMIAN: Because I want to, Todd. JASON: That’s not the answer. DICK: Ok, Damian, we as a group, think it’s time to make you Robin, ‘officially.’ DAMIAN: Finally.
[Barbara Running Sounds] BARBARA: Uhh, Damian! Everyone here is part of a team. And I know that you know the best teams know each other inside and out. DAMIAN: That is true. BARBARA: These are all your siblings. All a part of the same family. DAMIAN: They’re not my family by blood. BARBARA: But they’ve all been adopted by Bruce. And all of them have been Robin. TIM: Stop poking me, Jason! BARBARA: They know what they are doing, for the most part. DAMIAN: And you? BARBARA: Oh, well. I’m Batgirl. DAMIAN: I know you’re smarter than them through my extensive research- TIM: Excuse me?!- DAMIAN: And I will trust you on that. BARBARA: You won’t regret it. Family is a good thing. DAMIAN: I see. So this is when you guys start singing? DICK: Oh yeah. Hit it!
[MUSIC: Robin’s Call] [MUSIC: Robin’s Call] DICK: [V.O.] Hey ladies. It’s your favorite heroes here. TIM: [V.O.] Coming back to you with our greatest hit baby. JASON: [V.O.] You know our lives, you know our legends, you know our- adventures πŸ˜‰ But you’re about to hear ’em again in a Whole New Way DICK/JASON/TIM: [V.O] We are “R-Cubed” And this is… ‘The Robin’s Call.’ BARBARA: Robin call in order, let’s see… DICK: My name is Dick Grayson and I’m the OG. JASON: Number two is Jason and that would be me. TIM: Up next is Tim who is number three! JASON/TIM/DICK: We were Robins We have a lot to share We’re your family now So pretend to care If we share with you, It’ll help you grow You’ve got lots to learn And lots to know BARBARA: Tell us about your first family. JASON: My dad was a criminal and my adopted mom was dead. I lived on the streets so I stole to get ahead! DICK: My parents and I were acrobats in the circus till they got killed. Those days left me agile and fast and obviously skilled. TIM: My life is not as horribly tragic as those two. But my dad just died so I sorta get what they go through. [Awkward silence from everyone]
[Audience Laughter] BARBARA: Tell us how did you meet Bruce? TIM: With much sleuthing, I actually convinced Bruce To let me be a sidekick and be of use. JASON: Bruce saw me stealing tires from the Batmobile He would adopt me, but no stealing was the deal. DICK: Bruce adopted me and realized what I could do I could do splits and flips and maybe fight crime too JASON/TIM/DICK: We were Robins We have a lot to share We’re your family now So pretend to care If we share with you, It’ll help you grow You have lots to learn and Lots to know DICK: I had to grow up, I knew I couldn’t be Robin forever. Clark suggested the name Nightwing and I thought that it was clever. TIM: With much fighting and because Dick forced me too. I’m giving up this position and giving it to you. JASON: So I went to find my birth mother and that’s how I died Joker killed me with a crowbar but I’m still alive!!! [Dialogue]
DAMIAN: Wait. You died? JASON: Ok so this part’s actually a lot- So, after I was killed by the Joker’s hand, my body was taken up by the Al-Ghul’s and put in the Lazarus pit. So then they trained me for awhile. And then I boned your mom for a while…
DAMIAN: What? JASON: So, anyway then I came back to Gotham and I found out that my killer, the Joker, Was still alive and Bruce didn’t avenge me, So I became a new hero, Red Hood. DICK: Don’t worry, you’ll hear this story more than once. JASON: So anyway, I started killing criminals with guns – You know, as one does. And you know Bruce with killing and guns… You know how that goes. So we were beefing for awhile, Then it got better. Then it got worse again. And then he punched me in the face. And then it got better! Um, so yeah. Now I stand here, a god, before you. [Audience Laughter] What? JASON/TIM/DICK: We were Robins We have a lot to share We’re your family now so pretend to care If we share with you, It’ll help you grow You have lots to learn and lots to know. [Dialogue]
DAMIAN: What about her backstory? BARBARA: Oh! This is just a song about the Robins. But if you want to know my backstory – DAMIAN: I already know your backstory-
BARBARA: I’m the daughter of Commissioner Gordon, An old friend of Bruce. I wanted to seek truth and justice and all that jazz, but the police academy said no. So I decided to become a vigilante and I went out at night as Batgirl. Actually fun fact, Dick and I started around the same time. DICK: Oh yeah, We sure did. DAMIAN: And him? I have not researched him thoroughly. He’s backstory is the only one I do not know. BARBARA: Oh? Alfred. TIM: Well, he doesn’t sing. JASON: And he never a Robin. I mean this song is specifically about Robins of the past. TIM: And his backstory is so long- ALFRED: It all started when-
DICK: Let’s start the bridge now! DICK/JASON/TIM: [Singing] What helped us be strong Is that we were part of something bigger all along We’re your family now So we’ll be here for you all day long So let’s start to wrap up this song JASON/TIM/DICK/BARBARA/ALFRED/DAMIAN:
We were Robins We have a lot to share We’re your family now so pretend to care If we share with you, it’ll help you grow You have lots to learn and lots to know Lots to know! [Audience Applause] [MUSIC ENDS] DAMIAN: That song was pointless. TIM: No, the point of the song is that we all have strengths and – DAMIAN: When do I get my suit? DICK: Well, we need to do a little bit more training first. Robin is a Gotham public figure and we have to make sure you’re ready for the responsibility, buddy. DAMIAN: I am ready. I have been ready. I am the blood son of Batman so I am the most truest and deserving Robin. TIM: Are you now? DAMIAN: Based on what I heard It is clear that the best Robin here… Would be you, Grayson. BARBARA: Ahh! Damian, once you can interact sort of nicely with civilians, you’re able to be Robin. DAMIAN: Why civilians? Why can’t it be animals? DICK: Because Damian, we save civilians and animals. DAMIAN: I should be able to be Robin now. TIM: WHEW! You are annoying, Damian. Do you know that? Very annoying. DAMIAN: If everyone here took a vote they would say that about you, Timothy. JASON: Ohhhhhhh! TIM: Dick, let me continue being Robin, he clearly can’t handle-
DAMIAN: I can handle anything and everything thank you very much.
TIM: Can you? Can you handle a punch to the face?
DAMIAN: Ha! Ha! Ha! JASON: I wish I had popcorn. DAMIAN: [Overlapping] My training is far superior to yours and I could easily beat you in a fight–
TIM: [Overlapping] Ohh! Look at me, I’M DAMIAN! I think I’m– BARBARA: Both of you! DAMIAN: You do not deserve to be Robin!!! TIM: You never deserved to be rescued!!!
JASON: Hey! Tim! Too far. Take a walk. DICK: Everybody. Clear the room.
[DAMIAN pounds angrily on the floor] I need to speak with Damian. Privately. JASON: Let’s go Tim. TIM: Have fun. Dick. Hey! I’m going!
[DAMIAN pounds angrily on the floor] BARBARA: It’s actually perfect timing, because I was gonna go have one last patrol with Kate before she left for London with Renee.
[DAMIAN pounds angrily on the floor] The first full meeting was bound to be rough.
[DAMIAN pounds angrily on the floor] Good luck, Dick. DICK: Thanks, Babs. Hey, buddy. DAMIAN: I am not a buddy. DICK: Listen Damian, I really wanna give you the suit- DAMIAN: As is deserved. DICK: But we really need to work on your people skills before we do. DAMIAN: Fine. How do I train and improve that? DICK: I think I have an idea. DAMIAN: Ok, well let us get this over with. The sooner we get this done with the better. DICK: Well, actually I need to do a few things first. How about you go pick out a Robin costume? DAMIAN: Grayson? DICK: What’s up? DAMIAN: Did my father come to rescue me? DICK: He wouldn’t’ve if he knew what a pain you were. DAMIAN: Did I deserve to be rescued? DICK: Look, don’t listen to Tim. He’s an idiot. DAMIAN: That is true. DICK: Bruce, he came for you. You are his son, you know. DAMIAN: I was his son. DICK: You still are. Now go pick out a Robin outfit. ALFRED: Master Dick, Are you alright? DICK: Yeah, I’m alright. ALFRED: You know I can tell when you’re lying. DICK: I know – It’s just been a lot. It feels like we’ve been in denial for a month. Mourning for a month! And it feels like we should be getting better by now. But we aren’t. ALFRED: I see. DICK: The whole reason we’re family, is because of Bruce. And now that he’s gone… I mean it feels like we’re one disaster away from falling apart. Tim started yelling at Damian because he didn’t want to give up being Robin! ALFRED: Perhaps Timothy did not want to give up being Robin because he felt like he was giving up Batman. DICK: None of us want to give up Batman, but he’s gone. ALFRED: No. Bruce is gone. DICK: Alfred, you’re like a wise ol’ grandpa. You should just lead the meetings. ALFRED: Richard, in that explosion you lost a father. I lost a son. It will be difficult, but perhaps together we can make up for our loss. DICK: I guess, now We are papa. [They both chuckle] ALFRED: I guess so. Now let’s get you those cucumber sandwiches you love so much. DICK: Oh. I do love those.
[MUSIC: Birds and Bats] [DIALOGUE]
DICK: Actually umm, I’m gonna stay here for a minute. ALFRED: I see…papa. [Chuckles] DAMIAN: So it was Batman and Robin? So you’re Batman, and I’m Robin. [SINGING] I wish that you were here So I could meet my father I am the best do not fear I will do it for your honor DAMIAN/DICK: Anything for your honor DICK: Like Daedalus, you built my wings and like Icarus, I did fly. And together we were Birds and Bats in the sky. DAMIAN: And if I fly too high The sun will melt my wings. DICK: And if I go too low I drown and never know anything. DAMIAN: So here are the wings. DICK: But what was the cost? DAMIAN: The night is coming And I’m getting lost. DICK: Could I teach him to fly Like the Birds and Bats in the sky? DAMIAN: So I look to the sky DICK: Do I fly or do I drown? DAMIAN: When do I go low or high? DICK: I feel like I’m just going down. DICK/DAMIAN: I see him within you. I will make you proud. And we will fly on our wings. Let’s launch off the ground! DICK: Ground!
DAMIAN: And if I fly too high DAMIAN: And if I fly too high DICK: I will be right here to guide you. DAMIAN: And if I go too low DICK: I will be right there beside you. So here are your wings. DAMIAN: And I’m ready to fly. DAMIAN/DICK: We’re Birds and Bats DICK: Damian and Dick DAMIAN: Nightwing and Robin A hero and sidekick! DICK/DAMIAN: In the sky Let us go and fly! Fly. [Applause] DAMIAN: Agh! [Applause] [MUSIC Ends] [Applause] DICK: Let’s go get you some cucumber sandwiches. DAMIAN: And then we train? DICK: Yeah! And then we train. DAMIAN: Yeah! [Laughter] TIM: I’m not gonna let him get to me. I’m NOT gonna let him get to me! He’s not getting to me!!! Oh my god, he’s getting to me. BARBARA: Tim? [Handshakes Sounds] [Basically Barbara and Tim do a dope handshake] TIM: God, you always know how to make me feel better. BARBARA: Do you wanna go and patrol? TIM: Uhhh. Not tonight. But uh, take care of yourself ok? BARBARA: You too…? STEPHANIE: [Offstage] Yeah! Come at me. Try again. Do it! OH!! OO! UGH!!! Ugh. Uhhh. Uh. Crap on a stick! Another criminal gets away. Nice one Stephanie. [Groaning] No. It’s ok. You’re just getting better. You just gotta punch them harder and be faster and be better- BARBARA: Hi. Do you need a hand? STEPHANIE: Oh. Oh. OH– you’re, you’re, you’re, you’re- BARBARA: Trying to help you up? STEPHANIE: Yes, yes. Ha. Ha. Yes. Yes. Sorry. I’m so embarrassed. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna bounce – [Hyperventilating] I just wanna say you’re my inspiration. A badass. And my hero. [Nervous chuckle] And that’s all. Ok. Bye. BARBARA: Oh no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What’s uhh- What’s your name? STEPHANIE: My name? You wanna know my name? BARBARA: Yes? STEPHANIE: [Clears throat] Spoiler alert! I’m Spoiler. That was lame, I’m sorry. Umm- I’m – I’m a vigilante, a hero, a lover of the color purple. I’m Spoiler. BARBARA: Well it’s nice to meet you Spoiler, I’m– STEPHANIE: I know who you are! You’re Batgirl! And I’m talking to you. Oh my god, I just interrupted you. I’m so sorry Batgirl. BARBARA: Ah, Spoiler? STEPHANIE: Yes, Batgirl? BARBARA: Let’s talk. STEPHANIE: Ok, Batgirl, whatever you say, Batgirl. You’re the best, Batgirl! BARBARA: And let’s take a breath from the compliments just for now. STEPHANIE: I’ll try. [Nervous chuckle] BARBARA: You haven’t been trained by anyone, have you? STEPHANIE: Was it that easy to tell? BARBARA: [Dry chuckle] BARBARA: Spoiler, the life of a vigilante, It’s very dangerous. STEPHANIE: You don’t have to tell me Batgirl. Danger is my middle name. No, actually it’s Gail. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you. You’re just so cool- BARBARA: It’s okay. It’s dangerous being out here on your own. Do you mind telling me why you decided to become Spoiler? STEPHANIE: Because I have to, ya know? BARBARA: You have to? Nobody has to. STEPHANIE: Alright so uh… Backstory Time! Uh- My father’s a criminal. But not just like any criminal, he’s like an evil villain. Cluemaster. And he sucks. But I couldn’t just let the people of Gotham suffer like my mom and I. So I decided to do something. And I got him back into Arkham and back out of my mom and my life. You know, I actually kinda worked with Batman a little bit when he was around. [Slight chuckle] BARBARA: You did? STEPHANIE: Well, I helped him spoil my father’s plans and so he was able to find and catch him. So, I count it. I mean I don’t wanna brag, but I thought it was pretty cool. BARBARA: I do remember that, actually. And Cluemaster, before they put him in Arkham. I prefer him to Riddler, that is for sure. STEPHANIE: Batgirl? So umm——
BARBARA: Yes? STEPHANIE: Why do you do it? BARBARA: My dad’s a cop. And uhh there are some slimy criminals who can get away with loopholes in the system. And I saw him struggling to catch said criminals. He just wants to make Gotham better. So I decided to train myself and help. STEPHANIE: I’m glad you did. I mean you were the first female hero I knew. BARBARA: Way too many BatMEN, am I right? STEPHANIE: [Light Chuckle] True that girl. Uhh Batgirl? BARBARA: Yes? STEPHANIE: I know we just met, but in the spirit of girl power and I feel like we just bonded and earlier you asked “Oh? Who trains you?” and I was like “Ahh, nobody!” so umm… Would you train me? BARBARA: Oh, Spoiler, I – ah– ALFRED: Miss Gordon, may I have a word? STEPHANIE: OH MY GOD. Did you hear that? BARBARA: Give me one second, Spoiler- STEPHANIE: Oakie Doakie Batgirl Oakie. ALFRED: My apologies Miss Gordon, I couldn’t help but overhear. BARBARA: That’s ok, Alfred. Is everything alright? ALFRED: Everything’s fine. But you hesitate to train this young vigilante? BARBARA: With ‘you know who’ missing it’s not exactly the best time. [Stephanie training noises in the background] ALFRED: In my experience, Miss Gordon,
[Stephanie training noises in the background] there never is a best time.
[Stephanie training noises in the background] BARBARA: Training someone is a lot and-
[Stephanie training noises in the background] ALFRED: Miss Gordon.
[Stephanie training noises in the background] [Stephanie training noises in the background] BARBARA: She does have a big heart.
[Stephanie training noises in the background] And we did just bond. But–
[Stephanie training noises in the background] What if I fail her?
[Stephanie training noises in the background] What if I’m no good at the whole
[Stephanie training noises in the background] Trainer slash mentor thing? ALFRED: Batgirl. BARBARA: You’re right, Alfred.
[Stephanie training noises in the background] BARBARA: We will train you. STEPHANIE/ALFRED: We? BARBARA: I! But you’re not off the hook. STEPHANIE: Oh my god. This is hands down the best day of my life! When do we start? BARBARA: Meet me here tomorrow. STEPHANIE: Yup yup yup! Oh wait! BARBARA: Yes? STEPHANIE: If you are going to train me you should know my real name. [Audience Laughter] BARBARA: I do, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE: Oh my god. Are you like one of those psychic heroes? BARBARA: You said it when I first walked in. STEPHANIE: Oh… BARBARA: See you tomorrow, Stephanie. STEPHANIE: Ohh, Umm- Call me Steph. That’s what my friends call me. And since we’re about to train together we’re about to become good friends. I mean maybe even best friends! Hopefully. BARBARA: Tomorrow the game begins, Steph. STEPHANIE: What just happened?! [MUSIC: Stephanie Brown]
STEPHANIE: [Dialogue] Steph! She called me Steph. STEPHANIE: [Singing] Did I hear that right? Does she know my name? Am I in this fight? Can I play her game? She agreed to train me and reshape me and do
All that stuff If I work hard and don’t give up then I’ll be good enough Throughout all my life I’ve been let down and felt just
Left behind But that’s okay now cause bad-ass is just a state of mind. I am Stephanie Brown I’m no ordinary girl No longer just the class clown. Now I’m Stephanie Brown And I’m training with Batgirl! Look for us around town We’ll never let you down. I am Stephanie Brown The building lights they shine like stars Constellations seen through passing cars The light above seems to be my sign Saying bad-ass is just a state of mine. But who needs stars? And who needs light? When there’s Stephanie Brown Spoiler’s in the fight. Spoiler’s in the fight! I am Stephanie Brown. I am Stephanie Brown! I am Stephanie Brown… I am Stephanie Brown!!! I am Stephanie Brown. [MUSIC ENDS] [Applause] [Lip popping sound 2x] DICK: Alright Damian, this is the last ‘please be nice to civilians task or else you won’t be Robin.’ DAMIAN: You should shorten that name. DICK: I like it. It has charm. DAMIAN: Can we please do the last task so I can officially be Robin? My most deserved title?
DICK: Your birthright, Blah blah blah. Look, see that civilian over there? All you have to do is go over there. Ask them how they’re doing and if they need any help. DAMIAN: Fine. [Damian grunts] [Deep breaths] Hello! Do you need any help? JEB’s COUSIN: Robin! No, I’m okay currently. But you never know in Gotham, know what I mean? DAMIAN: Ah-Ha! Yes, I do! JEB’s COUSIN: You look different. You get a haircut? DAMIAN: I’m am- Is there anything I can help you with? JEB’s COUSIN: Well like I said I’m ok currently. I have great luck. I’ve almost died like a thousand times, but you masked vigilantes always come rescue me. DAMIAN: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That’s so wonderful to hear. JEB’s COUSIN: Where’s Batman? Innit Batman and Robin, not Nightwing and Robin? DAMIAN: We are trying out something new. JEB’s COUSIN: Interesting. Well, I won’t keep you. Ohh! You’re a new Robin, that’s what’s different. Uhh. Tell old Robin, I guess that’s Red Robin, ‘Hello’ for me. Seeya around Robin! DAMIAN: Ok. Goodbye. How was that? DICK: You were so great! DAMIAN: Am I Robin now? DICK: I don’t know? DAMIAN: That was humiliating! You put me through so many humiliating tasks, interacting with peasants and I for one don’t like- [Does breathing exercises with Dick] DICK: You can be Robin now ‘officially.’ Let’s go get you some ice cream to celebrate. DAMIAN: HAA! DICK: AHH! REFLECTION: [Offstage] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha… JEB’s COUSIN: Robin?! REFLECTION: [Offstage] [Evil laughing continues] JEB’s COUSIN: Where’d you go?
REFLECTION: [Evil laughing continues] JEB’s COUSIN: Oh boy, I don’t think
REFLECTION: [Evil laughing continues] this is gonna end well for me.
REFLECTION: [Evil laughing continues] REFLECTION: Ahhh. Your luck has run out. JEB’s COUSIN: Who- Who are you? Why are you doing this to me!? Please stop! REFLECTION: Remind you of something? JEB’s COUSIN: Yeah, you remind me of most of Gotham’s creepy villains- But mostly the mirror-themed ones, like Mirror Master… Or, Mirror.. Or – REFLECTION: Enough! [Pained Noise] These powers I got when I survived- JEB’s COUSIN: Survived what? What are you talkin’ about?! REFLECTION: They let me use mirrors. And these mirrors tell me if you were ever supposed to die.
