Connor Malbeuf Stand-Up: Family Ancestry, Baseball & Sexual Consent (Full Show)


Hi guys, how’s everybody doing?! Thank you for being here tonight. You guys are awfully close to my face. Oh my gosh, this is so much fun. There’s a lot of people you could be having
sex with tonight, but you chose to do it with us. So thank you. Thank you to Sarah and Caitlin and Chanse
and Farida and Avery. Did I miss anyone? Thank you to Flutter. Thank you for being
here. There’s a lot of phones in the air folks,
let’s lower them. I’m just kidding. I actually — tag me @ConnorMalbeuf. Um, I’m so excited to be here. I just want to set the record straight though,
right off the bat. There’s going to be a lot of gay jokes. I
didn’t think straight people were coming. There’s not many of you there, but there’s
some. Be aware. There’s going to be a lot of gay
jokes. But I had to sit through four years of health class learning about vaginas. So you can sit through 20 minutes of gay jokes. Four f**king years, guys. I know more about
vaginas than the constitution. No seriously. I don’t even know how to do my taxes, but
I know the inside of a female’s body part … that I only explored once. Yeah — and I never need to do that again. That’s time I’ll never get back. Brittany – if you are out there f**k you. Especially because girls in high school didn’t
realize they could shave. You should have. You should have. Cause I had to endeavor into
that. It was a lot. It was a lot. As you grow up as a gay guy, and you have
straight friends, they always say “no homo.” As if it is some sort of indicator that they
getting a little emasculated. “I love Lacroix, but no homo” “I love ya dude, but no homo” “I really wanna bang my girl in the ass, no
homo” And it’s like, no that’s pretty homo. Straight guys! You want it in the butt just
as much as we do. Except we will give it to you. Yeah, your straight girlfriend’s not going
to do that to you. She doesn’t really want that. And a lot of people ask me,
“What kind of gay are you?” I don’t know…the one that sucks dick. I’m not sucking vaginas. That’s definitely
not happening. I don’t want that bayou swamp. And that’s me saying that politely. Yeah,
yeah, seriously. I always wonder — ok well what kind of gay
am I? I’m not a bear, obviously. I’m like that in-between of super gay sometimes,
not gay sometimes. Like I’m not Anderson Cooper, but I’m not Boy George. And I’m not Ricky Martin, but I’m not Shawn
Mendes. I mean, guys. Come on. It’s gunna happen,
right? Like I do have a thing for closeted pop stars. I really do. Does anyone else? Notice how I am doing this with the microphone
the entire time? Donald Trump — Are we going to impeach him
already? Like when’s it going to happen? Does anyone want Donald Trump impeached? Come on! Yeah! But I always wonder what would Donald Trump
listen to on his iPhone? I always wonder… First of all, he probably doesn’t even have
an iPhone. He probably has an android. I don’t trust those people. You know when you get a green text and you
think you’re being hacked? You’re like what’s happening? You’re like
what’s happening? Seriously, I always wonder what is he listening
to? I feel like he listens to the Amazon forest
just burning on loop. He’s’ like “mmmmm peaceful.” I love that. I love that song so much. I definitely think he listens to Russia’s
national anthem. “GAHHH” I don’t actually know how that goes. But I do, I think, I did listen to it briefly
on my phone and it was like very motivating. You’re like “this is kind of great.” If you’re ever bored and want to listen to
the Russian national anthem, you’ll be surprised with yourself. It’s kind of motivating. Like
it’s a great cardio song. Really good cardio song. Like for a second, I turned straight when
I listened to it. I was like “I want a Dodge ram now!!” No I don’t. No I don’t. My cat listened to it, and she turned into
a Siberian tiger. She was like “rawr.” No but I think he listens to that U2 album
that just magically appeared on our phones because if there’s something Donald Trump
loves it’s people that don’t ask for consent. He did that, remember? Yeah, he did that. Yeah, she’s like “oh I voted for him” I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding. I mean women in America did let us down. White Women in America, I’m just saying. Um, no, but as you do know, I’m very, very
gay and a lot of people are like, “well, how gay are you?” well, I’m like, this is how I put it in perspective. I can change a flat tire…but I might be
late to brunch doing it. I go to the gym… but I got to go to the
steam room. And you take that as you please. I have an iPhone but of course it’s rose gold. I drink water but of course it’s Lacroix.
Pamplemousse. Pamplemousse, that’s the key indicator there. And I go to baseball games, but I do it with
a dick in my mouth. Also, can we have a conversation that baseball
is the gayest sport that ever lived? And I think we need to reclaim it for our own. Seriously — think about it. Think about it
for a second. Men with tight pants. Ankles exposed. Big asses. All-day they play with balls. All-day. They hold a large piece of wood. It’s just guys. Sometimes they wear jockstraps. There are occasionally drunk straight girls
in the crowd that shouldn’t be there. You know the ones ay Pride, they’re like “we’re
an ally!!!” And we’re like, “f**k you, get the f**k outta
here.” This is not your party. You can go down the
street. You can go to Arbys and go f**k yourself. No seriously, it’s the gayest thing ever.
