Uh… *clears throat* *taps mic*
Is this thing recording? Oh, okay, uh… Entry number one… March 21 Uh… Dear Baseball Boy, Hey! *snorts* I was about to say “it’s me,” but uhm… I don’t really want you to know who I am. Uh… You used to respond to my texts, but now you leave me on read, I mean like –– I know you’re not exactly the talkative type and that you said you… …that you said that you just reply [with] texts that are relatively short to everyone, that I’m not bothering you, but uhm… I-I guess – I guess I really worry sometimes? Like… After we got back from the France trip, uhm, over time we’ve been talking less and less IRL or through text. And, uh… I’m – I’m kinda worried, y’know? You even said we’re friends, and yet I’m… *laughs* worried. Do you remember, uh, back in fifth grade? Don’t know if you do, uhm… I remember I told, uh…let’s call him Lad, yeah, that’s – that’s probably good enough, uh… I remember when I told Lad that elementary school is how we know each other. *snorts*
I, uh, saw how he glanced at you, and there was a pause, you, uh… *struggling to speak properly* I guess you kinda just forgot that we went to the same elementary school or [the] same class. I mean, over the past six years I’ve kind of been afraid you forgot about me. We talked a tiny bit in, like, eighth grade, but basically didn’t see each other after that. When tried talking to you back in, like, tenth grade, you did that thing where you kinda give this… …fake, polite smile and turn your head real fast when someone talks to you and they don’t know you? You didn’t remember me, I’m pretty sure. I’d be shocked if you did, I’m not really the most memorable person. Uh… Heh. I think, uh, that night I kind of…kind of figured that Lad may have forgotten me. Uhm…well, not really forgotten me, but he kind of forgot we were in the same eighth grade official class too, But, uh… I do kinda tend to remember the most random shit. Do you remember the, the US map quizzes? Back in, uh…back in fifth grade. We used to…compete and see who could finish and slam the sheet in the middle of the table fastest. *laugh* I mean, I – I won most of those, but it was fun. I don’t know if you remember the…oh, God, I don’t know if you remember the paper flower, uh… In your desk either, but that was me. *laughing*
Don’t think I’ve actually said this part out loud to anybody. I did some pretty stupid stuff in fifth grade, like…yeah. I mean, I already had my best friends at the time, uhm… Jack and Red I guess are probably good enough names for them Everyone thought I liked Jack? Like, crush-wise, but I, I didn’t? *chuckles* I never did, I guess he actually also kinda thought that too. I already had friends and people I knew and talked to and everything, but uhm… And I’m – I’m sure you probably don’t really know Simon, Prolly don’t remember, er, or if you even met him or anything, but uh, he was one of them. But I – I really wanted to be…your friend, and I, uh…still do. I mean, there’s, uh, more to that, but I’m, I’m… I’m pretty sure you’d never see me the same way. I rely pretty heavily on someone physically being there for me to remember how much they mean to me, That’s why, like…the crush I had back in fifth grade, uh…didn’t really come back until the France trip. In, in junior year. Which is this year. Passively, I’ve – I’ve liked you for the six years I’ve known you, but didn’t really think about it for four of them, Just because of how little we saw each other. We talked exactly twice in the middle school we went to before our high school. *laughs* I – I didn’t even know you went to the same high school, uhm, ’till like, our second year there. But I guess, uh…guess I just, uh…I didn’t even talk to you. I saw you at the interest meeting for the France trip with those glasses and everything, and it… It started, somewhat coming back? I mean, I – I started talking to Lad again for the first time in, two or three years, because we, uh, we, uh… Second semester, we had phys ed together. And I – I felt…happy to know two people I wanted to get to know better were going on the trip too. And somewhat familiar faces, I guess.
*sighs* Yeah, I, I remember when we like, when we got to the airport, right? Like, all you had to do at the airport was… Walk over to me with Lad, and I…kinda froze. I mean, I, I guess I kind of tried to pretend I didn’t see you? But uh, I did. You greeted me, and I kinda…didn’t know what to do. I mean, throughout the entire thing, I like, actively looked for you among all the crowds of passengers –– –– going through security or, when we were waiting for the…the plane to board. You sat, uh, three seats to my right on the ride there, I remember that, you – I was, uhm… In the window seat, uh, in – in the, uh…far – leftmost aisle, And you were in like that middle column area I think, and, uh… And you still smile politely when you think someone’s trying to talk to you. I, uh…I think? I mean, actually, actually, I – now that I think about it, I don’t actually know, I, it’s… [It] just seems like something you’d do, and that’s just kinda how you talk to me so far. *sniffs* I mean like, I mean, honestly, crush aside, I, I do actually, like, like you *laughing*
None of my other friends, uhm…uh, the ones in my friend circle at least, share…seem –– –– to think the same thing, though, like, I mean… One of them is okay with you because they were in your seventh grade official class, But otherwise you’re seen as a white, jock, douchebag?
*laughs* And honestly, I hate to say it, but I can’t…blame them. There’s, such a thing as painfully white.
*snorts* Uhm, not to place, uh, labels, or, anything, uhm… I’m gonna stop talking about that, now it’s just getting uncomfortable. Yeah, uh… I can’t really blame them for seeing you as a jerk, you’re kind of… Not…very kind, friendly, or nice to my, my best friend back, uh, back when we were all back in ninth grade. I didn’t really see her that much that year. And, uh… So I guess that’s a bit of distaste I’ve got for you, but honestly, I could never see you as that? Like, an asshole? Not right now at least, I mean, I’ve never really…given you a reason to be a jerk to me or anything, Not that – Not that I, uhm…not that I know of, at least, So I don’t think I’ve ever really seen you being a total ass to anybody. I’ve heard some bad things, like some girl who confessed to you, And supposedly you and your friend group were kinda, like, cold and harsh to her after that point? Uh, the one who told me that story called you manipulative, I think. And a ferret. But uh, heh, I wouldn’t be too surprised if you were, like… If you were like that, but uh…the more I think about what I know about you, Or think I know about you at least, the less I feel like it’s possible. I dunno. Because basically everyone I know and especially my friend group don’t seem to like you very much.
*laughs* Uh, maybe it’s because I’ve kind of known you for six years and I’m kind of just used to it. Like, your lack of self-awareness, [how] judgemental you really can be… How, like…you’re blunt and pretty honest, like it doesn’t really help that much, especially given, like, you… [You] tend to speak without thinking in some cases, I don’t really know. You’ve kind of always been like that, though, I mean… Like, generally separating yourself, kind of being reserved. That’s, uh… That’s just kind of always how you’ve been Honestly though, I don’t mind it too much, I mean, you’ve got –– –– your pride and self-image, and friends to fit in with, personal standards to meet, stuff like that. It’s also just your personality. I mean, you’ve always kinda been reserved, and separate, and… Well, *sighs* Yeah, I think I’ll get to [that in] the next en-entry. Then I can really creep you out with the stuff I’ve noticed. For now, this is getting kind of long, though, so I’ll sign it off. Uhm… Bye, Baseball Boy.