[MUSIC: Reflection] [Dialogue] And if you are supposed to die. The mirrors make sure that you do. JEB’s COUSIN: I am so confused. [Audience Laughter] REFLECTION: [Singing] Long ago back in 1985 I got in a crash with my family I was the only one to make it out alive That doesn’t mean I survived From that day on I was never the same Every time I saw a mirror these powers came Pretty soon I knew everything I could do Do you know who I am, I bet you guessed who. I’m your Reflection GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: What do you see
In the Reflection GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: What’ll it be?
In the Reflection GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: Second chances aren’t free. I am Reflection And death can’t escape me.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Reflection
Reflect Reflect Reflection GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Reflection
Reflect Reflect Reflection REFLECTION: [Dialogue] You see, what I see right now is someone who is drowning
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Reflection but got saved by one of those many heroes Gotham has.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Reflection JEB’s COUSIN: Batgirl saved my life!
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect REFLECTION: Batgirl! Ugh. She’s the worst.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection She was supposed to die so many times, frankly it’s annoying.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect All heroes face death and escape. But I’m here to change that
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection Reflect Reflect and I’ve already started.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection Reflect Reflect JEB’s COUSIN: Already started?
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection REFLECTION: I guess I can tell you because I’m about to kill you,
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect but Gotham’s beloved Dark Knight will not be returning.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection Reflect Reflect GOONS: Reflection JEB’s COUSIN: You killed Batman?
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect REFLECTION: I sure did.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection And you’re next. [Evil Laugh]
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect JEB’s COUSIN: Please. I’ll do anything, please.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection Reflect Reflect GOONS: Reflection REFLECTION: [SINGING] When you look in the mirror and you look at me I’m your killer, tell me is that what you see? I can see your whole life, but honestly, I don’t care I’m the place, I’m the thing, I’m the person of your nightmares! I am Reflection GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: What do you see
In the Reflection? GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: What’ll it be
In the Reflection? GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: Second chances aren’t free I am Reflection
[JEB’s COUSIN:[Coughs and dies]] And death can’t escape me.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect [Evil Laugh]
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection
Reflect Reflect Reflection REFLECTION: [DIALOGUE] Who is here?
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Looking at one of my Reflections?
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection TIM: Is that? Is that Bruce?
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect I can only see his reflection. But it’s him.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection REFLECTION: A hero? Not close enough for me to kill,
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect but I can see his life.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection TIM: I know it’s him! It’s–
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Wait, where’d he go?
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection REFLECTION: A glimpse of that life was enough for me to know.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Oh, heroes, it’s so easy to play with your minds.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection Reflect Reflect Hero, you are my key to get to all the others!
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection Reflect TIM: Bruce I know you’re alive!
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect I’m going to find you, I just need proof!
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection Then they’ll believe me.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect GOONS: Reflection REFLECTION: He still thinks his hero–
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect The Dark Knight, who I killed – is alive,
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflection and that will kill him.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect All heroes’ deaths are inevitable,
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection and soon they will come face to face with me.
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Reflection And once one is dead,
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection the rest are shattered!
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflect Reflect Reflection GOONS: Reflect Reflect Ha Ha Ha Ha!
GOONS: [Underneath] Reflection REFLECTION: [Singing] And if the mirror is cracked
GOONS: [Sustained AHHs] Do you believe the superstitions?
[Sustained AHHs] And if you think this isn’t fair
[Sustained AHHs] Rethink the definition.
[Sustained AHHs] I’m the fairest of them all!
[Sustained AHHs] But just you wait for the intermission.
[Sustained AHHs] But just you wait for the intermission.
SHOW-OFF GOON: [VERY LOUD AHH]
[Sustained AHHs] But just you wait for the intermission.
[Gunshot] REFLECTION: I’m your Reflection GOONS: [Very afraid] Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: So what do you see
In the Reflection? GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: What’ll it be
In the Reflection? GOONS: Refl-ec-tion REFLECTION: Second chances aren’t free! I am Reflection And death can’t escape me! REFLECTION: [Dialogue] Ha! Heroes of Gotham, I can’t wait to see the look on your faces. Reflection OUT! [MUSIC ENDS] [Applause] TIM: [Panicked breathing] BARBARA: Tim? Are you ok? TIM: Uhhh. Yeah-No? No. I’m not. Uhh, Babs, tell me something- do you believe in ghosts? BARBARA: What’s going on? TIM: I-I just saw something and I, I, I don’t know if I can believe it. If it’s real? I don’t know what’s going on. BARBARA: Hey! Do you want a hug?
TIM: Yeah. BARBARA: It’s ok buddy. TIM: Thanks. You really do know how to cheer up a guy. BARBARA: [Mouths] Ok..? STEPHANIE: Alrighty! I am here and ultra-ready to train. Where’s Batgirl? Oh well, I guess I’ll start without her. I’ll do some push-ups. Wait! No! What if this throws off her entire training routine? I better not. Uh. Batgirl?! Am I early or…? What if she wasn’t serious about training me? What if this was all a part of some prank? That would be fucked up. [Gasps] Or what if She’s been kidnapped and she needs my help and I have to go rescue her. Even though she’s supposed to be train- [Screams] BARBARA: First rule you need to know – the element of surprise is your second greatest weapon. STEPHANIE: Ok. BARBARA: The first will be your intelligence. You need your mind to be resourceful, plan ahead, and most importantly, Have a witty retort to anything your adversary may say. STEPHANIE: Is that really the most important thing? Because I always thought that- BARBARA: Yes. Now get up. STEPHANIE: Ok. OOOOHH WHOO WHO. WhO! Who is this? A villian? A goon? BARBARA: Uhh. Stephanie, this is, A– This is Batboy! This is Batboy. STEPHANIE: No offense, but isn’t he a little old to be calling himself Batboy? ALFRED: I think you’ll find I’m a little more spry than I look.
[MUSIC: Fight for your Life] BARBARA: [Dialogue] Exactly. Now, let’s get started with your training. Batboy, hit it.
ALFRED: [Dialogue] Certainly. BARBARA: [Singing] Listen up girl cause here’s the story We fight criminals but not for glory. We take the pain and use it for gain. You have to play the game correctly. STEPHANIE: Ok. BARBARA: Pay close attention that’s the trick. STEPHANIE: Alright! BARBARA: If you wanna take them down just watch me Distract then punch then twirl and kick! GOON: URGH! BARBARA: Fight fight fight for your life BARBARA [ALFRED]: You gotta learn [learn] learn adapt and survive. BARBARA: And you can’t ever give up Cause playing the game is not enough You gotta fight for your life. They’ll think that they can beat you Cause you’re a girl so see to That they know what you can do You gotta fight for your life Punch, kick, and stand your ground Don’t blow a fuse! Don’t blow a fuse!
GOON: AAHH! BARBARA: Anticipate their actions BARBARA: Then they will lose… BARBARA: Then they will lose…
ALFRED: Then they will lose. ALFRED: Then they will lose.
STEPHANIE: Then they will lose STEPHANIE: Yeah! BARBARA/ALFRED: Fight fight fight for your life
STEPHANIE: [Underneath] Fight fight fight for my life BARBARA: You gotta learn ALFRED: Learn STEPHANIE: Learn BARBARA/STEPHANIE/ALFRED: Adapt and survive BARBARA/ALFRED: And you can’t ever give up
STEPHANIE: [Underneath] And I can’t ever give up BARBARA/ALFRED/STEPHANIE: Cause playing the game is not enough BARBARA/ALFRED: You gotta fight for your life
STEPHANIE: [Underneath] I gotta fight for my life GOON 1: Boom! GOON 2: Wham! Goon 3: Pow! BARBARA/ALFRED/STEPHANIE: You gotta fight, fight Fight your life! [GOON Falling noise]
[MUSIC Ends] [MUSIC Ends]
[Applause] STEPHANIE: Boo-yah! I feel ready to kick some ass. BARBARA: [Chuckles] I’m glad. So what’re you doing after this? STEPHANIE: Well my mom usually works late Saturday nights, so
[GOON Scuttling noise] I just go home and watch “Saved by the Bell” until I fall asleep. Oh! Sometimes I go to Big Joe’s coffee shop. They have this open mic night thing every other Saturday. But uh it’s next Saturday. So uhh… “Saved By the Bell” it is! BARBARA: Well, why don’t you go hang with your friends? STEPHANIE: I just hung out with you guys. Oh. Oh, you meant like besides you both. Oh. Umm, well, well, I just moved to this new part of town, so I – So I don’t really know anyone yet. Umm. Also there’s not really like school to get to know people. Plus my dad’s whole criminalness kinda put a damper on the having friends aspect of my life. So I am a little short on friends at the moment. But that’s ok! BARBARA: I see. STEPHANIE: [Deep Inhale] Well, “Saved by the Bell” won’t watch itself. [Audience’s laughter decrescendos into Aww’s] ALFRED: Eherm. Batgirl. BARBARA: Uh, yes, Spoiler… Uhh We’ve trained for a whole song now, I feel like we should get to know each other a little bit more. STEPHANIE: This is so awesome! [Giggle] BARBARA: Uhhh kay. Uhhh…. As you know, my dad is a cop. I attend Burnside College, where I work part-time as a librarian. Umm. I’ve been Batgirl since I was young. I’m in this weird on/off thing with this guy that I’ve known for like, forever but I’m pretty one-hundred percent sure that he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with me. I mean we’ve tried before, it just never seems like it– ALFRED: Pardon my candor, Batgirl, but that he is, as the kids say, buggin’. STEPHANIE: Batboy is right, girl! You are like totally kickass, I mean like you’re super smart, you have a great ass- BARBARA: He has a better ass than me. [Laughter] STEPHANIE: Well, that doesn’t make your ass any less kick-ass. You are like, the most awesome girl ever and if he doesn’t want that well- Well he is a dick. [Laughter] BARBARA: Aha! You don’t even know! Alright Batboy, I think it’s your turn to share some things! ALFRED: You can call me Alfred, Steph. STEPHANIE: I am like so honored and touched that you would share that with me. ALFRED: My true story begins when I killed my first man in ‘Nam– STEPHANIE: I feel like I should share more about myself. BARBARA: Oh! Steph, you don’t have to do that-
STEPHANIE: So uhh let’s see. Well you already know about my parents. Oh! I collect Beanie Babies. My favorite color is purple- specifically Mauve. I love lavender – both the flower and the smell. I think my dad escaped Arkham. I’m a HUGE Backstreet Boys fan- though I like do like *NSyncs songs I just don’t — BARBARA: Uh! Woah. Back up–
STEPHANIE: No! It’s not that I don’t like *NSync, I just think that the Backstreet Boys have like a better group dynamic. [Laughter] BARBARA: Spoiler, you think your father escaped prison? STEPHANIE: I’m not actually sure. BARBARA: What do you mean? STEPHANIE: I thought I saw him one day. Which was bad because I was the one who helped Batman catch him. I mean I call myself Spoiler because I spoiled all his evil plans or whatever. But– Seeing him, well it didn’t make sense. So I followed him. And it brought me to this weird island- and there was this explosion like [mimics explosion noise] And… I didn’t get to see what he was doing there. Next thing I know he’s gone – there’s no trace of him. And I go back to the prison and they said he never left. BARBARA: You followed him to an island? ALFRED: That is quite impressive, Miss Steph. STEPHANIE: He still got away. I know that I should have told you guys about this sooner. I- I just thought I could do this on my own. BARBARA: Hey. You’re part of a team now, right? STEPHANIE: A team? This is so sudden. But yes. [Laughter] BARBARA: So as a team we work together. And that means you don’t do any more stupid things alone. STEPHANIE: Ok, Batgirl. BARBARA: Call me Barbara– Call me Babs, that’s what my friends call me. STEPHANIE: Friends? BABS: Friends. STEPH: [Gasps] Yay! I have friends who are like literally super! Babs, Alfred, and Steph! We’re like a girl power group – plus Batboy. BABS: Uhhh Steph, I actually have a couple more friends I’d like you to meet. I’m going to send you a location tonight. Meet me there. STEPH: Ok but, how will you send it to me if you don’t have my number? I could send you my IM, it’s spoilerpurple19.
ALFRED: She is quite skilled with technology. She’ll find you. STEPH: Huh. I get two new friends in one day. Who are super vigilante friends. I’m gonna be a Gotham hero! Spoiler alert! This is gonna be the Best Summer Ever! [Excited Laughter] [Applause] BABS: Welcome to the batcave, Spoiler. I’m going to go talk to someone, I’ll be right back. STEPH: What? Wait, what if someone comes in? And she’s gone. Ok. Wow. So this is the batcave? So the Batman-Bruce Wayne dating rumor is true? Totally awesome! I bet the dial up is super fast here. JASON: So I said to him ‘if you didn’t want to die – you shouldn’t have been a tax- [Struggles saying the word] evasionist.’ Yeah, that’s the word. TIM: Yeah, I-I guess. JASON: No, No, No. That’s not the response I’m looking for. TIM: Oh, sorry man. Go again. JASON: I waste my time with you. DAMIAN: Todd, is the meeting going to commence any time soon? JASON: I have no idea, dude. DAMIAN: Drake?
TIM: You know, you can call me Tim. We’re peers, brothers even.
DAMIAN: I have seen your DNA. We are not brothers. So I will refer to you as Drake. TIM: Whatever.
JASON: Wait you did what? DAMIAN: Drake, you did not answer my initial question.
TIM: SHHHHHH- DAMIAN: Excuse me?
TIM: Be quiet. DAMIAN: What?
TIM: There’s someone in here. JASON/DAMIAN: WHAT?
TIM: SHUT UP. STEPH: Hi.
[SCREAMING and SHOUTING] STEPH: I come in peace! Please don’t kill me. BABS: Everybody, stand down. This is the new hero I’ve been training. Everyone meet Spoiler. JASON: Hey, Spoiler, wassup.
DAMIAN: Hello. STEPH: Hi! Oh! And hi again Batboy! Ohh! ALFRED: Pleasure to see you again Spoiler. JASON: Wait? Did you just say Batboy? DICK: Welcome to the Batcave, Spoiler. Hey Red Robin, would you like to welcome Spoiler? TIM: You all just welcomed her, does another welcome really matter? I’m gonna do something actually important over here. DICK: Sounds good bud. BABS: Is he still mad about having to give up Robin to Damian? DICK: Sounds like it. Alright, let’s start the meeting. BABS: Uhh. Red Robin, would you like to go first?
TIM: Yeah. I can go. While I was out vigilanticizing in –
STEPH: Ohh! I do know you! EVERYONE: What? TIM: Wait. TIM/STEPH: What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Can we not do this again? OH MY GOD! BARBARA: Do this again? DICK: Uh. Do you two know each other? TIM/STEPH: You could say that. STOP THAT. BABS: Spoiler, can I sidebar with you for a second? DICK: Same with you, Red Robin. TIM/STEPH: Sure. UGH! BABS: How do you know Red Robin? STEPH: Remember when I told you I was following my dad. And it brought me to this weird island– BABS: And there was an explosion. How did I not put this together before? STEPH: Wait, put what together? DICK: How do you know Spoiler? I thought we told each other about new heroes on the streets of Gotham. TIM: Well technically it wasn’t in Gotham. DICK: What do you mean? TIM: I met her back on Nanda Parbat while we were rescuing Damian. DICK: Why didn’t you tell me? TIM: I was a little preoccupied with Bruce dying. And then we started training Damian and you, you told me to go out and be my own hero. DICK: And you chose the name Red Robin, very creative. TIM: With all that going on, it sorta slipped through the cracks. STEPH: So you’re telling me that, Batman, the Batman is dead? And that explosion I saw, killed him? And Batman is Bruce Wayne? BABS: Yes. STEPH: Cut. It. Out. Sorry, is that a bad time for a Full House reference? DICK: Well, what was she doing on the island? TIM: I don’t know man. Something about her father, a criminal, who she thought escaped. And she followed there. DICK: It would have been nice to know this earlier, but, uh, thanks for telling me now, I guess. TIM: You got it, dude! Sorry. Is now a bad time for a Full House reference? [Audience Laughter] DICK: Let’s get back to the meeting, Tim. JASON: Hey! How’s it going with her? TIM: Oh! Nothing’s going? What? I just met her. I barely know her. JASON: I was asking Dick. TIM: Oh. Yeah? DICK: What do you mean? JASON: What do you mean “what do I mean?” You and Babs clearly have like the worst convoluted backstory… AND chemistry. STEPH: So before I head back. Umm… Is that, the guy? Wink wink nudge nudge. BABS: Yes. STEPH: Oh my god! You’re both heroes! That’s so cute. Sorry. But, you were right about him having a slammin’ ass. [Audience Laughter] DICK: Yeah, I don’t know. I mean she’s really awesome and really pretty, and she can kick my ass. JASON: So, what’s the problem? That’s the best redeeming quality in any significant other. DICK: I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to get more serious about life, you know what I mean? JASON: I don’t share that sympathy, but sure. Ok. STEPH: I mean, he’s literally Nightwing. You’re Batgirl! Who wouldn’t want you? BABS: It’s not that it’s just – it’s complicated. STEPH: You should go for it girl. BABS: We’re just always on and off and I don’t want to keep doing that anymore. I’m ready for more. But I just don’t know if he is. DICK: I just don’t want to be on again off again with anybody. Not Kori- DAMIAN: Kori? TIM: Don’t ask, trust me.
DICK: – Not Babs, not anyone. JASON: Well you should at least talk to her. ALFRED: Master Richard, Jason is right.
BABS: Let’s head back Steph.
DICK: I just – BABS: Everybody!
DICK: We didn’t talk about this, got it? BABS: Didn’t talk about what?
DICK: Huh? Nothing.