And there’s parades, everyone’s color-coordinated. Like seriously, gay guys in the room, we need
to like reclaim baseball for our own. This guy’s like “come on!” I know nothing about baseball other than those
facts, but we need it for ourselves. I mean, it’s the least we could get for f**k’s sake. We can’t even get swimming anymore, and speedos
were ours. But I always think gays get away with a lot
more than straight people. But in retrospect, I went to this thing last
night called B.D.T. Does anyone know what B.D.T is? He’s like “yes” You looked down. Well B.D.T stands for Big
Dick Thursdays. He’s like “I go every motherf*****g night
b**ch” Suck a cock! No, B.D.T — Big Dick Thursdays. So basically,
you walk into Fubar. They take a photo of your penis, they put it on the wall and if
your’s is the biggest cock of the night you win a thousand bucks. You’re like, “I need to go to this” He’s like, “How do I get invited? Is this
at the Grove?” “Did I miss this?” “Was this at the Cheesecake factory? Cause
I love a big dick and a cheesecake.” Extra cherry on the top. Seriously, Big Dick Thursday’s, this is f***king
insane. This would never happen in the straight world. Like imagine if for women, what would it be? Like, “tight pussy Wednesday?” That’d be really gross. Like imagine the bouncer
saying, “Welcome to tight pussy Wednesday” Like a voice of God. Welcome! As if all bouncers
sound like that. “Welcome to tight pussy Wednesday! Vagina’s
up ladies!” And they just put it on the wall. That would
be pretty gross, that would be like a wall of black holes. The Amazon forest if they’re not shaving that
week. Seriously, that would be both an anatomy lesson
and an astronomy lesson. It would be a lot of things. And I know a lot of things about lessons because
last week I went on Ancestry.com and I learned a little bit about my last name and what it
meant. For those who know, my last name is Malbeuf
— which from French to English means diseased cattle. Super hot, right? It’s actually so good. Because my last name
is so bad I now fall under the diversity hire category. Yeah, it’s working really great for me. Seriously, people feel really bad when you
have a bad last name. They’re like “oh…so sad. You must have had a rough childhood.” “No, it was pretty good” They’re like, “Here’s a candy cane.” I’m like, “no, I had a pretty good childhood.” They’re like, “no you didn’t.” But I go on Ancestry.com cause someone told
me they’re like your last name relates to what your like far, far ancestors did in the
past. I was like what the f**k were my — Malbeuf. Like did we have something against meatloaf? Were we f**king Shia Labeouf’s ancestors? Hot. I wish. If I’m related to Shia Labeouf in any capacity,
sign me up. He also like suddenly transformed from like
a maniac to like a hot maniac recently and I am so into it. I saw him on the street the other day wearing
AirPods. And I was like “I have AirPods too!” So I go on Ancestry.com and I find a little
bit of information about my past and you’re in for a treat. So I go on the website and his name is Jean-Paul
Brebeuf. So him and his cute little family they raise cows on like a little riverside
town outside of France. It’s super cute. Him and like his wife, and
his two kids. And then they have a little butcher and then
they sell the meat from the cow to the entire village. And then you keep scrolling and it turns out
we poisoned and killed the entire town. So Brebeuf became Malbeuf. And I was like this makes sense. So, we killed
the entire town and gave them all mad cow disease. Great. Then they killed half of my family and then
exiled the rest to Canada and changed it from Brebeuf to Malbeuf. And now we are the diseased cattle family. So, cheers to us. Cheers to us. So I’m kind of in a panic and I call my mom. “Mom tell me our, like your side of the family,
is something better.” She like, “no, not really” What do you mean? What did your side of the family do? “Well, my great-great Ancestor he was a carriage
driver in Ireland. And he was a drunk. And he killed a wife and her three kids.” I was like “Oh f**k” But then I was like, we were the original
DUI? Kind of. Like Khloe Kardashian took from my
family? B***h, where are my f***king royalties for
this shit? My family was the trendsetter for the DUI.
Like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, they all owe me a lot of money. It’s been pretty insane. I’ve been in LA an
entire year now. Yeah, thank you. An entire motherf***king year. But it’s kind of crazy. I still remember my first job in L.A. we got
a whole lecture about consent. *Sound from crowd* Who was that? He’s like “what’s that?” What’s that word? Well, consent means you shouldn’t be putting
your dick in someone it shouldn’t go. Human or not! That got really weird. And, so basically we had this whole thing
about consent at the workplace. Which I think is great. You shouldn’t be putting your dick
where it shouldn’t go. No means no. I think it’s fairly self-explanatory. But this guy comes in to teach us all how
to approach someone if you want to have sex with them…at the bar. Well, this is a little weird for work let’s
just start off like that. But I’m not going to argue cause it’s a free
lunch and I love Sweetgreen. But, what happens is, what happens is He comes up on stage and goes, “I’m going
to teach you guys how to ask for consent so you know you’re good to go and you won’t get
sued in the future.” I said “great.” But first off, I think it’s very clear. I
don’t think we need to ask explicitly when were gunna have sex with someone. Like no means no. If I run away from you,
it also means no. If you have a mullet, it means no.