JASON: Nothing! Nightwing, uhh. Update us! DICK: Oh? Oh! Yes! Uh, Robin will officially be doing uhh patrols with me. DAMIAN: Finally. STEPH: Newbies! TIM: He passed your test? DICK: It took a couple of tries, but he can now interact with people in a less mean way. JASON: That’s a big accomplishment, kiddo. DAMIAN: Do not patronize me.
BABS: Ha! Ha! Alfred, anything to report? ALFRED: Not currently. DICK: Ok, so who’s next? TIM: Well I mean, I didn’t get to finish last time-
STEPH: Uh, sorry to interrupt again, old Robin. TIM: Oh, actually, it’s uh, Red Robin.
STEPH: Yumm.
BABS: Ok! Ok. Spoiler, you were saying something.
STEPH: Right! Um. A horrendous criminal has escaped Arkham. JASON: Oh god I hate it when that happens! DICK: Alfred, put us in alert mode and get the facecams, headsets, etc. You know the drill. ALFRED: Of course, Master Bruce. Richard. My apologies. JASON: Jinkies, now that is what I call really depressing. DICK: Uhh Spoiler, what criminal was it? TIM: I bet it’s Penguin. JASON: [Doing a Bane impression] Could be Bane.
DICK: Wait a minute now! Don’t leave Mr. Freeze out in the cold. JASON: Ha. Ha, ha, good one wings.
DICK: Thanks I was –
STEPH: It’s ClueMaster. [DICK/JASON/TIM burst out laughing] STEPH: Why are you laughing? This is serious. JASON: I missed that blonde idiot. STEPH: Hey! TIM: I mean, he was caught so fast. STEPH: Yeah! Because his plans were spoiled, by me! BABS: Guys! Cut it out. It took great courage for Spoiler to show up here and tell us this. And I mean… We all like Cluemaster better than Riddler, right? JASON: You’re the only one that hates Riddler that much. BABS: He’s edgy, and annoying, and he tries way too hard, and somehow, all of his riddles are still third-grade level. STEPH: Him escaping isn’t the main concern.
TIM: It seems like the main concern. JASON: The main concern turned out to be that when Spoiler followed
[Steph moves wildly throughout the room] her father to the island, she never directly saw him.
[Steph moves wildly throughout the room] You heard all the rest in the last scene, so we’re just going to fast forward through this bit.
[Steph moves wildly throughout the room] DAMIAN: Did you see Cluemaster straight on? STEPH: No, just his reflection. DAMIAN: Reflection. Oh! I should have known. STEPH: What?
DICK: I second that what. DAMIAN: One of my mother’s many nemeses was a meta-human and they refer to themselves as Reflection. They showed up to Nanda Parbat every couple of years just to try and kill my mother and grandfather. STEPH: Why? DAMIAN: They own something called the Lazarus Pit. They use it to not age and live forever. It is the same well that brought Red Hood back to life. JASON: Oh, yeah! Sure did. BABS: So, what are Reflection’s meta-human abilities? DAMIAN: Reflection can sense when somebody has escaped death. Which in my mother’s and grandfather’s case, that was done quite often. So Reflection uses a mirror to show you how you escaped death and then uses that same mirror to kill you. STEPH: So it sounds like, Reflection just targets bad guys. DAMIAN: Reflection sees anyone who escapes death as a ‘bad guy’ and won’t hesitate to kill anyone who fits into that category. JASON: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Wait. As somebody who has died, what does this mean? DAMIAN: It means that if Reflection is in Gotham, there is a very real chance that they will go after the group of people who has escaped death the most often. STEPH: And who would that be? DAMIAN: Heroes. JASON: Dammit!
STEPH: Ohh… BABS: So why is Spoiler still living? DAMIAN: It seems that Spoiler did not interact with Reflection directly. Reflection can play tricks using their mirror. So for now, do not interact with any reflective surfaces. JASON: Any reflective surface? DAMIAN: That’s what I just said. Any reflective surfaces. Has anyone beside Spoiler seen anything suspicious on a Reflective surface? DICK: Tim, are you listening? TIM: Yeah, yeah. Something about a uhh villain named Reflection. It seems pretty straightforward. BABS: So what do we do? We get threatened with death all the time. I mean I’ve had a gun pointed at my face over a hundred times. DICK: I mean yeah you have. It’s hard to escape this gun-show! [JASON and TIM cheer] [TIM and DICK cheer]
JASON: No… [Repeatedly] STEPH: So, Umm. [Coughs] Reflection is like in the city? BABS: And if what Robin says is true–
DAMIAN: It is. BABS: Reflection could come after any one of us. JASON: Ok. So what do we do? DICK: Well we train and we protect ourselves. And keep a low profile. ALFRED: That might be difficult. Nightwing, in a week you have the Wayne Enterprise gala at the manor- you told the public about it a month ago. It’s not an ideal time but we need to keep the public’s attention off a certain disappearance. BABS: Well, what if we use the gala as bait? If vigilantes are supposed to be there, Reflection’s bound to show up. JASON: Yeah then when Reflection gets there we can put them down. [Stomps] DICK: Ok? So this is the plan. Some of us will act as regular civilians and only one of us will dress as- in their hero getup. DAMIAN: Which vigilante will we use as a bait? Which one of us has escaped death the most often? JASON: Well I literally died. TIM: Yeah… But you also famously killed a lot of criminals. And uhh… We don’t want to attract every criminal. JASON: Fair point. STEPH: How about Batgirl? Everybody loves Batgirl. Except criminals. DICK: Uhh… Batgirl? BABS: I’ll do it. DICK: Are you sure? BABS: We’ve faced worse than some dumb mirror. DICK: Ok. Then this is the plan. ALFRED: And I will send each of your individual parts of the plans to you. JASON: Oh, woah. You guys just said the word plan, a lot. DICK: Alright, everybody hands in on three. One – two – three! [Everyone just says random things- Many say ‘Tim sucks!’] TIM: What the hell? DICK: I should have planned that out better. Alright, meeting adjourned. DICK: Hey Babs. Are you sure you’re ok with being bait? BABS: It’s not the first time I’ve been bait, Richard. DICK: Richard? Am I, uhh, in trouble? BABS: No, I’m just teasing you. Although that gun-show comment today? What was that? DICK: I was trying something new, it didn’t work. BABS: No, it did not. DICK: Seriously, what’s up? BABS: To be honest, Dick, I’m scared. DICK: Why? BABS: I guess the situation scares me so much because we’ve faced death so many times. When I was younger, my dad is a cop, so I get threats every day because of it. And then I got older and I willingly put myself in harm’s way as Batgirl to save people. I don’t know what event or memory Reflection might try to use to kill me. DICK: Well not knowing has always caused you anxiety, even when we were kids. BABS: We’re heroes, we don’t know half the situations we’re in until we’re in them. And yet the anxiety persists. DICK: To be fair, we don’t even have time to have anxiety. We just act. Though, now it feels like I’m thinking all the time. BABS: You? Thinking? Now that’s surprising. DICK: Hey, just because I’m not some librarian slash tech-genius doesn’t mean I’m not smart, Barbara. BABS: Ohh. My full name, now I’m in trouble. Do you remember when we were kids and we used to run around the manor and break so much stuff playing Hide and Go Seek? DICK: [Laughs] Yeah. Alfred would yell “Richard Grayson and Barbara Gordon-” DICK/BABS: “Clean this mess up right now.” BABS: You were twelve, I was ten. Now we are both in our twenties. DICK: Time flies. BABS: My dad really misses Bruce. He considered him one of his best friends. DICK: Bruce considered the commissioner one of his best friends too. BABS: I consider you one of my best friends, Dick. DICK: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you? [Chuckles] Oh. I really miss Bruce. It’s like ever since he left, Alfred and I have become co-dads to Damian and Tim. Jason’s like their uncle. It’s made me think a lot about the future. BABS: I’ve been thinking a lot about the future too. DICK: Hey! Do you wanna go grab food – as best friends? BABS: Sure, I’m starving.
DICK: Alright. What are you in the mood for? BABS: I could go for some wings. DICK: Could you now? [Audience Laughter] TIM: The coffee here sure is great. Isn’t it… Stephanie? STEPH: Best coffee in Gotham. TIM: Hands down. STEPH: I’m sorry, do I know you? TIM: Oh. I mean it’s funny meeting you here at Big Joe’s coffee shop. Though I’m a little surprised you’re here at 8 pm. STEPH: It’s open mic night. TIM: Oh, oh yeah I noticed. Yeah, oh man, I-I would never. It just seems so cheesy. STEPH: Look, I don’t really know you so like if I could have this table-
TIM: Oh! Oh no no no no don’t worry I’m just here to warn you about the muffins. I hear they’re… [eyebrow raise] SPOILED. STEPH: Aww that blows. WAITER: ‘Scuze me sir, I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t lie to our customers. The fact that you would even insinuate that our muffins are spoiled?! You should feel shame young man. Do you feel shame?
TIM: Yes sir everyday. WAITER: You better go on and get out of here or I swear to Batgirl you’ll get it. TIM: No, no, it’s just that– [whispers] Spoiler.
STEPH: Oh! Uhh uhh, I’ll handle him Jebediah. You can go. WAITER: Batman’s blessings to you Steph. TIM: Whoa that guy has a grip-
STEPH: Who are you and how do you know who I am? TIM: Whoa it’s cool, it’s chill, it’s Red Robin. STEPH: Oh. How did you know it was me? TIM: Oh, back after the meeting you took off your hood in front of Batgirl and I, I sorta passed by and saw. STEPH: Oh, huh. Well–How did you know my name then, huh? TIM: Your coffee cup. STEPH: Oh. TIM: Look, uh, let’s start over. My name is Timothy Drake, but uh my friends call me Tim. STEPH: Nice to meet you, Tim. I’m Stephanie Brown, but uh my friends call me Steph. TIM: Hi Steph. STEPH: Oh, Stephanie’s fine.
TIM: Oh uhh.. STEPH: I’m kidding!
TIM: Cool. STEPH: So uhh Tim, what are you, what are you doing here? Like, meeting your girlfriend or something? TIM: Oh, no, no no no. I’m actually not dating anyone right now so. STEPH: Cool beans.
TIM: Yeah. TIM: What about you, are you meeting uh, a boyfriend or something? STEPH: Well actually, me and Jebediah…
TIM: Oh! Good for him, yeah, look at you–!
STEPH: Calm down dork, I’m– I’m single. Jebediah is just a friend. TIM: Oh. Cool. STEPH: Yeah. TIM: [Pager Beep] I’m, I’m sorry, it’s my aunt, it could be an emergency I gotta go check it out, uh BUT! [Terminator impression] I’ll be back. BABS: No no no no no! That is not how that happened! DICK: Oh, that is most definitely how it happened. BABS: I don’t know why I bother telling you anything anymore. DICK: Because, I’m your best friend. BABS: Oh, don’t exclude Dinah! DICK: She’s not as cool as me. BABS: You think you’re cool now?
DICK: Oh. I know I’m cool. Don’t be jealous. BABS: As if. DICK: Alright, I’m gonna go up front and pay for these wangz. BABS: Oh! I can pay, Dick. Or just tell me the amount I owe you and I’ll pay you back.
DICK: Babs, you will have a lifetime to pay me back.
[MUSIC: Oh Wow] [MUSIC: Oh Wow] [Singing]
BABS: What is going on? STEPH: I don’t really know. BABS: My heart’s beating fast STEPH: The world looks slow BABS:What’s the safest path? STEPH: What’s the fastest route? BABS: We were having fun STEPH: We were hanging out BABS/STEPH: So what the fuck is this heart pounding about? BABS: Oh no
STEPH: Oh fuck BABS: Oh shit
BABS/STEPH: Oh wow STEPH: Oh no
BABS: Oh fuck STEPH: Oh shit
BABS/STEPH: Oh wow What is going on now? BABS: Am I in love?
STEPH: Is this a crush starting to form? BABS: What do I do?
STEPH: Why does my cheek feel so warm? BABS/STEPH: Do they feel the same? Are these emotions reciprocated? And would they mind… if we dated? [Dialogue] DICK: So, we are all set. BABS: What’s in the box? DICK: Oh, I may have gotten us some dessert. BABS: [Gasps] You didn’t.
DICK: Oh, I did. It’s… cheesecake! BABS: That is so unfair! You know it’s my favorite and I will give in.
DICK: Woah, woah, woah, WAH, WAH, Woah! BABS: Why?! You offered me cheesecake and then you take it away from me? Why do you torture me so? DICK: You only get the cheesecake, if you say I am the coolest person you know. BABS: Ugh. Fine. You are the- DICK: Barbara Gordon! Stealing? I am shocked. BABS: I will fight you for this cheesecake. DICK: No, because you will win. BABS: I know, I have kicked your ass on multiple occasions. DICK: That’s true and I thank you for it. BABS: Any time. Now give me the cheesecake. DICK: To get the cheesecake all you have to do is say I’m the coolest person you know. BABS: You are the… biggest fool I know! [Music Chime] [Dialogue] TIM: So sorry about that. STEPH: Everything alright? TIM: Oh yeah, it was just my aunt, she was asking for our local pizza place’s number. So I told her it was on the fridge and she hung up. STEPH: Do you get a lot of emergency pizza calls? TIM: They have become more and more common in the past two years. Uh- My dad died two years ago, and they were siblings and best friends, so she misses him. I’m sorry, that’s such a sad thing to bring up.
STEPH: Oh no–no no no, it’s ok. I get it. TIM: Thank you. STEPH: It must be so hard for you right now. Losing your father so recently, and then losing your father figure. TIM: Well, Bruce actually adopted me. So: adopted father. STEPH: Batdad. TIM: I like that, Batdad. STEPH: I like creating fun name for things. TIM: You’re cute- THAT’S cute. STEPH: Yeah? TIM: Yeah. STEPH: Well if you ever want to talk about, ya know. Or you just want to talk, ummmm page me. And here is my number. TIM: I never thought losing a father would get me a cute girl’s digits. I should have tried it sooner. STEPH: Well I’m glad you didn’t. Because she wouldn’t have been as cute and charming as me. I’m gonna go get a coffee refill, and tell Jebediah it’s all good. Here, let me get yours. [Awkward shuffle of cup with awkward noises] TIM: Thank you! [Music Chime] [Singing]
TIM: What is going on? DICK: I don’t really know. TIM: Is this the time? DICK: Have these feelings grown? TIM: We were hanging out DICK: Is she having fun? TIM: What’s there to worry about? DICK: What have I done? DICK/TIM: So why the hell does she make my heart run? TIM: Oh no
DICK: Oh fuck TIM: Oh shit
DICK/TIM: Oh wow DICK: Oh no
TIM: Oh fuck DICK: Oh shit
DICK/TIM: Oh wow What is going on now DICK: Am I in love?
TIM: Is this a crush starting to form? DICK: What do I do?
TIM: Why does my cheek feel so warm? DICK: Do they feel the same? TIM: Are these emotions reciprocated? DICK/TIM: And would they mind… if we dated? BABS/TIM: Why’d they have be so approachable? STEPH/DICK: Why’d they have been so damn pretty? BABS/TIM: Couldn’t this be more negotiable? STEPH/DICK: Couldn’t they have been a little less funny? BABS/STEPH: Or loyal, or giving DICK/TIM: Or strong, or thoughtful STEPH/TIM: And cute, and interesting BABS/DICK: And sweet, and compassionate BABS/STEPH/DICK/TIM: And great and wonderful
So wonderful
They’re wonderful DICK/STEPH: Oh no
BABS/TIM: Oh fuck DICK/STEPH: Oh shit
BABS/STEPH/DICK/TIM: Oh wow DICK/BABS: Oh no TIM/STEPH: Oh fuck BARBARA/TIM: Oh shit
BABS/STEPH/DICK/TIM: Oh wow BABS/STEPH/DICK/TIM: What do I do now? BABS/DICK: Am I in love?
STEPH/TIM: Is this a crush starting to form? BABS/DICK: What do I do To prepare for this storm? STEPH/TIM: Oh no
DICK/BABS: Oh fuck STEPH/TIM: Oh shit
BABS/STEPH/DICK/TIM: Oh wow BABS/STEPH/DICK/TIM: I see why now I see why now! I see why now… I see why now!!! Oh Wow [Music Ends] [MUSIC: News] G. GORDON GODFREY: Welcome back to GBS, this is G. Gordon Godfrey. I am here live outside the Martian-funded home of Bruce Wayne. There’s been plenty of buzz about this so-called ‘gala’ tonight, and yet we have no confirmation of Mr. Wayne’s attendance. But you know who is confirmed to be there? One of Batman’s least favorite sidekicks, Batgirl. Because… why not. I am not allowed on the premises, due to a very specific lie told about myself to the grounds staff. But not to worry, there will be plenty of coverage with Vikki Vale slated to be in attendance. The only reporter who tells the truth! And now a word from our sponsors. [Music Ends] REFLECTION: Batgirl’s gonna be at Wayne Manor tonight. Perfect. Death is inescapable Batgirl, you won’t even see it coming. [Evil cackle] BABS: Alright, Reflection has been baited. Apparently I’m a sidekick now. JASON: And the least favorite. BABS: [Fake laugh] Okay, alright, moving on. JASON: You’re right, so, since I am legally dead I will be your bodyguard in the shadows. DAMIAN: I will be also in the shadows. I will let everyone know when Reflection is on the premises. So remember do not look at any mirrors when they’re around you. STEPH: And uh, Tim and I will be posing as a young couple, but really we’re gonna be ready and alert to do what needs to be done. TIM: Yes, only posing as a couple. Her and I? She and me? A couple? Ha! No way. [Audience Laughter] Anyway, uh if Reflection tries to go after Batgirl in public then we’ll defend the citizens, if she tries in public we’ll follow inconspicuously. DICK: Hey everyone. [Dick/Babs theme plays]
DICK: Hey Batgirl. πŸ˜‰ [Dick/Babs theme plays]
BABS: Oh! Hey, Nightwing. πŸ˜‰ DAMIAN: Hey! Stop! [Music stops] DICK: Everyone, tonight I am Richard Grayson, adopted son of Bruce Wayne. DAMIAN: You’re not his actual son.
JASON: Hey, calm down, demon toddler. [Audience Laughter] ALFRED: Hello everyone. Before this event goes on tonight, I need to talk to Master Richard, Master Jason, and Master Timothy. JASON: What’s up Alf? ALFRED: I need to tell you something. I am ashamed I have kept it hidden for so long. TIM: What–what are these? ALFRED: Letters from Bruce. He wrote them a while back as his last words to his sons. What he did not get a chance to say. DICK: Why did you wait until now? ALFRED: To tell you the truth, I thought he would pull a miracle stunt and make it out alive. But seeing this plan occur and this gala, and, honestly, Richard dressed like Bruce… It made me really realize that he’s truly gone. I am sorry that I did not give it to you sooner. DICK: Hey Babs. Could you, uh, help me get ready for the gala? BABS: Sure. ALFRED: I’m going to go check on the caterers. TIM: Hey Steph, uh, do you wanna go for a walk? STEPH: Of course. [Chuckles] [Envelope being teared open sound – RIP, CRINKLE, CRACKLE] [The silence of anticipation] JASON: Figures. DAMIAN: I didn’t get a letter. JASON: You don’t want one, trust me. DAMIAN: Why didn’t I get a letter? I am his actual son. JASON: Well it’s not like he knew you very well Damian. He went to get you and then he fucking exploded. DAMIAN: What’s in your letter? JASON: It doesn’t matter. Nothing that I do matters apparently! But I bet I can tell you what Dick’s says. Probably says “You were the perfect son, I love you” and Tim’s probably says “You were the perfect Robin.” DAMIAN: Where does that leave us? [MUSIC: Fucked Up Sons Club] [MUSIC: Fucked Up Sons Club]
JASON: [DIALOGUE] Good question, Damian. Welcome to the black sheep part of the family. JASON: [SINGING] I tried hard to be better for you Redeem myself
But what did that ever do? What did that do for you? So I tried hard to be better for me But that’s not working out that well you see. Did you ever see me? I wish you could see the mess you’ve created. I wish you could see what you left behind. I wish that you realized all through the twists and turns That I was there by your side. So here’s to fucked up son you made. I should have realized you were full of shit. Welcome to the fucked up son club now Bruce made his bed Now he has to lie in it. DAMIAN: Augh! DAMIAN: Mother wanted to raise me bad But I have a sense of justice like my dad. Father Papa Dad! I know I seem harsh and hard to bear But that does not mean that I do not care. Did you know I would care? I wish you could see I want to be like you. I wish you realized that I could be good. There’s so many things you’ll never train me to do That I could be just like you… So here’s to the fucked up son you never got to raise We’re well aware you were full of shit. So I’m joining the fucked up son club now Bruce made his bed URGH! Now he has to lie in it. JASON: You told me not to kill. You said that that was right. DAMIAN: Was that right? JASON: So I listened to you Because you taught me how to fight. DAMIAN: I’ve been blessed with skill. I’ve been blessed with might. JASON: Blessed with might! DAMIAN: Not that it matters to you Since you’ve gone and seen the light. JASON: [Dialogue] At the end of the tunnel… DAMIAN: In brightest day! JASON: In blackest night! DAMIAN: You spare everyone! JASON: You spare every life! JASON/DAMIAN: But that’s where you’re wrong Some people deserve to die JASON: Let’s go. DAMIAN: So here’s to the fucked up sons you left behind.
JASON: (Underneath) Father, Papa, Dad! DAMIAN: We are well aware life hands you shit.
JASON: Oh, hands you shit! JASON/DAMIAN: So here’s to the fucked up sons club now! Bruce made his bed… Bruce made his bed! Now Bruce is dead. Now he has to lie in it. [MUSIC Ends] JASON: Let’s get ready, Damian. [Applause] [Paper opening sounds- CRINKLE] DAMIAN: “Jason, you were my biggest regret.” Gordon did say that Todd has the reading comprehension of an 8-year-old. I’m so sorry father. [DAMIANRunning sounds] TIM: I don’t think I wanna open this letter. STEPH: Ok, um. Whenever you feel ready. Don’t feel rushed-
TIM: No, no, like I mean I never want to open it. STEPH: Never is a strong word, Tim.
TIM: No. You don’t understand. He is alive. STEPH: What? TIM: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everybody. STEPH: Tim, I don’t know-
TIM: Look look look, there was no body found. STEPH: It was an explosion, Tim.
TIM: Well I think he faked it! There’s a way, okay. I just know it–I, I saw him! Or at least I thought I did. STEPH: Ok uh, this is a lot. Let’s just take a breath for a moment. TIM: Ok. [Takes a deep breath] STEPH: I love Gotham fog. It’s so uniquely Gotham. TIM: Yeah. I wish we could see the stars though. STEPH: Well, my mom used to say, when I was younger, that the city lights are kind of like stars. And, well, if you look closely, you can see a constellation. TIM: Huh. I like that philosophy. Yeah, yeah, she couldn’t see what she wanted, so… she figured out a new perspective that got her the answers she needed. STEPH: I–I’m not sure if that’s exactly what she meant– TIM: I have to go back to the manor [exits].
STEPH: Oh wait I– And he’s gone, alrighty then. BABS: How’re you holding up?
DICK: I’m fine. BABS: Don’t lie, Dick. DICK: After tonight, I’m going out as Batman. The city needs it. BABS: Ok… DICK: These letters from Bruce made me realize how much we need Batman. The people need it, our family needs it. BABS: You don’t have to–
DICK: No, but I do. BABS: Did the letter tell you to be Batman? Because – DICK: No. I haven’t opened it. BABS: Dick… DICK: I really don’t want to talk about it. I just gave up with my tie. BABS: You had it. DICK: I was so close. Just every time it gets harder. [BABS laughs] Do I look good? BABS: Yeah. Ready to kick some ass? DICK: Yeah. Hey, Babs? BABS: Yeah? DICK: Be safe. BABS: What could possibly go wrong? [Audience Laugh] STEPH: [In a French accent] Excuse mua. Pardon me monsieur. Ah! Richard Grayson, may I, how you say, talk you for a moment. DICK: Uh, of course. I’ll be right back. Stephanie, where is Tim? And why are you talking in that weird French accent? STEPH: Well, this is a fancy event, fanciest I’ve ever been to. Being French seems to make me fit in better. DICK: That doesn’t seem like it’s true.
STEPH: Well also if anyone tries to talk to me I can pretend I don’t speak English. DICK: What if they speak French? STEPH: I didn’t think of that possibility. DICK: Where is Tim? STEPH: That’s what I was here to talk to you about.
DICK: What? STEPH: I don’t know where he is. He ran back to the cave and said he would meet me here, but I haven’t seen him – is that Bill Clinton? DICK: Probably. Did he say anything about what he might be doing? STEPH: Dick, he thinks that Batman is alive. DICK: What? STEPH: I don’t- DICK: Does he have evidence that Bruce is alive?
STEPH: I think that’s what he’s doing right now: find evidence. DICK: Ok, Tim was supposed to have it, but it’s yours now. Go get one of these earpieces, Alfred will have it for you, okay?
STEPH: Ok. But Dick, I have this feeling that-
DICK: Listen Stephanie I need to go, Batgirl arrives in a few minutes. Get that earpiece.
STEPH: Okay, I’ll go find Alfred. [STEPH running sounds] DICK: Everyone, if you see or hear from Tim, tell him to come find me as soon as possible. Announcing Batgirl in 5. JASON: Alright, so I’m gonna watch you from here untill you go in and then Damian and I will watch you from the rafters. BABS: Jason can I ask you something? JASON: Sure Babs-thang. BABS: Dick is good, right? JASON: Good? Um. He’s an annoyingly good person. Listen Babsmobile. I love him as a brother. But as a friend you could do better. BABS: Thanks, Jay. JASON: Oh, Alfred wanted to make sure you got this, uh, updated grappler [Sarcastic Wohoo]. BABS: That is Alfred for you. He’s going to have a field day modifying the Batman costume for Dick. JASON: He’s doing what? BABS: Dick didn’t tell you? That’s weird. JASON: He’s becoming Batman? Of course he is. BABS: Jason. Come on, it makes sense that he’d be the one to take up the mantle.
JASON: Let’s just drop this for now. BABS: Jason.
JASON: Drop it! BABS: Jason. JASON: Enough about me. You’re the star tonight. But if anything goes wrong, which it probably will because it’s us – BABS: Jason- JASON: Damian said that if you look into Reflection’s mirror you die in the way you were supposed to. BABS: I don’t know what way I was supposed to die. JASON: Alright, well then let me put this lightly- dying isn’t fun. BABS: I can imagine.
JASON: No you can’t. That’s my point. Babs you’re my closest friend, I really don’t want you joining the “I’ve Died Before” club. BABS: Tonight we will be fine. We’ll win, like always. We have a plan and we are ready. We’re on. Put on that Red Hood. JASON: And you get out there and Save the Day, like always. DICK: And here is the woman of the hour, everyone welcome Batgirl! BABS: Hello everyone, I’m just here to make sure that the night runs smoothly! Enjoy the night folks. DICK: Bruce Wayne’s flight has been delayed, but he told me to tell everyone to enjoy the gala. STEPH: Uhh. Bonjour, Batgirl. BABS: French? STEPH: Let me have this, please. I thought tonight was gonna be fun. My first mission with the Batfam – BABS: Batfam? STEPH: That’s the fun name I created for the group… BABS: I like it. So, why is tonight not fun? STEPH: Oh. Well Tim, my pretend date, is missing and I was kinda hoping tonight’s pretend date would turn into something not pretend. But Tim is not here and that opportunity is gone. BABS: You like Tim? That’s so cute. STEPH: Please stop.
BABS: Sorry. STEPH: Okay also, I’m alone and I don’t know how to work this earpiece– BABS: Oh, it’s easy, you just- She’s here. DICK: Everyone be on watch. Reflection is posing as a reporter. REFLECTION: Batgirl. You look… great. Would you mind if I could get a quote from you? BABS: About what? REFLECTION: About tonight, Snow White. BABS: Tonight seems to be pretty smooth sailing so far. REFLECTION: So you aren’t on the lookout for anyone…? BABS: You know I can’t tell you that. REFLECTION: Don’t mind me, I just need a touch up. I think I need a bigger mirror. I’m heading to the bathroom. DICK: No one pursue, let her come to Batgirl. STEPH: They’re getting away. Tim! There you are. Reflection is in pursuit-
TIM: I can’t believe it. STEPH: Tim, we have to go now.
TIM: I know how to get proof. STEPH: Tim, now is not the time.
TIM: I have to go tell Dick. STEPH: Tim, no! This is so not awesome. Guess it’s up to me. JASON: Hey, any of you losers seen Spoiler? DAMIAN: I don’t have a view on Spoiler. Spoiler, answer us. BABS: She can’t hear us. She doesn’t know how to work the earpiece. DICK: Where-where uh- Tim? TIM: Dick, I have to tell you something! JASON: Dick, do you have eyes on Spoiler? DICK: Tim can this wait –
DAMIAN: No view of Spoiler in the West Wing. DICK: Fuck. TIM: I know how to get proof-
JASON: Does anyone have sights on Spoiler? DICK: Tim-
BABS: Dick- TIM: Dick-
DICK: I-I- Later, Tim! TIM: Later? There is no later. I’m gonna go find proof myself. DICK: Nonononono-wait Tim — Tim! I don’t see her. BABS: Ok, could you get Tim to-
DICK: Tim won’t be of any help. BABS: Alright. Does anyone have sights on Reflection? JASON: Looks like Reflection is cornered by Bill Clinton and his saxophone. BABS: That should provide us with enough time. Keep me updated. Over and out. JASON: Over and out. DAMIAN: Over and out. DICK: Over and out. VIKKI: Is that Dick Grayson-Wayne I see? DICK: Ah, hello Vikki. VIKKI: Can’t say I’m surprised your father isn’t here. DICK: Flight delays happen to the best of us. VIKKI: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Some -not me of course- But some are theorizing that Bruce is missing. Or maybe dead. DICK: That’s absurd, Vikki. VIKKI: Is it? He did leave a lot of his shares to you in his will. DICK: Did he? Well, he’s not dead so- VIKKI: It would make sense to throw a nice gala to warm up other shareholders. DICK: That is not what is going on. Bruce is alive. JASON: Hey, Reflection’s still cornered by Bill. BABS: Still no sight of Steph. VIKKI: You’re gonna have to tell the people the truth soon, Dick. DICK: Um, Vikki there are no foundations to your claim, now if you’ll excuse me– VIKKI: You knew he left his shares to you? DICK: Sort of-
JASON: He left his shares to you? DICK: It’s not that big of a deal. VIKKI: Oh, it’s a huge deal. It’s motive. DICK: It’s what?
JASON: It’s fucked up. VIKKI: Hmm. Have a nice gala, Richard. JASON: Hold up-
BABS: Jason. JASON: Your just becoming Bruce now? The main shareholder of Wayne enterprises during the day and Batman at night. DAMIAN: Grayson is going to be Batman? DICK: How did you-
JASON: He sure is. Bruce’s golden child is going to get everything. BABS: I’m sorry, I thought you told them. DICK: Jason, listen-
JASON: What makes you think you’re the right fit to be Batman? DICK: This family needs me to step into Bruce’s shoes. To be the patriarch-
DAMIAN: [Overlapping] Reflection has moved to the East Wing bathroom. JASON: The patriarch? Are you fucking kidding me? DICK: I didn’t know this would upset you this much.– JASON: Of course you wouldn’t.
DICK: What does that mean? BABS: Guys, cut it out. Stephanie’s moving towards the East Wing bathroom.
DAMIAN: They’re in that bathroom! JASON: Oh shit. Babs, stay where you are. Robin and I will follow. [JASON and DAMIAN running sounds] STEPH: Reflection. You’ve trapped yourself. REFLECTION: Have I? Or have I trapped you in a room full of mirrors? STEPH: The Batfam will be here soon. REFLECTION: Haha! You might wanna reflect on that name. JASON: Fuck you. It’s an awesome name. REFLECTION: You’re supposed to be dead. JASON: But here I am Biatch. REFLECTION: And you’re Talia Al Ghul’s son.
DAMIAN: No, I am Batman’s son. JASON: And so am I.
DAMIAN: Not biologically he isn’t. JASON: Not the time Robin.
REFLECTION: You think I can’t take all of you? You will not distract me. I will rid of you then I will find Batgirl. STEPH: Like hell, you will.
REFLECTION: Ha! Funny you bring up the afterlife. [Yelling and fighting noises] STEPH: Are we dying? JASON: Oh my goodness gracious I’ve been bamboozled. STEPH: This sucks! [Pained grunts] DAMIAN: Reflection did not show their mirror on us long, we just have to fight through the pain and memories. We’ll make it out alive. STEPH: Is anyone’s earpiece working?
DAMIAN/JASON: No. STEPH: Fuck! We need to fight this. JASON: [groaning] Oh no no no…
DAMIAN: Red Hood is weakening faster than us. STEPH: What?! Why?!
JASON: No… no I’m fine… DAMIAN: Probably because he died before he’s weakening faster!
JASON: No, I just need to rest my eyes. Oh, there’s a light. There’s a light… STEPH/DAMIAN: No! No! No!
STEPH: Nobody can die on my first mission! DAMIAN: Or mine! DICK: Anyone come in! Batgirl just went after Reflection. What the fuck is going on in here? STEPH: Well, we’re all dying. Batgirl–um–Reflection’s going after Batgirl. They’re hell-bent on killing her. DICK: I can’t leave you guys when my brother’s- STEPH: Robin and I will take care of Red Hood. You just go get her. DAMIAN: We won’t let–we won’t let him die.
STEPH: Go get Batgirl! [MUSIC: Act 1 Finale]
[Pained groans from DAMIAN and STEPH] [Singing]
TIM: I’m Red Robin, I have a lot to share Couldn’t they even pretend to care I will find my truth and I will show They should listen to me and what I know! STEPH: I am Stephanie Brown. TIM: I just need more proof. STEPH: I am Stephanie Brown! DICK: Where are you, Babs? STEPH: Guys get off the ground Spoiler’s coming around DICK: Where are the wings?
JASON: You told me not to kill. DICK: What was the cost?
JASON: You said that that was right! DICK: Reflection is coming-
JASON: So I listened to you – DICK: Have we lost?
JASON/DAMIAN: But that’s where you’re wrong DICK: Have we lost?
JASON/DAMIAN: Some people deserve to die. [DIALOGUE]
GOON: Nope! GOON: AAGH! BABS: Reflection. REFLECTION: I’ve been looking for you, Batgirl. Wanted some alone time. BABS: Who are you to play god and decide who lives and who dies? REFLECTION: They were supposed to die. Just like you’re supposed to die. BABS: I have backup. REFLECTION: Ha! Ya, your backup isn’t coming. BABS: What did you do? REFLECTION: I gave them some time to…Reflect. [SINGING]
REFLECTION: I’m your reflection! BABS: Gotta fight fight fight for my life REFLECTION: What do you see? In the reflection? BABS: Gotta learn learn adapt and survive REFLECTION: What’ll it be REFLECTION: In the reflection?
BABS: And I can’t ever give up BABS: ‘Cause playing the game is not enough!
REFLECTION: I am Reflection! [Fighting groans] [SINGING]
BATFAM: Fight fight BABS: [Dialogue] Ha. Mirrorless room. What are you gonna do now?
BATFAM: Fight for your life! BATFAM: Fight fight fight for your life. Fight fight fight for your life- Fight fight fight for your life- DICK: You don’t wanna mess with us
JASON: I’m there by your side
[Fighting noises] DICK/DAMIAN: Cause if you do, you’ll get the rest of us
BABS: Adapt and survive BATFAM: We fight for Gotham. We fight for each other- We fight for our lives!
[Fighting noises] TIM: There is lots to learn And lots to know. [Fighting noises] DAMIAN/JASON: We made our bed,
STEPH: Heroes in the sky! DAMIAN/JASON: We made our bed
BABS: Fight for your life! DAMIAN/STEPH: We made our bed
JASON: You need to fly! DAMIAN/JASON: But we aren’t dead.
[Fighting noises] [Fighting noises] STEPH: Everything will change– STEPH: Everything will change–
[Reflection screams in anger] REFLECTION: I guess I’m doing this the old-fashioned way. Goodbye, Batgirl. DICK: Fly! BABS: Fight for my life! [GUNSHOT]
DICK: Barbara! [MUSIC Stops] [Audience murmuring] [MUSIC: Three Bats in Gotham] CIVILIAN 1: What happened ooh what happened What happened at the gala last night? What happened ooh what happened I heard Bruce Wayne wasn’t in sight. CIVILIAN 1: What happened ooh what happened
CIVILIAN 2: [Overlapping] I wanna know. CIVILIAN 1: What happened at the gala last night
CIVILIAN 2: [Overlapping] I wanna know. CIVILIAN 1: What happened ooh what happened? CIVILIAN 2: I heard someone saw the dark knight. CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know. We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. CIVILIAN 1: What happened ooh what happened?
CIVILIAN 3: [Overlapping] We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. CIVILIAN 2: I wanna know.
CIVILIAN 3: [Overlapping] We wanna know. CIVILIAN 1: What happened at the gala last night?
CIVILIAN 3: [Overlapping] We wanna know, know, know. CIVILIAN 2: I wanna know. CIVILIAN 1: What happened ooh what happened?
CIVILIAN 3: [Overlapping] We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. CIVILIAN 1/2: Someone tell us what’s wrong and right.
CIVILIAN 3: [Overlapping] We wanna know, know, know. VIKKI VALE: It’s Vikki Vale with News from Gotham City I have a lot to say and it’s not very pretty I cover the news though it’s a daunting task I have the answers to the questions you ask! CIVILIAN 1: What did you hear at the gala last night? VIKKI VALE: We heard gunshots and we heard a fight. CIVILIAN 2: Was Mr. Wayne at all around? VIKKI VALE: Bruce Wayne was nowhere to be found. CIVILIAN 3: I heard on AOL news that Batman is back, is that true? VIKKI VALE: Don’t worry I’ll get back to you. CIVILIANS: Vikki is there anything else happening in town? VIKKI VALE: Well shockingly, Commissioner Gordon’s stepping down. [DIALOGUE]
CIVILIAN 1: Woah, what?! CIVILIAN 2: He’s a city staple! CIVILIAN 3: What happened? VIKKI VALE: Commissioner Gordon announced last night that he will be taking a leave of absence due to a tragic event in his family. CIVILIAN 2: Do you think this has something to do with the gala last night? CIVILIAN 1: [Makes I don’t know sound]. [SINGING]
CIVILIANS: What happened ooh what happened What happened at the gala last night? What happened ooh what happened Nothing in Gotham seems right. [DIALOGUE]
VIKKI VALE: We here at Gotham City News wish Commissioner Gordon the best. Commissioner Gordon’s temporary replacement will be Commissioner Beotch; we are here with Beotch now. BEOTCH: Hello city of Gotham. I am the temporary Commissioner of the Gotham PD. We understand that crime is at an all time high right now. And we are working to fix that. VIKKI VALE: Now commissioner, what will be the first case you will be working on as commissioner? BEOTCH: This morning we got paperwork announcing the official disappearance of Bruce Wayne of Wayne enterprises.
CIVILIANS [SINGING UNDERNEATH]: We wanna know. We have reason to believe that Bruce Wayne
CIVILIANS [SINGING UNDERNEATH]: We wanna know, know, know of Wayne enterprises was either kidnapped or murdered.
CIVILIANS [SINGING UNDERNEATH]: We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. Several of his work associates haven’t heard from him in months, which
CIVILIANS [SINGING]: We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know they claim is strange behavior from their CEO.
CIVILIANS [SINGING]: We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know And after last night’s gala where Mr.Wayne failed to make an appearance, we have decided to open up a case on Bruce Wayne.
CIVILIANS: We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. We wanna know. VIKKI VALE: Do you think he’s been kidnapped?
CIVILIANS: We wanna know, know, know. BEOTCH: Kidnapped or murdered. Hopefully neither, probably both.
CIVILIAN 1: What happened ooh what happened?
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. VIKKI VALE: Oh my my my! Do you have any suspects?
CIVILIAN 1: What happened at the gala last night?
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. BEOTCH: Yes, we have a couple
CIVILIAN 2: I wanna know. suspects we’re looking at right now.
CIVILIAN 1: What happened ooh
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know. We wanna know, know, know. This guy had a lot of enemies.
CIVILIAN 1: What happened
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know. VIKKI VALE: Bruce Wayne? Enemies? I’m shocked.
CIVILIAN 1/2: Someone tell us what’s wrong and right.
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know, know, know. BEOTCH: I’m just as shocked as you Vikki. VIKKI VALE: Well I’m sure I am more shocked than you are. Now commissioner, is there anything else you’d like to share? You seem to have a lot on your plate. BEOTCH: Yes, I do. And that plate has a full serving of justice on it. People of Gotham don’t you fret, Gotham PD’s got this covered. VIKKI VALE: Well, you heard it here first folks! Bruce Wayne is pronounced missing or maybe murdered. This is Vikki Vale for channel t- CIVILIAN 3: Wait, wait, wait, wait wait! [SINGING]