If you’re wearing a muscle tee-shirt and you don’t have muscles, it’s a no.
Yeah, if you’re wearing a superhero shirt, it’s a no. Sorry I’m just like naming my standards at
this point. You know what I mean? He comes up on stage and is like “okay guys,
so what you’re gunna do is you are going to look the person in the eye that you’re in
love with and you’re going to say, “hey beautiful, do I have consent to penetrate
you?” I was like “what the f**k” If someone said that to me, I would run away
so goddamn fast. Like faster than Lindsay Lohan’s career. Just like really fast. Really god damn fast. But seriously, it’s like crazy. I’ve been in L.A. this. Like I’ve been here
an entire f***king year and I’ve seen some shit. First off, I haven’t got Chlamydia or
a parking ticket. Which I think is like the omen of Los Angeles. If you got a parking ticket, if you passed
that whole probation period. No Chlamydia, no herpes, and no parking ticket. Thank you
very much! I did get pulled over the other day — I was
in the carpool lane and it was only me in the car. He pulls me over and he goes “sir,
there’s only one person in the car.” I was like, “rude. I’m on a conference call
b**h. Six people are on this motherf***king line, so really jokes on you.” Yeah, he didn’t like that very much. He didn’t like that very much. I did get a four-hundred dollar parking ticket.
Four hundred dollars!!! He’s like, “you could get a Tesla.” I was like, “do you know what I do for a living?” That’s not gonna happen. That’s not gonna
happen. But seriously, oh my god. There’s so much. I mean, first of all, I still
can’t even believe I get told I look like Shawn Mendes every day. Every single day I get told that. They’re like “hey you look like Shawn Mendes
but the Walmart version!” Thank you. I love Walmart. Smart and save. No, I find it weird when I get told I look
like Shawn Mendes because I have this fascination with this term Dopplebanger. It’s when you
only have sex with people that look identical to yourself. I also find it weird when someone says I look
like Shawn Mendes because I literally masturbate to him. So am I masturbated to myself at this point?
Should I just? That’s just f***king weird. But no a lot of people say “you look like
Shawn Mendes” I once got “You look like Shawn Mendes but
the Ebay version.” I was like, “Ebay doesn’t even f***king exist
anymore that’s rude” And then, my favorite one is “you look like
Shawn Mendes but the PornHub version.” And to that, I say “thank you.” Also, I can’t believe people pay for porn.
They pay for it. And this kind of goes back to the idea that
my iTunes and stuff is like still linked to my dad. So it would be very awkward if he just goes,
“Hey Connor, what’s like Wild Wild Deep Down Under?” Like what is that? I’m not sure. I think it’s a movie with Woody
Harrelson. I really don’t know. But seriously, people pay for it. They also
pay for dating apps. Grindr is $19.99 a month. For Premium. To get Herpes. Like you’re paying to get herpes. I could get HBO and Hulu for that price and
they will not give me herpes. Seriously, I think we need to re-evaluate this entire thing,
guys. If you’re paying for it, we got a major problem.
Major problem. Has anyone ever been ghosted in this city? *woo* That’s so sad. That was like the saddest clap. They’re like, “yes I still don’t know why.
He uh — ” Yeah, that’s it. That’s it. Why were you ghosted? Do you know? *I told her I was a comedian* He said, I told her I was a comedian. Yeah,
that’ll do it. That’ll do it. That’ll do it. What can ya do? But yeah, I got ghosted in the city and I
find it really strange because there’s not many places gay guys can go without seeing our exes. Like seriously, my friend was like “just avoid
him” I was like you can’t just avoid him. Gay guys in the city go to the same five places. The Mariah Carey, the Christina Aguilera,
the Britney Spears, the Robyn, and the Carly Rae Jepsen concert. Seriously, where else are we supposed to go? Like you can’t even go to Starbucks and get
a croissant in peace without seeing the guy who ghosted you. It’s true, it f***king true. Actually, I think there’s one place you can
go. And that’s the baseball diamond. Cause that’s ours now gays! Guys, thank you so much for being here. My
name is Connor Malbeuf. Thank you to Sarah, and Caitlin and Farida and Avery and Chanse.
Thank you to Flutter. Thank you for donating money. Part of the proceeds are going to LA LGBT
Center. God knows they tested you a hundred times, so let’s give back. Thank you very much for coming!

12 thoughts on “Connor Malbeuf Stand-Up: Family Ancestry, Baseball & Sexual Consent (Full Show)

  1. In this twenty-minute special, Connor Malbeuf discusses consent, baseball, being ghosted, and what it was like being in health class as a young gay guy. Plus, what weird secret he found on Ancestry.com. SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2Fx1UEc | Follow me on Instagram: https://bit.ly/2JCTwr1

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