I saw him this morning it was crystal clear He was on a building above the pier
CIVILIAN 2: Hang on a minute! I swear to you all I saw him just now I saw the costume the cape the cowl
CIVILIAN 1: That can’t be right… By the warehouses all in black I saw him there, Batman is back! COMPANY: We have one, two, three bats in Gotham One two three Batmen We have one two three bats in Gotham Did you see them, where and when? We have one, two, three bats in Gotham One two three Batmen We have one two three bats in Gotham Is Gotham saved or in trouble again? We have one, two, three bats in Gotham One two three Batmen We have one two three bats in Gotham Let’s go through that again. JASON: I will do what Bruce should have done long ago. DICK: I’ll do what I have to be the hero they know. TIM: I will find the truth, Bruce you didn’t die, Bruce you aren’t dead. COMPANY: Batman you aren’t dead! CIVILIAN 3: So Vikki, What does this mean? VIKKI VALE: We have one, two, three bats in Gotham One two three Batmen We have One two three bats in Gotham Three bats in Gotham! VIKKI VALE: We got one, two, three bats in Gotham
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know, we wanna know, know, know. VIKKI VALE: One two three Batmen
CIVILIAN 2: Now we know.
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know, we wanna know, know, know. VIKKI VALE: One, two, three bats!
CIVILIAN 2: Now we know.
CIVILIAN 3: We wanna know, we wanna know, know, know. VIKKI VALE: This is Vikki Vale For channel ten. [MUSIC ends] [Applause] DICK: Alfred? Who submitted paperwork that Bruce was missing? ALFRED: The board decided it was best.
DICK: I can’t believe they would do this- ALFRED: Richard, the more pressing matter here are your brothers. The three Batmen I believe are you, Master Todd, and Master Drake. Have you talked to either one of them since the gala last night?
DICK: No. Tim has been missing ever since last night and has been radio silent since. ALFRED: And Master Todd? DICK: Things with Jason right now are a little bit complicated. Ever since the Babs incident, he hasn’t been wanting to talk to me. ALFRED: And Ms. Gordon, how -?
DICK: I don’t know. The only thing I’m sure of is that this city needs Batman and I can give them that. ALFRED: Master Grayson, needs? DICK: I’m going out on patrol, [mocking VIKKI VALE] crime is running rampant. ALFRED: What do I do if Beotch comes around looking for you? He is bound to come around sooner or later. DICK: I’ll stay around Wayne Island, just page me and I’ll be over as quick as I can. ALFRED: Maybe take Damian with you? The city may want Batman, but they need to see the boy wonder. DICK: Damian, get out here! DAMIAN: Yes? DICK: That was fast. DAMIAN: Yes. DICK: Damian, today will be your first day on patrol with me- DAMIAN: I’ve patrolled with you before. DICK: As Batman. DAMIAN: Oh. I see. Well what are we waiting for? There are bad guys that need punching! ALFRED: Spoiler? Welcome. STEPH: No one was answering so I, I just snuck in. I just wanted to see everyone… and see how they’re doing. DAMIAN: Tim is not here, we haven’t seen him since the gala. STEP: Oh. Tim is still AWOL. Cool, that is cool. DICK: Um, Damian and I are about to go out on patrol. But you can go over to their house if you’d like – STEPH: Where is their house? DICK: Uh Alfred, could you-?
ALFRED: Yes. ALFRED: Come with me, we’ll go together.
STEPH: Thanks Alf. STEPH: Good luck on patrol. DAMIAN: Tt. We don’t need luck. STEPH: That was to Dick, not you. DICK: Thanks, Steph. C’mon Damian. STEPH: Wow, it’s so empty. ALFRED: I never liked it empty. STEPH: Could we… take the Batmobile there? ALFRED: I was thinking the Batwing? STEPH: Alfred, you are literally the Bomb Diggity. ALFRED: True that.
STEPH: To the Batjet! ALFRED: Batwing.
STEPH: What? ALFRED: Batwing, Miss Brown.
STEPH: That’s what I said, to the Batjet! ALFRED: Hello, acting Commissioner Beotch. BEOTCH: Alfred! We’re old friends, just call me Beotch. ALFRED: Of course…Beotch. BEOTCH: How you holdin’ up? With lil’ Brucey missin’ and everything? ALFRED: I still hold on to the belief Bruce is not missing, and I do not believe that this investigation is necessary. BEOTCH: Right, right.. Uhh. Is Dick Grayson at the manor? I was gonna go ask him some questions. ALFRED: Again, I believe that is not necessary. BEOTCH: Alfred, Alfred, Alfred. You’re too old to be naive. I know you’re a fan of that circus freak, but there’s something he’s hiding. STEPH: I’m sorry to interrupt, but how do you two know each other? BEOTCH: Well, you may not know this, kid, but I was one of the first officers on the Wayne murder. Helped catch Joe Chill myself, that son of a bitch tax evader. ALFRED: And murderer.
BEOTCH: I didn’t wanna be redundant. STEPHANIE: Didn’t that case go unsolved for like, twenty years? And, and didn’t Batman solve it? BEOTCH: Listen, you may not know this, but it’s like I always say, as a law enforcement professional: ‘Some cases take twenty.. thirty.. hell, even fifty years, if they have to! The case decides.’ STEPH: That can’t be right. BEOTCH: And anyways, Batman may have been the one to hang him up over the proverbial and literal lamppost, that son of a bitch, but who filed all the paperwork? That’s right, it was me. Commissioner Beotch. ALFRED: Acting Commissioner Beotch. BEOTCH: Listen, Alfred, it’s been nice seeing you, but I gotta go talk to Lil Dicky. STEPH: How can we convince you that that’s like a massive waste of time? BEOTCH: If you can find proof that Bruce Wayne isn’t missing from good old Gotham. But right now all evidence points to missing. ALFRED: I thought you said previously that you had to go. BEOTCH: You are right on that, Big A. Nice seeing ya. STEPH: That Gotham accent he has is horrible. I mean, my father sucked balls, but at least he taught me how to speak so I didn’t get that accent. It’s terrible.
ALFRED: Agreed. Shall we get going? STEPH: Yes, please. TIM: Hey Steph? STEPH: Tim? Tim! Tim. What are you doing here?!
TIM: Whoa! Well I can’t really explain if you kill me! STEPH: What the hell dude? I mean you left me and your post — TIM: I know, I know, I know. But I figured that we’ve been going about this whole Bruce thing in the wrong way. He is alive – STEPH: Do you have proof? Evidence? TIM: I have a lead. But I have to talk to Batman’s friends and enemies if I wanna get anywhere with it. STEPH: Or, you could just apologize to everyone? TIM: Would you accept my apology if you were them? STEPH: I don’t know. Maybe. Well why are you talking to me? Why do you think I’m ok with you? TIM: I know you’re not, but I needed to talk to someone. And I owed you a date? STEPH: Well it was a fake date. TIM: I know, but I was sort of hoping we could turn it into a real one? [STEPH gathering herself] STEPH: We can hang out. But this is not a date, and I do not like you right now. This isn’t like the third grade where you can just pass a note that says “check yes if you like me” and that’s that. You know? TIM: Okay, yeah, I know. Uh. Cool. So do you wanna go now? Or? STEPH: Uh, I’ll meet you there in an hour or so. ALFRED: Miss Brown, I do not believe now is the best time. Perhaps in a day or so. STEPHANIE: Oh. Wait. Okay. ALFRED: I’m sorry Miss Brown. STEPHANIE: Me too. DICK: Damian, how many times have I told you not to be disrespectful to people?
DAMIAN: They deserved it. DICK: Damian.
DAMIAN: When we’re on patrol you refer to me as Robin. Oh, Grayson. We’ve passed by her house six times now. Just go in. DICK: I don’t know. ALFRED: Oh, Batman. Come in on in. Robin, it might be best if you stay out here. DICK: Hey, Alfred – – Babs! Hey. BARBARA: Hi. DICK: How are you? BARBARA: Fine. DICK: I heard the emergency surgery went well. Your dad told me about it. BARBARA: It did. DICK: I’m … sorry. ALFRED: Miss Gordon, I obtained the hardware for your computer as you requested. And I brought some reading material for us both. BARBARA: Thank you Alfred. DICK: Barbara, I- BARBARA: Dick, I have a lot to process. And, I’m tired so… DICK: Right, I’ll leave. Greek mythology book? Perseus’s story was my favorite. He got a happy ending. ALFRED: We will get there, Master Dick. DICK: I sure hope so. BARBARA: Dick. DICK: Listen, if there’s anything you need, just let me know.
BARBARA: Thank you. And thank you for stopping by. I really do appreciate it. DICK: Of course. Why wouldn’t I stop by my girlfriend’s place? BARBARA: Girlfriend? DICK: Uh! I mean I thought… BARBARA: No, it’s, it’s fine. It’s good.
[DICK sighs in relief] DICK: Are you gonna…? BARBARA: Gonna what? DICK: …Boyfriend? BARBARA: Oh! No. DICK: Oh… wow. ALFRED: [Clears throat] BARBARA: Thanks for coming, boyfriend. DICK: I’ll see you later, Babs. ALFRED: Boyfriend? BARBARA: Don’t you have a book to be reading? [ALFRED chuckles] STEPHANIE: No offense, but Gotham style pizza is just the worst. I mean downright terrible. TIM: Why are you saying no offense to me? I don’t like it either. [TIM’s Pager Beeps] TIM: I-I’m sorry, I gotta go. It’s that lead. STEPHANIE: Okay. Just get that lead. [MUSIC: Waiting] STEPHANIE: Wait, wait, wait, I’m waiting… Wait, wait, wait, Always waiting. So I wait, wait, wait, But when will I go? [Dialogue] STEPHANIE: Oh- Oh! Hey Dick! DICK: Oh hey, Steph. STEPHANIE: Uh.. We should catch up. Maybe fight some bad guys, open up an old fashioned can of whoop-ass? DICK: Oh I would love to. But I’m training Damian, and he’s a handful. DAMIAN: Tt. DICK: Uh, maybe some other time, when I’m less busy. I’m sorry. STEPHANIE: It’s okay! If you change your mind I’ll be here. Waiting. [Singing] STEPHANIE: Wait, wait, wait. I’m waiting. Wait, wait, wait, Always waiting. So I wait, wait, wait… But when will I go? [Dialogue] JASON: Come on. Well I’m not really sure what to do with you, so just lay there for a second while I go make a call to my boyfriend, and my girlfriend. STEPHANIE: Hey Jay! JASON: Hey Steph! STEPHANIE: Everyone seems so busy lately. No one seems to have time to… talk, or anything. JASON: Yeahhh crazy times. STEPHANIE: Well, I was wondering if, um, maybe you could train me? Or we could just hang out? JASON: You know Steph, I gotta go call Roy and Artemis, and then I gotta figure out what to do with — hey, hey hey no, nononononono– maybe some other time. STEPHANIE: Uh, okay, yeah, um, call me! [GOON Groans]
JASON: Let’s go. [Singing] STEPHANIE: Wait. Wait, wait, I’m waiting. Wait. Wait, wait. Always waiting. So I wait, wait, wait- But when will I go? [Dialogue] TIM: Hey Steph! Sorry it’s been a couple of days. STEPHANIE: Weeks. But uh it’s alright. How are you? TIM: Better now that I’m with you. STEPHANIE: Aww, that was kinda cute. TIM: What can I say, I’m cute. STEPHANIE: So I was thinking, for our next hangout we could maybe go to Big Joe’s, or um– [TIM’s pager beeps] TIM: Sorry, Steph! [Singing] STEPHANIE: Wait. Wait Wait. I’m waiting. Wait. Wait. Wait. Always waiting. So I Wait. Wait. Wait… Should I just go? STEPHANIE: Wait. Wait. Wait- I’m Waiting. Wait, wait, wait. Always waiting. So I Wait. Wait. Wait- When will they go? So I Wait. Wait. Wait… So I guess I won’t, Wait, wait, wait… Wait. Wait. wait. Wait. Wait. Wait… Wait. Wait! Wait… It’s time for me to go. [MUSIC ends] [Applause] [DAMIAN running sound] BARBARA: Alfred, she would be much better off if you had Dick train her instead of me. Or even Jason. ALFRED: Miss Gordon, she looked up to you. And you promised her. BARBARA: I know I promised her, I just, I don’t know how. I failed her before. I didn’t train her enough for the mission and then everything went sideways. ALFRED: You don’t have to be Batgirl to be a hero. BARBARA: I know that. But I was Batgirl for almost a decade. I planned my whole life out and this just… took me down a path I wasn’t expecting. ALFRED: Who says you can’t still complete those plans now? ALFRED: Goodnight Miss Gordon. BARBARA: Awfully chatty tonight. And he left his book… Greek myths, huh? Heroes really are everywhere, even back then. The Oracle of Delphi. At least she could see what was coming. [Winces in pain] [Singing] BARBARA: How do you let go
How do you let go of A ledge you’ve held so long
Just trying to be strong How do you let go? How do you let go of
A ledge you’ve held for years In laughter, and through tears [Music: Delphi’s Prodigy] BARBARA: I’m not saying there’s no happy ending. I’m not saying my life’s an aside. I’m just saying there’s no use pretending I’m fine I’m not fine. Who am I? Who am I, anyway? And who am I to say
What I am and what I’m not I guess I just thought Who I am and who I’d come to be I’d plan on that, it’d come from me Who is it I see when I look in the mirror? I know her life I know her pain So for her I plan to move forward. She’s not fine. Who is she? Who am I, anyway? I will see what is coming for her. She won’t have to worry she will know. And everyone, everywhere will see… That they’re not done with me. I’ll be stronger than I was before, I’ll see what the future has in store. And I know that I’m not fine. But I Will be fine. Who am I? Who am I? [Music Chime] Oracle I’ll be an oracle. I’ll see what happens next. An oracle. I won the game, set, match. An oracle An Oracle… Greater than before. I’ll be an Oracle. I’ve settled the score. An oracle! This isn’t my end, This is my beginning. I’m an oracle, an oracle. I’ll be an oracle. The oracle! [Vocalizing] [MUSIC ends] [Applause] [MUSIC: News] VIKKI VALE: Hello Gotham City, this is Vikki Vale with an update about new criminal Reflection. If you don’t remember, at last month’s Wayne Manor gala the meta human, now known as Reflection, made an appearance. Reflection was apprehended that night and convicted. But it appears that Reflection might be back on the street sooner rather than later. Seemingly no concrete evidence can be tied to Reflection and she is petitioning for a retrial. Is Reflection just a misunderstood meta human? Is Reflection a criminal? Is Reflection tied to the disappearance and possible murder of Bruce Wayne? Only time will tell. JASON: Reflection’s gonna get away? That’s amaaaaazing. VIKKI VALE: And up next we’ve an interview with Acting Commissioner Beotch who is gonnna comment on the possibility of three Batmen. One Batman kills his enemies, with a gun? What’s changed? What does this mean about our beloved bat? We here at Channel Ten will keep you updated. [MUSIC ends] ALFRED: Batman killing? BABS: Jason. JASON: I heard my name. How you doing Babs? BABS: Alfred can you give us a minute, please? JASON: Bye Alf. BABS: Jason, what are you doing? JASON: Saying hi to you? BABS: Killing people? I thought you were past that. JASON: I’m killing killers. If they’re not past it, why should I be? BABS: Because we’re the good guys. We don’t kill. Especially not with guns. JASON: No, you’re the good guys. I’m the guy who is gonna get things done. Real justice.
BABS: Jason. JASON: Barbara! Did you hear that Reflection is gonna get out with no jail time? How is that justice? This system has never cared for justice, ever. Why should we play by their rules? Either we end up dead, or the criminals do. BABS: What would Bruce say to you doing this? JASON: What Bruce says doesn’t matter. BABS: Jason he doesn’t regret you, he regrets that he-
JASON: BRUCE DOESN’T MATTER! What Reflection did to us… To you? They have to pay the consequences, no matter what. [JASON angrily walking away sound] BABS: Fuck. [MUSIC: Everybody’s Fighting] [Dialogue]
BABS: Dick? Get to Arkham. Jason’s inbound to kill Reflection. [MUSIC: Everybody’s Fighting] DICK: Jason. JASON: Get out of my way. DICK: You’re acting childish, who’s surprised? JASON: And you’re a Dick, who’s surprised. DICK: Listen, I’m not gonna let you kill Reflection. I’ll – I’ll block your path. I’ll – [Singing]
JASON: Stop me. Is that what you were about to say? Stop me. Go ahead try, you’ll make my day. There’s a vengeance in my heart and a gun in my hand. So go ahead and stop me or get the fuck out of my way man- DICK: I won’t fight you. You know that. You’re my brother, my friend. But we need to let the bloodshed end. Jason… JASON: Congratulations. DICK: What? JASON: Bruce Wayne is back from the dead. DICK: You take that back! JASON: Look, I said what I said- You’re dressed as Batman You’ve got the shares from Bruce. You’re patrolling his son around. So I guess Bruce Wayne is found! DICK: I’m doing what the family needs me to do. JASON: Can’t you see I’m doing that too? You can’t be Batman and not fight for justice. DICK: You can’t be Batman and kill with a gun. [Dialogue] TIM: Did someone say Batman? DICK: What the hell? TIM: So I finally meet the other two Batmen. DICK: It’s Tim. I should have known.
JASON: God dammit. TIM: What, how’d you know it was me? DICK: The way you walked in. JASON: Your annoying voice. DICK: The way you hold yourself. TIM: Whatever, what are you guys doing here? JASON: Well we could ask the same thing! TIM: I’m here for Reflection, I’m telling you she’s up to no good, and I’m the only one that can stop her! [Singing]
DICK: That’s rich. TIM: I need to interrogate them I didn’t know you would be here. JASON: For someone who thinks they’re so smart, you seem to know nothing TIM: What does that mean? DICK: Have you even stopped to talk to Babs? JASON: Have you even apologized? TIM: I’m doing this for just-ice.
DICK/JASON: Have you even thought about us? TIM: I am in this cape and cowl so I can ask questions without being questioned Because that’s all you guys do to me Question me. And not believe me. So I am gonna prove that— JASON: How much more can you lose Tim? You lost me.
DICK: And me. JASON: Your mom,
DICK: And dad, JASON/DICK: Bruce and Stephanie, And Babs– TIM: Stop it. I get it. But this is important, Bruce is alive! JASON: Oh my god shut up! TIM: I’ve had enough
DICK: You’ve done enough JASON/DICK: You left your post
Left Stephanie alone. TIM: Look, about the gala- DICK: You don’t get to say anything about the gala. You weren’t there. DICK/JASON: You weren’t there! DICK/TIM/JASON: Look we’re fighting. Everybody’s fighting. Is this what you want? TIM/JASON: Look we’re fighting. Everybody’s fighting.
DICK: [Underneath] Don’t kill Reflection! TIM/JASON: Is this what you want?
DICK: [Underneath] Don’t kill Reflection! TIM/DICK: Look we’re fighting. Everybody’s fighting.
JASON: [Underneath] Don’t be Bruce. TIM/DICK: Is this what you want?
JASON: [Underneath] Stop looking for Bruce. DICK/JASON: Look we’re fighting. DICK/JASON: Everybody’s fighting.
TIM: [Underneath] Stop telling me what to do! JASON/DICK: Is this what you want?
TIM: [Underneath] Stop telling me what to do! DICK/TIM/JASON: Is this what you want? [They all catch their breath] JASON: Listen, You can put on the cape and cowl Whatever you like. You can say you’re Batman and the Dark Knight But you don’t do what’s necessary. You won’t move on. You follow Bruce’s footprints. Just like he wanted, Perfect son. Golden child. Boy Wonder! Well I wonder… Did you even read your note? JASON: ‘Cause he said he regretted me. So that’s the father you’re looking for? That’s the person you want to be so bad? Well not me. Not me. I’ll finally be the symbol we need. The symbol of justice, that Gotham needs…. DICK: After all we’ve been through If you kill Reflection You can’t go back on what you’ve done. JASON: I know. DICK: I won’t stop you. It’s your choice. But we’re all this families got… JASON: You know as well as I do This family ended, When Barbara got shot. [Dialogue]
DICK: Goddammit. Get out of here Tim! If it weren’t for you she wouldn’t have been shot-we would We would still be a family. TIM: This family died with Bruce! TIM/DICK: What does the note say? [Dialogue]
TIM: “Don’t look for me”. What have I done? DICK: “Don’t be Batman.” Shit. [MUSIC Ends] DAMIAN: Batman, Beotch is at the manor and wants to talk to you. DICK: Fuck. DAMIAN: What?
DICK: Nothing. DAMIAN: Did you stop Jason? I heard the other –
DICK: No, I didn’t. DAMIAN: Well, your “brothers” are really –
DICK: Not my brothers, Damian! Nor yours! Just like you said, We’re not blood related. JASON: Hello Reflection. REFLECTION: Back for more? JASON: I’m here for Justice. [GUNSHOT] [GASPS] TIM: Steph, listen to me-
STEPHANIE: Tim. I really can’t right now. Or ever. I left that life. TIM: I feel like that’s my fault. STEPHANIE: You feel like that’s your fault? TIM: That’s what I said… STEPHANIE: Listen, Tim – I have no time fo–
TIM: I’m the other Batman. STEPHANIE: I know. [Audience laughter] TIM: Oh. I thought if I could dress like Batman I could talk to his friends and enemies without people getting suspicious or asking questions. STEPHANIE: Ok. TIM: I just wanted to thank you for the idea. STEPHANIE: Ok..? TIM: So, do you forgive me? STEPHANIE: You didn’t apologize. You basically just told me that it’s my fault that you keep ditching me because I “gave you the idea”.
TIM: No- Steph, that’s not what I was- STEPHANIE: It’s Stephanie to you. Tim, do you actually have proof, I mean, tangible proof? Didn’t think so. Tim, you said you saw him once. Was it in a reflection? Because the villain Reflection is pretty good at making people–
TIM: Reflections… TIM: I forgot. STEPHANIE: Oh my god. All of this, the entire basis of your theory is because you saw a reflection?! Because you didn’t listen when Damian told us that they can play tricks on you. You are so convinced that you are right but you were not able to look at the facts. You didn’t think about anyone else but yourself and you didn’t ask for help, it was just proof proof proof and now Babs is shot and everyone is separated! [STEPHANIE grimaces] Please just leave me alone. And don’t talk to me. TIM: Dammit. She’s right. ALFRED: Young Master Wayne, it’s time to go to bed. DAMIAN: If Grayson needs backup I can help him –
ALFRED: I will be there. DAMIAN: I’m not that tired– ALFRED: The best thing you can do right now is rest. DAMIAN: But, Alf… [Audience Laughter] ALFRED: There you are. DAMIAN: [Through a yawn] Maybe I might be a little tired. I’ll just take a little nap now… ALFRED: Goodnight. [STEPHANIE Trotting along sound] STEPHANIE: Damian! Wake up.
DAMIAN: Huh. Huh? DAMIAN: Brown? What – why did you – what are you doing here?? STEPHANIE: I am Star-eyed Skunk – but my friends call me S.S. I’m here because the Enchanted Forest needs your help! DAMIAN: What… what’s wrong?? STEPHANIE: Oh, we used to all live in peace here in the Enchanted Forest until Papa Bear died. I mean sure there were some minor crimes but it was all relatively peaceful. But now all of Papa Bear’s adopted sons are fighting, and their fighting is causing internal chaos and destruction! Every time they fight, it sets a fire to the Forest, and now the entire Forest is burning down and soon there will be no home left! DAMIAN: What should I do? STEPHANIE: Great question. Okay, so, you must go to the Owl’s house. She knows what to do. DAMIAN: Ok. Ugh. You smell. STEPHANIE: I’m a skunk. You chose this! DAMIAN: Sounds about right. And why is your name Starry-eyed Skunk? I don’t see any stars. STEPHANIE: They have disappeared. DAMIAN: This is not possible. STEPHANIE: Alright, we’re here. This is Smart Owl’s house. DAMIAN: A smart owl?
STEPHANIE: But–not just any smart owl, the smartest owl in all the forest. For this journey you must go alone. DAMIAN: Why? I don’t know my way around the enchanted forest. STEPHANIE: I am an incredible tour guide, I know. But uhhh… Smart Owl doesn’t particularly like me right now. DAMIAN: Okay. So can you help me find my adopted brothers? Maybe Tim? STEPHANIE: What’s a Tim? DAMIAN: Right. Can you help me find one of my adopted brothers that you have romantic feelings for? Ugh, this is so gross. STEPHANIE: If you’re talking about who I think you’re talking about, we don’t talk anymore. It’s over between us, and apparently it’s my fault. Like, he doesn’t say anything to me when I quit and then he shows up out of the blue saying that it’s my fault- [unintelligible anger sounds] – It’s whatever, I’m over it, it’s fine. DAMIAN: Okay, you seem mad. But what life did you leave? Why did you leave? STEPHANIE: This conversation has upset me. I must go. But uh, remember to find Smart Owl, follow the vines. Good luck. DAMIAN: ??? What vines? Hey look, vines. Uhh. Hello? Uh, Smart Owl? BABS: The name is Owlacle now. DAMIAN: Oh. Owlacle. I- I was sent here to save the Enchanted Forest and to find my adopted brothers. BABS: Your brothers must feel so alone. Family no more. DAMIAN: I can fix that. How – how do I do that? Fix this. BABS: Not how but Who. DAMIAN: What does that mean? BABS: Who Who Who. DAMIAN: You. It has to be you. The adopted brothers were devastated when Papa Bear died. But when you – that’s when things fell apart. They could’ve fixed their problems in time but Reflection pushed it, shattered them! BABS: Who are you talking about?
DAMIAN: You have to talk them. You have to lead them. They will listen to you.
BABS: I cannot. DAMIAN: But why? BABS: I pushed my trainee away. How could I lead if I cannot even face her?
DAMIAN: But- Owlacle – BABS: I have nothing more. DAMIAN: Owlacle – you can’t– BABS: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? [Audience Laughter] DAMIAN: I see. So I guess this is the end. BABS: The world may never know. DAMIAN: Goodbye. TIM: I’ll find the truth. Then they’ll believe me! Get out of my way. DAMIAN: Woah, Drake.
TIM: Evidence! I need evidence. DAMIAN: What are you looking for? TIM: My father! Papa Bear is alive. DAMIAN: But why do you need Papa Bear to be alive? TIM: I need my father. I need evidence. DAMIAN: Uh, alright then. Okay– JASON: BAAAAH! DAMIAN: What’s wrong? JASON: They all wanna kick me out of the fAAAHmily. Just because I’m the blAAAHck sheep. But I’ll show them. Golden pup thinks he’s gonna get everything, but my justice will prevAAAHil! DAMIAN: Your justice? You’re burning down the whole forest, stop! JASON: Everyone’s a critic! BAAAAH! DAMIAN: Ohh, ugh! Oh look, that area just lit up. It must be another one of my adopted brothers. The third one must be next.
[Snorting Sounds] Or not. ALFRED: Stop messing with my family, Pig! BEOTCH: Who gains the most from Papa Bear’s death? His first son! ALFRED: He would never. BEOTCH: I need evidence for the contrary. Oink. DAMIAN: Hello? Lion? ALFRED: Hello. DAMIAN: How are you? ALFRED: My whole pride is gone. I raised them all with Papa Bear, and now they’re all fighting and Papa Bear is gone. I am more alone now than ever. DAMIAN: Well what should I do? No– [Barking sounds] Oh! Dick? DICK: Hi, Keebler Elf! How are you? DAMIAN: Are you – are you Golden pup? DICK: [Growling] No! I am Papa Bear now. DAMIAN: You don’t look like a Papa Bear. DICK: It is what I need to be. For them!
DAMIAN: For who? DICK: For them!
DAMIAN: What? DICK: Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel! Squirrel!
DAMIAN: Oh, this is so hopeless. They insisted on being a family and now – Why should I be the one to bring people together? BRUCE: Because you are my son. [Silent sound of everyone in the audience’s heart breaking] DAMIAN: Papa Bear? BRUCE: Hello, little cub. DAMIAN: Why do I have to be the one to bring people together? BRUCE: Because it’s in your blood. Waynes love justice. Waynes are leaders. Most importantly, Waynes bring people together. DAMIAN: What should I do? BRUCE: Make them listen. DAMIAN: They don’t do that very well. BRUCE: Who said you have to do it alone? Find someone who will. You know WHO. DAMIAN: She said she couldn’t. Father, how do I bring people together? BRUCE: Find a way to make them communicate. Look what you have achieved. You reconciled the Starry-eyed Skunk and the Smart Owl. DAMIAN: I did? STEPHANIE: Oh! Smart Owl. I’ll go. BABS: The name is Owlacle now. STEPHANIE: Oh. Ok. I’ll leave – BABS: No. STEPHANIE: I thought you didn’t want to see me. BABS: I didn’t know how to face you. BRUCE: My son. You must find your brothers before the entire Enchanted Forest burns. DAMIAN: But–you’re alive, you can fix this, you can just show them that you’re alive! BRUCE: I am merely an apparition in a metaphorical dream. But even if I was here, I am not the answer. DAMIAN: But… Father, I don’t have any time with you. Can we just stay here? BRUCE: No, the sun is rising and you must wake. But you can always find me here. Goodnight, my son. Wake up. DAMIAN: AAAAH! Papa Bear! Papa Bear don’t leave me! Papa Bear no! No! Papa! No Papa! Uuuh! [heavy breathing]
ALFRED: Young Master Wayne, young Master Wayne! ALFRED: Are you all right? I heard yelling. DAMIAN: [stuttering] It was just a weird dream. There were animals, and a forest, and you were a lion. [Groans] I shouldn’t watch Lion King before bedtime. ALFRED: I see. Well, I’ll leave you. Come downstairs for scones when you’re ready. [MUSIC: Save the Day] DAMIAN: [Dialogue] I understand now. [SINGING] I know why you were here Why I saw my father I’ll save the day do not fear I’ll do it for your honor For my honor. [Drums play] I know the steps I gotta take I see it all I am awake So let us begin. Everyone thinks that Batman was alone, He never was on his own. Everyone thinks that Batman puts justice above all. Even though he’s gone… He always had his family to fall- Back on. Batman’s not a loner. He was never alone. So I won’t be alone. And now the son is rising, As the day begins. I have to save my family From ruin. I have to spread my wings and fly! [Kickass Guitar Riff] I have to save the day. That’s what heroes do, anyway. Save the day. So let the saving….. begin! [Dialogue] DAMIAN: Brown! STEPHANIE: Damian? What are you doing here? DAMIAN: Begrudgingly, I need your help. STEPHANIE: Damian. I don’t do hero stuff– Ohh STEPHANIE: Wah!
[Cup dropping noise- CLOP] [Laughter] STEPHANIE: The hell!? DAMIAN: [Singing] Don’t mistake this for kind-ness But aren’t you always saying Badass is a state of mind? STEPHANIE: ..ness? DAMIAN: I need your help to save the day. If I had a choice I would pick another way But I need you To save the day. [Dialogue]
STEPHANIE: Ok? I guess. DAMIAN: Come on let’s go. STEPHANIE: O-Ok! Could you explain a little bit more? And be nicer? DAMIAN: If I tell you, you won’t come with me.
STEPHANIE: That’s ominous, Demon child. DAMIAN: Tt- Come on! Let’s go.
STEPHANIE: Ok! STEPHANIE: Wah! DAMIAN:[Singing] We need to save the day. That’s what heroes do, anyway. Save the day, So let saving Begin! BABS: [Dialogue] Damian why did you want me to meet you here. And at this random park. DAMIAN: I need your help. BABS: With what? Oh, Steph. Hi. DAMIAN: I need all of your help. STEPHANIE: Damian. I- I don’t think she wants me here. BABS: No. I do. STEPHANIE: You do? BABS: [Singing] I’m sorry, Stephanie Brown I didn’t prepare you. I didn’t do this right. I’m sorry I pushed you away STEPHANIE: No. [Singing] I’m sorry I thought you hated me. I thought you blamed me. I blame me too. BABS: No it’s not your fault I didn’t prepare you. I felt so ashamed. You looked up to me. STEPHANIE: I still look up to you. That will never change. BABS: [Dialogue] Are we ok? STEPHANIE: [Dialogue] I think we are. [Singing]
BABS/STEPH: Badass is a state of ours! So let’s save… the day! [Dialogue]
BABS: Before we go I have an announcement to make. DAMIAN: Then just say it. BABS: Steph. I don’t think you should be Spoiler anymore. STEPH: Oh. Okay. BABS: I think you should be Batgirl now. STEPH: What? I-I-I-I don’t know what to say! BABS: Say you’ll be Batgirl. STEPH: Okay, I’ll be Batgirl!? BABS: You deserve it Steph. STEPH: But you’re Batgirl, I can’t just-
BABS: No, I am a new hero now. Call me Oracle. STEPH: Dope name.
DAMIAN: Well, what can an Oracle do? ALFRED: What can’t she do? BABS: I would show you, but I don’t have my laptop.
ALFRED: Here. BABS: Oh, woah. How —
DAMIAN: What is all this? BABS: Well, algorithms. I took my photographic memory, superior intellect and computer knowledge as well as superhero knowledge to make a superhero information network source. So basically anything you need to find, I can find it for you. No more villains are getting away on my watch. [Singing]
BABS: You have to play the game correctly. STEPH: We’re back! BABS: Never givin’ up–that’s the trick. STEPH: That’s right, bitch. BABS: You wanna take them down just watch me- BABS/STEPH/ALFRED: Distract then punch then twirl and kick. [Dialogue]
DAMIAN: Waitwaitwait–we’re not fighting them.
STEPH: Oh no but we’re fighting for them. It’s a metaphor. [Singing]
BABS/STEPH/ALFRED: Fight fight fight for your life. We gotta learn, ALFRED: Learn.
STEPH: Learn
BABS/STEPH/ALFRED: Adapt and survive. And we never gave up. We played the game but it’s not enough. We gotta fight for our lives! [Dialogue] STEPH: Ok, if this whole thing doesn’t work out, which obviously I want it to, but if it doesn’t, we should form our own group, just us. What would we call ourselves..? ALFRED: How about… The Birds of Prey? STEPH/BABS: That name is perfect./Ooh I like it.
DAMIAN: That won’t work! DAMIAN: Can you just help me find Dick, Tim, and Jason? They’re not answering my calls; I assume they’re on patrol. BABS: Give me one second… and… got it. Jason is at the warehouse district, Tim is at Gotham City penitentiary, and Dick is at the Gotham City news headquarters. DAMIAN: Ok, great. Our task is to get them to meet at Wayne Manor, and to get them to just talk: not fight, but talk. Gordon, if you tell them it’s an emergency they will come immediately. BABS: On it.
DAMIAN: And Gordon, I need you to set them straight. BABS: My pleasure. DAMIAN: Everyone clear? Let’s put this fire out once and for all. Singing]
DAMIAN/STEPH/BABS/ALFRED: So let’s save the day. That’s what heroes do, anyway. [Acapella]
Save the day. That’s what heroes do anyway. Save… We’re gonna save, save, save, Save, save. Save! [Music starts]
Save the day… So let the saving… Begin! [MUSIC Ends] [Applause] TIM: What’s going on, what’s the emergency? What – Oh, hi Steph. STEPH: Stephanie. TIM: I-
DICK: Babs? Babs where are you? DICK: What’s the emergency? Steph, where’s Babs?
STEPH: Ummm… JASON: The tax evansionists? Where are they? They’re not getting away this time. STEPH: Uh, hey Jay!
JASON: Oh hey Steph. JASON: Tim.
TIM: Jason. JASON: Dick. DICK: Oh. I see what this is. This isn’t a real emergency, is it? I’m outta here.
JASON: Me too. TIM: Me three.
JASON: Oh real creative Tim!
TIM: You know what Jason? STEPH: Heh, nice one Jay. ALFRED: Everyone sit. This has gone on long enough. [Scuttling to seats noise]
STEPH: Sit! [DickBabs theme plays]
DICK: Babs! [DickBabs theme plays]
DAMIAN: Hey no! [Music stops] This is not the time. BABS: Hello everyone. I called you all here today because well, you’re still fighting and honestly, it is so stupid. And I am sick and tired of being the reason for all of your actions. [DICK, JASON, and TIM arguing]
BABS: Sit the fuck down and listen up. BABS: Timothy Jackson Drake. You’re grieving and in pain. But Bruce couldn’t have survived that explosion. You’re smart, you know that deep down. You have a responsibility to this family. You always ask them to listen to you, but you don’t always remember to listen to them. TIM: You’re right. I-I’m sorry everyone, I just got so sucked up into finding Bruce that I neglected my responsibilities to my family, and my friends. Stephanie, I’m really sorry about how I treated you. Guys, it was… Bruce was really a Reflection. DAMIAN: Duh… JASON: I feel you bro, Reflection sucks. TIM: Thanks bro. BABS: Jason. [JASON stumbling forward noise] You’re a part of this family. You always have been. Everyone here loves you. Bruce loved you most of all, because he made exception after exception for you, no matter what you’ve done over the years. He didn’t regret you, he regretted that he wasn’t there for you, and that he let you die. The code in this family is not to kill. So why did you kill Reflection? JASON: I didn’t kill Reflection. I couldn’t. You nerds got in my head. DICK: But, there was a gunshot noise reported… JASON: I shot the doorknob. TIM: Why’d you shoot a doorknob?
JASON: Because I didn’t have time to pick the lock so I shot the doorknob! [Audience Laughter] I’m just, [choking up] so sad, all the time, and I mask it with anger– DICK: Bring it in man. [Audience Laughter] BABS: Dick. You’re not Bruce. Thank god. No one asked you to be Bruce. And no one asked you to be Batman either, but, you decided to fill those shoes yourself. Apparently those shoes were a little too big, because you got overwhelmed, and forgot your responsibilities. Robin couldn’t come to Batman. Does that sound familiar to you? You all set an example for Damian. He looks up to you. So why don’t we do This, going forward: no more putting on cowls and fighting and instead we learn to communicate. Are we in agreement? DICK: We’re sorry Damian. JASON: We fucked up. TIM: I love you guys so much!
DICK: Bring it in. JASON: God. ALFRED: You’re a good leader, Miss Gordon. BABS: Thanks. DICK: Group hug! [EVERYONE groaning, mostly JASON complaining] TIM: Come on Jason, you love us! JASON: No, nonononono…
TIM: Group hug’s not over! JASON: No no no no no!
DAMIAN: Wait for me! DICK: Well, leave it to you to put everyone in their place. BABS: You know, Damian is the one who called all of us. Whether he likes to admit it or not, he does love his brothers. DICK: He’s a good kid. BABS: So… DICK: Um, yeah. So I’ve decided to just be Nightwing for now. Until I talk to my brothers. BABS: Sounds like a plan. DICK: So, where are we strolling too? BABS: I have no idea. DICK: Sounds good! Um. So, Babs, I’ve been think– BABS: Shut up. DICK: What?
BABS: Big Joe’s coffee shop. BABS: The place Steph is always talking about!
DICK: [Overlapping] The place Tim is always talking about! BABS: Let’s go in. DICK: Look, there’s Steph! Let’s go say hi. BABS: No, there’s Tim. DICK: Ah, he’s approaching her. BABS: Are we gonna snoop?
DICK: Oh absolutely. BABS: That’s horrible, Dick.
DICK: Shh. TIM: Hi Steph–anie. Hi Stephanie.
STEPH: Hi Tim. You do know it’s open mic night right? TIM: Uh, yeah, I know, but I thought I’d risk it; I really needed to talk to you. STEPH: Tim, what do you want? TIM: I wanted to apologize. Just you and me, person to person, face to face. STEPH: Yeah?
TIM: Yeah. STEPH: Alright, I’m listening. TIM: I’m really sorry I took your friendship for granted. And I- I shouldn’t have left you at the gala. You’re so awesome, you don’t deserve that. You – you deserve everything. And I pinky promise to never, ever hurt you again. STEPH: Tim, that’s not something you can promise… And pinky promise? Look, I … don’t know if I can forget everything.
TIM: But!- TIM: Well I’m not asking you to forget, just forgive? STEPH: Listen Tim –
TIM: Looklooklooklooklook – I have– I just want you to hear me out, ok? Before everything’s said and done, I just have one really big thing to say. STEPH: Ok… JEBEDIAH: Up next on the mic is Timothy Drake. BABS/DICK: Oh my god.
STEPH: Oh no. TIM: Hi everyone, my name’s Tim Drake and I wrote a song for a really awesome girl.
[MUSIC: Check Yes] And I hope she likes it.
[MUSIC: Check Yes] [Guitar strums and kazoo noise throughout song] [SINGING]
TIM: So I wrote you a note today And I’m interested in what you have to say. I tried pretty hard not to gloat So open it up and see what I wrote… Check yes if you like me, Check yes if you like me… Check yes if you like me
ooOOoOOO But if you say no I respect that too. La la lalalaLAA La
lalalala laa La….. You can’t see the stars in Gotham They make wishes on window lights Flickering off and on in the night. But my one wish to those lights, tonight
is for you to… Check yes if you like me, Check yes if you like me… Check yes if you like me
ooOOoOOO But if you say no, Please don’t say no. If you say no, I respect that too. TIM: So? STEPH: I said no. TIM: Oh, yeah, no, the kazoo was probably a really bad call– STEPH: I’m kidding! I-I-I said yes.
TIM: Wait, yeah?! STEPH: You’re such a nerd.
TIM: I mean I wouldn’t really call myself – [THEY KISS] TIM: Nerd it is. STEPH: Thanks Jeb! TIM: Yeah thanks Jeb! JEBEDIAH: [through kazoo] Fuck you! [Audience Laughter] BABS: That was a little gross. But overall…cute! DICK: Oh it’s just such a beautiful thing to witness. It’s just- Love exists you know? It’s out there, it’s in the air– BABS: C’mon buddy. Let’s go get you a tissue. [Babs laughs] DICK: Um, Babs, like I was trying to say earlier, I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately and-
BABS: Dick, BABS: If you’re gonna break up with me, can you just do it? Don’t drag it out, it hurts too much.
DICK: Whoawhoawhoa what? DICK: I’m not, I’m not breaking up with you. Why would you think that? BABS: Because most break-ups start with “I’ve been thinking about us lately.” DICK: They do? Huh, I guess they do. BABS: Well if you weren’t gonna break up with me what were you gonna say? DICK: You know what… never mind. BABS: Ok? DICK: You know what, no, actually, I do have something really important that I’d like to say. BABS: Oohkay, well I have something important to say too. DICK: Okay, uhh, then we should say it at the same time. BABS: Okay.
DICK: Alright. [At the same time]
BABS: One-
DICK: Three- DICK: Hold on, alright, alright, alright. BABS: Three-
DICK: One- BABS: I met you there!
DICK: I was trying to go ok alright. DICK: One-
BABS: One–we’re doing one, right? BABS: Are you 100% doing one?
DICK: Yeah yeah yeah we’re doing one! [BABS and DICK unintelligibly speaking over each other] BABS/DICK: 1..2..3.. DICK: I love you Babs!
BABS: Dick, I love you! [Dick and Babs Laugh] BABS: Good to know I guess. DICK: Yeah. C’mere c’mere.
BABS: What? DICK: Just, I’m gonna- here. [They kiss] DICK: This is it for me. BABS: Meaning that you’ll marry me and get a house and have kids with me? DICK: Oh, ah, BABsolutley. [Strained audience laughter] I’m ready for my future with you to start. BABS: Somehow that feels so much worse. DICK: I love you.
BABS: I know. BEOTCH: Richard Grayson. You are under arrest for the murder of Bruce Wayne. BABS: Excuse me? BEOTCH: Ah, Miss Gordon. Tell your father I said hello. BABS: I’ll tell him that you’re making unlawful arrests. BEOTCH: Bruce Wayne died under mysterious circumstances. All evidence points to Grayson.
DICK: This is insane. I would not kill my papa! BEOTCH: Sure sure. This way. Come with me. BABS: Dick, I’ll prove your innocence! Time for a meeting. REFLECTION: [Dialogue] No no! She’s still alive. I have escaped prison but I have not escaped my fate. I cannot leave till I am sure Batgirl is dead. I’m coming for you Batgirl.
[MUSIC: Reflection Reprise] [MUSIC: Reflection Reprise] REFLECTION: Reflection
Where is your protection? [MUSIC Ends] JASON: Guys, why did Babs call us here? [MUSIC: News] [MUSIC: News]
JASON: You know I’ve always wondered why these intros are so long. [MUSIC: News]
TIM: It’s to distract you from how scary the news really is. [MUSIC: News]
JASON: Ohh. Makes sense. G. GORDON GODFREY: Hello. This is G. Gordon Godfrey with GBS news. I am here live outside Arkham covering the release of the criminal Reflection. JASON: Aw, I’m about to throw down.
DAMIAN: Tt- G. GORDON GODFREY: Breaking news! Paperwork has been submitted announcing the official death of Bruce Wayne. Apparently his death was under mysterious circumstances. JASON: What idiot would’ve done that? TIM: Alright, I sort of told the coroner I needed to file a report. DAMIAN: Why would you do that! TIM: Cause there was the whole part about th-the whole moving on thing y’know? G. GORDON GODFREY: This just in. Adopted son of Bruce Wayne Richard Grayson has been arrested for the murder of Bruce Wayne. Who would’ve seen that one coming?
JASON/TIM/DAMIAN: What! BABS: That’s why I called you all here today.
[MUSIC Ends] JASON: Ok well Dick is a dick, but he doesn’t deserve this. TIM: Why was Reflection released? BABS: Probably because the one that put them behind bars is accused of murder. JASON: Well can’t you say that’s not true? BABS: [sighs] I could, but it could easily be said that I wasn’t in the right mind to remember. DAMIAN: Can you give the evidence as Oracle then? BABS: That’s not a bad idea. DAMIAN: Ok. So how do we get Dick free? BABS: We have to just give evidence that Bruce didn’t die because of Dick. TIM: What if we kill two birds with one stone? JASON: Meaning? TIM: What if we tie Refl-ah, what if we tie Bruce Wayne’s death to Reflection? JASON: Or we could just lure Reflection somewhere. STEPH: OOH! Oh! What if we have Batgirl show up on TV, with Bruce Wayne. Then they’d have to – they’d have to show up. JASON: Steph, not you too.
STEPH: Oh no no no, Bruce doesn’t need to be alive to convince everyone that he’s alive. If we convince the world that he’s alive then they have to release Dick. BABS: She’s right. ALFRED: We have Master Bruce’s fingerprints, hair, body dimensions, face mask, voice recording: all the stuff one would need to properly emulate Bruce. JASON: Uhhh… DAMIAN: Are you suggesting we make a Bruce costume? BABS: With work, we could make someone look like Bruce. JASON: But who? I mean… I can feel you looking at me and I hate that so much. No. No.
ALFRED: You’re the one who has the correct height and build. JASON: That’s not right. BABS: And you ha – all we would have to do is change your fingerprints and change your face and your hair to look like Bruce. Plus, they can’t trace your DNA to anyone alive, since you’re legally dead. TIM: And you already know how to act like Bruce. JASON: Ok this is my worst nightmare. ALFRED: You know what would be icing on top of the cake, if that Beotch could be there to witness the whole thing. BABS: I’ll call a press conf – a press announcement at the GCPD. STEPH: Ooh! Say something like, uhh, false paperwork was filed about his death and he’s there to fix it. TIM: That’s a really good idea, Steph.
STEPH: Thanks, Tim. TIM: Yeah?
STEPH: Yeah. DAMIAN: Hey heyhey what’s going on here? JASON: I don’t know but it’s really weird. STEPH: I guess we should tell them. TIM: Well, guys, uh… Stephanie and I are dating! BABS: [Overcompensating] What!!! I’m so surprised!!!
JASON: Clearly. DAMIAN: So the plan? BABS: Yes! I will be watching over the security cameras and coms. Uhh Batgirl- STEPH: That’s me! BABS: Batgirl will go out in public and lure Reflection out. Uh, Jason will pose as Bruce. Take Damian with you, that’ll be your excuse for why you were gone so long, you were retrieving your son. JASON: We’re gonna have so much fun Demon Munchkin! Call me padre! DAMIAN: I’d rather not. ALFRED: And I will start the plan preparations. BABS: Alright, let’s meet back here at eighteen hundred hours and then separate into our posts. Everyone got it? STEPH: Got it.
BABS: Alright! BABS: Save Dick and stop Reflection on 3. 1…2…3! EVERYONE: [A jumbled version of “Rescue Dick and frame Reflection”]. STEPH: Well, I guess that could’ve been worse. Um, see you tomorrow Oracle. BABS: See you Batgirl. And after this, let’s start training again. STEPH: I would love that. BABS: Me too. [Some funky fresh jammin’ tunes for a press conference]
BEOTCH: What exactly is this press conference for anyway? Wayne Enterprises? [MUSIC:Stops] JASON: Ahh, hello everyone. It is I, Bruce Wayne, back in the city of smog, the city I love, Gotham city. Look out ladies, I’m back. BEOTCH: How could this be? We got a coroner report and all the paperwork- JASON: Beotch! I’m glad you could join us here today. I am here to clear up any false rumors. It’s clear that I am not dead, somebody must have filed some false paperwork for notoriety. BEOTCH: No, I would never do-
JASON: I didn’t say it was you Beotch. BEOTCH: It’s actually acting commissioner Beo-
JASON: I have an announcement. I would like everyone to meet my pride and joy, the sun in the sky, my son: Damian Wayne. BABS: Good work Jason. Stephanie are you almost in position…? JASON: I think I am really nailing this.
DAMIAN: I disagree. JASON: Dami-wami, don’t you take that tone with your father. DAMIAN: Gordon! BABS: Jason. JASON: I am just giving the people what they want. BABS: Stephanie, are you in position now? STEPH: I’m here. JASON: Clearly I just wanted to make sure he was my son when his mother contacted me, I didn’t know he was mine, and he is. He has the looks to prove it, am I right?
DAMIAN: Tt- JASON: So then I just wanted to take some time to get to know him, away from the press of it all. I didn’t let anybody from my family contact me, in case the press would catch wind of it. BEOTCH: I see. JASON: And then about a month ago I was supposed to announce him at the gala, but this little bugger got sick. [DAMIAN fake coughs] [Audience laughter] Then my dad slash butler, Alfred, got ahold of me, and uh told me that people were thinking I was dead. And school was starting soon, so we flew back to Gotham immediately. BEOTCH: I don’t know what to say. JASON: Beotch! I hear you have arrested my little boy Dickie!
BEOTCH: I’m so sorry Mr. Wayne- JASON: Apologies won’t cut it. I’ve got my eye on you, Beotch, and we can make this whole thing go away but you have to release my son. And you know what? Beg Gordon to come back. BABS: Jason!
JASON: I got this. Beotch? BEOTCH: Of course Mr. Wayne. JASON: Oh is that Batgirl I see? Batgirl join us over here! STEPH: (In a southern accent) Sounds good Mr. Wayne. JASON: An accent?
STEPH: I’m not good on TV. JASON: Just wave. You too, my pride and joy. BABS: Reflection is in view. REFLECTION: Where is Batgirl?! BEOTCH: Your son will be released right away, Mr. Wayne, I need you to sign some paperwork, I brought it out here so you don’t have to worry about i- DICK: Commissioner Beotch, he seems a little preoccupied. BEOTCH: Oh shit.
JASON: Right, right. JASON: Here, here! Now release my little Dick boy! BEOTCH: Right away! Where are all my officers? DICK: Are you really Bruce? JASON: Oh, no, it’s Jason man. DICK: Oh.
JASON: Sorry to get your hopes up, we had to get you out of there somehow. DICK: Ah that’s ok, I get it, and I thank you for it. Not a fan of being a jailbird. Am I right Jaybird? DAMIAN: Let’s get out of here, and suit up. JASON: Alright, hey. Go be the Batman the city needs. DICK: Are you sure? I’m fine just being Nightwing. JASON: Mm, no. Bruce didn’t want you to be Batman because he thought you would make a much better Batman than him, so you deserve it. DICK: I love you, bro. But, are you sure? JASON: Okay honestly I prefer my hood and Tim sucks, so you’re all that’s left. TIM: Were you guys talking about me?
BABS: Hey, guys? Bad guy? JASON: Right! Let’s suit up. BEOTCH: So all my officers are gone. Did I give them all the same break? REFLECTION: Get out of my way! Civilian. STEPH: They think you’re a civilian.
TIM: It’s not funny! STEPH: Kinda is, babe.
REFLECTION: I’ll kill you, and Batgirl. BEOTCH: Reflection just admitted to wanting to kill-
REFLECTION: I’ll kill you too, Beotch. BEOTCH: You’re on your own. [Pained and panicked yelling]
TIM: Stephanie! REFLECTION: Wait a minute. You’re not the Batgirl I fought. Agh! STEPH: I hate that mirror. BABS: Batgirl come in.
STEPH: Uh, I’m alright, eh, kinda um… STEPH: But Reflection got away. And realized I’m not Barbara. BABS: Alright, meet me in the Warehouse district. It’s time for a meeting. TIM: I hate the warehouse district. STEPH: This has been so crazy, but, it’s so cool to see Oracle in action. BABS: Thanks girl! DICK: Ahh, Alfred made cucumber sandwiches!
JASON: Aw hell yeah! Tiiiim, he’s gonna be Batman for awhile. DICK: Uh, is that cool with you man?
TIM: Oh, yeah that’s cool now. But I mean when I grow up I’m totally-
BABS: Ok, Reflection hasn’t shown up yet. BABS: But it’s only a matter of time. STEPH: But how will they know where to find us? BABS: I may have given them my location.
DICK: What? DAMIAN: How? BABS: Oracle has some tricks up her sleeve. Reflection loves warehouses, so it’s only a matter of time she’s bound to show up. STEPH: Yeah, why do villains love warehouses? JASON: Why does Batman love caves? STEPH: Fair point.
DICK: Alright then. BABS: If we work together, we can take Reflection down. All we have to do is shatter that mirror. DICK: Alright, let’s do this together, united as a family. STEPH: The Batfam. EVERYONE: The Batfam! REFLECTION: Why did you call me here? What are you up to? BABS: Hello Reflection. REFLECTION: It is you. I see why you called me here. You want me to finish you off. Hmm! Living a life like this must be miserable for you. You’re so powerless. Well, I’ll do what you want. [MUSIC: Look Above Reprise] [MUSIC: Look Above Reprise]
DICK: Now! [SINGING]
BATFAM: You don’t wanna mess with us Whoaohh Cause if you do you’ll get the rest of us Whoaohh We fight for each other, this family we love! So Reflection better look above. [MUSIC Ends] DICK: Enough of you.
DAMIAN: Tt- [mirror shatter noise]
JASON: And I got your gun. REFLECTION: What are you gonna do? Try to shoot me again? JASON: No, Imma let the cops deal with you. Hear we got a good commissioner coming in. TIM: And I’m cuffin’ them right now, so they shouldn’t be any trouble. STEPH: And I left a note, as well a security tape. DAMIAN: I can’t believe you would attack Bruce Wayne and his sons. REFLECTION: I didn’t- DICK: Oh, that’s not what the cameras show. REFLECTION: What! You’re framing me! No! I framed you. DICK: You framed me?
REFLECTION: I wanted you out of the way so I tipped some people off. REFLECTION: It was easy. The people of Gotham are pathetic! DICK: Why did you want me out of the way? REFLECTION: Payback. For putting me in Arkham. STEPH: Have fun going back. REFLECTION: I placed the bomb. I destroyed the Lazarus pit. I killed the Al Ghuls, and Batman. Wanna kill me now? Come on, fight me! DICK: Let’s go, Batfam. [REFLECTION falling to the ground noise] BABS: Just so you know, I’m more powerful now than I ever have been. Have fun rotting in Arkham. It should give you some time to reflect. REFLECTION: You can’t just leave me here! You heroes are everywhere! One of you are bound to- BEOTCH: Reflection, you are under arrest for attempted murder and murder. REFLECTION: No! BEOTCH: Look at this. Security camera footage. “Keep away from mirrors. – Hugs and Kisses, OrAKle.” Oracle? Guess Gotham has a new hero. REFLECTION: [shouting angrily] Hey! HEY! [Audience Applause] DAMIAN: Todd. JASON: Yeah, hey, buddy! You can – you can call me Padre still, I know you want to. DAMIAN: I’d rather die than do that. JASON: Alright, enough with the angst. Tim has enough for all of us. STEPH: Hey guys!
TIM: We are here, and ready to party! JASON: Awww, I did not get to make a fashionably late entrance. I will be right back. TIM: Ok..? He’s dramatic, you know how he is. DICK: We’re here! And we brought Gotham Style Pizza! EVERYONE: Ewww/Ugh/Aww BABS: And wings!
[Everyone cheers] BABS: Where is Jason? STEPH: Oh, he wants to make a dramatic entrance. I’m bout it. JASON: Did somebody say Jason? Here I am, back from the dead! Hold the applause. DAMIAN: No one was applauding. JASON: Oh little one, so naive. ALFRED: I’d like to propose a toast! To the Batfam. EVERYONE: To the Batfam! DICK: I would also like to say something. STEPH: Oh my god, you guys, it’s happening! Everyone be quiet! DAMIAN: Everyone was quiet. TIM: Hey, don’t be mean to my girlfriend.
STEPH: I can handle the little rascal. DAMIAN: Tt- DICK: Okay, um, I was going to say this tonight, at our romantic dinner, but right now seems like the perfect place. With my grandpa Alfred, my three brothers Damian, Tim, and Jason, and our new family member Steph. Um- JASON: Dick.
DICK: Yeah? JASON: High five buddy.
DICK: Ooh. Yeah. DICK: Barbara Jean Gordon, with you by my side, there is nothing we can’t accomplish. I wanna spend my future with you, forever. Will you marry me? BABS: God, you’re such a Dick. JASON: Is that a yes?
DICK: Is it? BABS: Yes. Yes! I will marry you. [Cheers] [MUSIC: News Theme] [MUSIC: News Theme]
JASON: [From backstage] So long! G. GORDON GODFREY: Welcome back to GBS, this is G. Gordon Godfrey. I am here live outside at the wedding of Richard Grayson-Wayne and Barbara Gordon. Bruce Wayne will not be in attendance, after taking a long sabbatical with his newly found son. Or perhaps returning to Mars. But even I have to admit – What? What do you mean I’m being ridiculous? Well, Mr. Stroeher, I know for a fact that you received bribes from Bill Clinton to get him good press during his campaign. Uh. Oh, it looks like it’s starting! Goodbye everyone! [MUSIC Ends] JASON: Alright, well. Looks like you’re about to get your ass kicked for the rest of your life. DICK: And I’m ready for it. TIM: You got this, dude.
DICK: Thanks, Tim. DAMIAN: Do not mess this up. DICK: Thanks, Dami. ALFRED: It’s time. JASON: Alright well, go kick some ass. DICK: Thanks. DAMIAN: Group hug? DICK: Sure.
JASON: Fine. JASON: Ohh, it’s even worse than last time. TIM: Just enjoy it!
JASON: I can’t enjoy it, it’s with you. ALFRED: I got to go check on Miss Gordon. JASON: Oh yeah. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on- STEPH: You look so beautiful Babs. BABS: Thank you. STEPH: Let me tie this for you. BABS: Ha, thanks.
ALFRED: I think it’s time. [MUSIC: Dick/Babs Theme] [MUSIC: Dick/Babs Theme]
BABS: Um, Dick, where is our officiant? [MUSIC Ends] DICK: Uh… [Letter opening sounds- Crinkle] DICK: ‘Gotcha’? BRUCE: I’m back. DICK: Bruce!
[JASON repeatedly shushing TIM] BRUCE: You didn’t think I was gonna miss this, did you? Let’s get this wedding started! [MUSIC: Heroes are Everywhere] [DICK/BABS Kiss] [Batfam cheering] [SINGING] BABS: To the future, DICK: To the past, BABS/DICK: To a love that will last. JASON: To the old friends, STEPH/DAMIAN: And the new! ALFRED: To everything we’ve been through. BATFAM: We stand here together tonight It’s nice to finally not have to fight. We get this moment, a time to share To look around and see… Heroes are everywhere. [Dialogue]
JASON: Alfred, drinks, please! ALFRED:Patience! ALFRED:Ehemm! [Singing]
DICK: To what we see, JASON: To all we know, DAMIAN/TIM: We are more than our reflections show. ALFRED: To Gotham! STEPH: And the light you shine… BABS: Your badass is a state of mine! DICK: To Birds and Bats! DAMIAN: To the sky… JASON: Let’s hope no more of us die- ALFRED: To tonight. BRUCE: To this celebration. STEPH/TIM: Look at the Heroes in the sky
and the constellations… BATFAM: We stand here together tonight I admire all your strength and might. We get this time, a moment to share To look around and see… Heroes are everywhere. [Batfam cheering] To the husband. To the wife. To death and to life. Look above… And you’ll see… All of us together in the Batfamily! [Dialogue]
BABS: Gotham’s in trouble, again. DICK: Alright. Let’s suit up Batfam! BRUCE: Batfam? I like it. STEPH: YES! [Singing] STEPH: Look at that group over there They’re my family so pretend to care. I want to say the last few words About this group of bats and birds. So here’s to them and here’s to you Because it looks like we have made it through. And if you look around… You’ll hear the quiet has sound. What was broken is mended. And this show is happy ended! DAMIAN: Everything can change. BABS: And everything will change. JASON/STEPH: But we’ll figure it out TIM/DICK: As a family. BATFAM: All in the family… STEPH: So look to the sky! ALFRED: And feel it in the air. BRUCE: Birds and Bats fly… BATFAM: And heroes are everywhere! BATFAM: And heroes are everywhere!
DICK/DAMIAN: [Underneath] Birds and Bats in the sky! BATFAM: Everywhere! ALFRED: Word. [MUSIC Ends] [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC: Birds and Bats Overture]
Hear the complete overture by watching the credits!! [Subtitles by Heather Babin and Maeve Kelley Baker]

43 thoughts on “Birds and Bats: A Parody Musical

  1. Doctor: You have 2 hours and 51 minutes to live
    Me:

    Mind if I review? I really loved it.
    Here's a mystery: if the title says it's a musical "parody" why am I crying?? Ok but seriously this is so good. I like how it's a Batfam parody in the same way that Little Shop of Horrors is a horror parody- the concept is inherently a parody, so the actors get to play it seriously and in the end it not only has a lot of humor, but a lot of heart. This is the content I'm here for. And the music is honestly really catchy. If this were on spotify, I'd stream it. I'm, like, two seconds away from covering the Stephanie Brown song in act 1 and Babs' song in act 2. If you put up instrumentals, I'd use them in a heartbeat. The cast was so much fun to watch and everyone's acting was spot on. I especially loved your Steph, Dick, and Jason, but everyone was great. I didn't expect I'd be watching something that had me genuinely invested but by the end of act 1 I was totally caught up in the suspense of the story. As far as Batman musical parodies go, I think I'd watch this over Starkid's any day. This was seriously awesome, thanks for uploading it so everyone can enjoy!

  2. This is…..like wow. I mean I was on tumblr and stuff so I’ve been looking forward to it. But it was somehow WAY better than I thought it would be. SO amazing, I can see my self rewatching this multiple times

  3. i know this was it when jason just "alright chill my name's red hood, that guy is nightwing, and that nerd is robin"

  4. I'm only 13 minutes in and I've decided I love this. This is the best the dialogue is hilarious and I'm loving every bit and also finding it so funny that Bruce is seemingly shorter than his sons from what I could see. This is so so funny I'm glad I found it

  5. I'm crying this makes me so happy. I'm 15 and I have had chronic debilitating lyme disease for 2 years and right now I'm in an period of emotional turmoil because the lyme cells are all dying in my brain. I've basically been angry and confused and sad for the past 2 months and this. This musical just helped so much you guys have no idea. I love them so much and they love eachother and they're so funny and you guys are so talented and it just makes me feel like a person again!! And you have steph and babs and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! You guys deserve so much and this play is so amazing and you guys should be so proud of the quality and the work you put in!! Thank you so much for creating this piece of art that's helping me keep afloat. <3333333

  6. HELLO I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE THIS MUSICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was amazing and wonderful and I experienced every emotion in the world and the songs were so good and so were the characters and every single thing about it was magical and lovely and I couldn't stop screaming at any part!!!! Thank you to everyone who made it and also for putting it on youtube!!!

  7. I had to pause after Jason said 'Alright enough with the angst, Tim has enough for all of us' ( 2:43:17 ) I was crying with laughterπŸ˜‚ So accurate, it hurtsπŸ˜‚

    p.s. This musical was amazing! I'm so glad I found the promo stuff on Tumblr (from stalking Tim Drake and Batfam hashtags * hides *) πŸ˜ƒ

  8. Song list!
    Look Above: 00:01:30

    Robin’s Call 00:16:09

    Birds and Bats 00:24:42

    Stephanie Brown 00:33:42

    Reflection 00:38:35

    Fight for Your Life 00:45:05

    Oh Wow 01:05:38

    Fucked Up Sons Club 01:15:09

    Act 1 Finale 01:31:20

    Three Bats in Gotham 01:35:04

    Waiting 01:47:14

    Delphi’s Prodigy 01:52:33

    Everybody’s Fighting 01:59:03

    Save the Day 02:15:16

    Check Yes 02:27:51

    Reflection (Reprise) 02:32:21

    Look Above (Reprise) 02:40:59

    Heroes Are Everywhere 02:46:51

  9. THIS WAS AMAZING! Thank you all so much for all the time and effort you put into making this! Wish I coulda seen it live but I live in Asia haha. You all did so great and really brought the characters to life and JUST WOW. I love how you all really reflected (pun intended) the fandom and the family aspect! And the fact that you guys had such a small cast for a 2 hour show with a lot of charactersβ€”like really good job. I was in a theatre production once, we were like 30 people and it was only maybe an hour and thirty and that had already gotten me tired. The amount of roles each of you had and the amount of times you had to change costume (this is the most stressful part of theatre to me tbh) is just wow. I APPLAUD.Β 

    And really really, like extra kudos to your Steph, Damian (omg you sing so well), and Jason (ATTITUDE ON POINT)! I think you guys did really great! Before this Steph wasn’t exactly one of my faves BUT NOW SHE IS CLIMBING THE FAVORITE LATTER THANKS. AND I LOVE HOW TIM WAS LIKE SUPER NERDY. IT WAS ADORABLE.Β 

    Ok and also, I loved the first half (fave song is definitely Steph’s Badass is a State of Mind one) BUT THEN OPENING SCENE OF THE SECOND HALF LEGIT BLEW ME AWAY. I was like β€œDANG FAM WE IN FOR AN EVEN BETTER SECOND HALF HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?”

    Also also I love how resourceful you guys are with the costumes! They are super cute and I love them.Β 

    I just really wanna say thank you! I’ve been going through a very confusing time and this was a nice breather from it! If I could draw fanart to show my appreciation I would but I can’t art (lol), so please know that I really really loved this! Thank you guys so much!

  10. OK, uuum … I love it ? As I'm French, it's hard for me to fully understand but I really love it and it's impressive and PLEASE SOMEONE PUT THE SUBTITLES ! I WOULD EVEN TRANSLATE IT IN FRENCH SO MORE PEOPLES COULD WATCH IT TOO !!! PLEEEAAASE I NEED IT 😭😭😭
    Anyway, you guys are soo talented and I'm crying and I love you SO MUCH for this so THANK YOU

  11. Ahhhhhhh this is so good I'm in love. Legally a musical isn't allowed to make me cry in the first act so you're under arrest for that song with Dick and Damian. I feel the love for Stephanie Brown in this chili's tonight and honestly, that's the best part. Thank you so much for blessing my life.

  12. Best parts:
    1) all of it
    2) "goodness gracious I've been bamboozled"
    3) the green lantern oath
    4) Jason in general
    5)Steph is a fangirl
    6) Puppy!Dick
    7) "I'm so sad all the time, and I mask it with anger"
    8) "Enough with the angst, Tim has enough for all of us"
    9) "Are we going to snoop?" "Oh, absolutely."
    10) "I shot the doorknob."

    (is there a way I can download the soundtrack?)

  13. This is amazing, i feel so happy right now. You guys put a lot of heart into this and it shows.

    Have you considered releasing recordings of the songs without the stage noise at some point?

  14. Jason's part in 'Everybody's Fighting' breaks my heart a little every time I hear it. The emotionally charged fight, the way he pauses slightly before repeating the words "not me" makes me think he intended to say something else; the line before that "That's the father you're looking for?" makes me think that the next line was supposed to rhyme. It seems as though "That's the father you're looking for? That's the person you want to be so bad. Well, not me, not anymore" was the original thing Jason intended to say.

    (I realize that the play was written how it was performed. This is me doing some in-universe over-analyzing and character analysis.)

  15. Okay so just, Steph babe I love you but you are singing a song where you repeat your name over and over while in your spoiler uniform I’m just sayin’ maybe not the best idea??

  16. 2 minutes in only Alfred and Bruce have appeared I LOVE THIS SOOO MUCH
    SONG STARTS WITH JAY DICK AND TIM AHHHHHH THIS IS WONDERFUL
    DAMI COMES AND IS HIMSELF ™ AND JAY IS A GOOD BRO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    ALL THE 4TH WALL BREAKS YOU MISSED THE INTRO… IM RED HOOD THST GUYS NIGHTWING AND THE NERD IS ROBIN ~~ IS THIS WHERE YOU BREAK OUT INTO SONG?

    I'm 15 MINUTES IN AND THIS IS THE *BEST THING IVE EVER SEEN!!!*🀩🀩🀩🀩β™₯️❀️β™₯️❀️β™₯️❀️β™₯️❀️β™₯️❀️🀩🀩🀩🀩

  17. I LOVE THIS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FIT IN DAMIS ORIGIN, BATTLE FOR THE COWL, BABS BECOMING ORACLE, STEPH'S ORIGINS AND THEN BECOMING BATGIRL, TIM THINKING BRUCE WAS ALIVE PLUS DICK JAY AND TIMS BACKSTORIES AS WELL IM SO IMPRESSED AT HOW YOU MANAGED TO FIT IN SO MUCH CONTENT, BUT YOU DIDNT MAKE IT CONVOLUTED AND MADE ME CRAVE FOR MORE!!!!

    I THINK YOU PORTRAYED EVERYONE CRAZY WELL!!!! I ESPECIALLY LOVED THAT YOU MADE JAY MORE FRIENDLIER AND BROTHERISH TO EVERYONE BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON NO ONE LIKES TO WRITE JAY TO HAVE GOOD OR EVEN HEALTHY FAMILIAL BONDS !!

    THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS THAT I LOVED TO WRITE DOWN LEGIT I TRIED FOR THE FIRST 20 MINUTES BUT I KEPT PAUSING EVERY 30 / 40 SECONDS THE LIST WAS ALREADY SUPER LONG AND I FELT LIKE I COULD IT REALLY EXPERIENCE PROPERLY SO I STOPPED

    I WILL NEVER NOT LOVE EVERYONE TEASING EVERYONE (ESPECIALLY DICK (ABOUT HIS NAME))

    I LOVE THIS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUCCCCCHHHHHHHHH AND I STAN YOU GUYS FOREVER THIS IS NOW MY FAVORITE MUSICAL AND I WAS IN THEATRE FOR 3 YEARS (ALSO DID YOU GUYS WRITE EVERYTHING YOURSELF BECAUSE THOSE SONGSSSSSS!!!! 9999999999999999/10 WOULD DEFINITELY RECOMMEND AND I DID I GOT MY ROOMMATE FOR WATCH SOME OF THE SONGS WITH MEπŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

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