MERO: Oh, goddamn. I just exhausted my entire– DESUS: How– that’s how
you can tell a wash. Look at– now we’re
breathing heavy. You would think we just
ran a full– like– What did I do? I’m about to ice down
my knees, like, yo. Hold on, hold on. I need an ice bath. Goddamn. I gotta do, like– I gotta do load
management, and shit. Like, yo I can’t– I can’t be on one of
these episodes, dog. DNP. Producer’s decision. You know what I’m saying?
– Think about it. Oh, Desus is not on
the Monday episode. He’s on the injured reserve. We have Alex filling in. First topic, porn. We have to stop
the Alex slander. No.
Is that slander? Alex, have we
ruined your life? OK. Just– good to know that. Good to know that. This is a sex positive show. Yeah, sex positive. OK, there’s a difference
between sex positive and sex all the time. OK? As my parents’
text messages say. They have to, like– the Spanish guy is always sexy. I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yo– but just let them know. Be like, yo, all my children. Naw. Naw, that’s not– listne– They did not come
out of wedlock. You know what I’m saying? I’m walking the Lord’s path. True, true, but– You know what I’m saying?
I do some things. That was also– everyone
was like, yo, Mero, all his kids got the same mother? I was like, that’s
not that hard. Is that hard? We are from the
Bronx, though, so– He got four kids?
How many baby mamas? That’s, like, the
follow up question. It’s like, 1A, 1B. That’s, like, the triple
stakes in the Bronx. Like– Oh, you got one? And y’all married married? They gonna put you
in Monument Park. Yankees stadium. Right next to Babe Ruth. Like, yo– Married father of four. Wow. Lasted more than a decade. Let’s go. The sultan of sperm. All right, we back
on the sex shit. Sorry, guys. Sorry, Mom. Yo. You know what I’m saying? But it’s good sex. It’s not, like, nasty. Like, yo, spit in my mouth. It’s like, yo, we’re
talking about, you know– what they would like to hear.
You know, procreation. Well, you just talking
about spitting in mouths. I did. Damn. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But not like– not,
like, in a literal sense. Like, you know what I’m saying? Like, you know when you say– Shit. Uh– damn, you put me
on the spot right now. But, uh– it’s kind of like
when you want to, like, invite a nice woman– you know what I’m saying? Yeah. You know? Definitely. Definitely. Big story? What’s the big story? You’re– You know
what I’m saying? Yeah.
– Oh, shit. Desus is Bajan. That’s right. Desus at the Nets game. That’s right. – Bajan Desus.
– Yeah, go ahead. Boo me. Boo me!
– OK, give it to him. Give it to him.
Give it to him. Give it to him. Boo! Boo! Boo! This is Desus’ heel turn. You know what I’m saying? Where he goes from
Hulk Hogan to, like, NWO. Yeah. I’m like, suck it. Yeah! Listen– Wolf pack! Who am I to turn down free
chicken wings and beer, OK? That’s true. Look, I don’t have
on any Nets gear. I’m just there. I’m just– it’s like, if
I went to a synagogue. I’m just chilling. I’m like, oh, y’all praying?
All right. I’m here.
– All right, fuck it, y’all. I’m gonna rock it.
– I know. Yo. People act like I got on the
court and played for the Nets. You know, it’s become so
ubiquitous with the Knicks that motherfuckers get
really disappointed– OK. So don’t be on the Jumbotron
at Madison Square Garden, dog. Also, the whole Barbados thing. Like, I guess I’m Bajan now. Like– That’s it, bro. Listen, Jamaica took Rihanna,
so I guess they got me. There you go. And cash considerations. Listen, someone cook
me some flying fish. I don’t know. You know what I mean? Your voice gotta be a
little more melodic. A little more sing songy? – Sing songy?
– Oh, lordy. FEMALE SPEAKER: The game?
– Huh? I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. I was on the phone, tweeting. What, I’ma root for the
Nets, or root against– OK, you can’t root
for the Nets cause I’m a Knicks fan till I die. Can’t root against the Nets,
because I’m at Barclays Center, and I don’t want to get jumped. You can’t be like,
yeah, Pelicans! Imagine– imagine that. Stand up and be
like, go Pelicans! Yeah. Like, I was, like, just
a miserable Knicks fan. And at the end I was
like, oh, wow, they won. This is what that feels like? Oh, wow. You know what
I’m talking about. Come on, bro.
Come on, bro. And the food there is amazing. Like– The food, I had
chicken wings, I had– cotton candy. French fries. Oh, so you were high high. I was high. This nigga had chicken
wings, cotton candy, and– I was like, oh, yeah. Bro, I spent a full
quarter at the buffet. They was like, sir,
you can’t come back till the whistle gets blown. I was like, that’s
not even a problem. You thought– Yeah. Yo, I mean, you could
get it on a stick, but if you’re really
smacked, they’ll let you put your arm in it. Yeah. Just spin around, like– I was like, ah! I was like, DeAndre
Jordan, go for the three! Yeah. High five Kyrie and shit, like– Yo. See? Sticky hands. Trying to tell that
God in the building. Oh, man. That’s, like, front
row at Barclays Center. Shout out to them for paying– I was up there, but
shout out to them for paying homage by doing
the tweet in all caps. You know what I’m saying? Also, if you zoom in,
Bernie Sanders was behind us. He took the Dodgers from
us, so we got the Nets. I was like, hey.
I was like, Uncle Bernie! Yo.
– Yo. Oh, man. He’s been to a Nets game. We’ve been to Nets games. That’s the other thing. People were on– people
were livid on my Instagram. I was like, if you just scroll
back a couple of months, I’ve been to many Nets games. But now y’all care? When it was the New Jersey
Nets, I went on a class trip there. And they gave out,
like, replica Jason Kidd jerseys to all the kids. I was like, damn, this is sad. I was like, I wear
this shit to like, fucking do car mechanic
shit in front of my friends. Yeah. That’s how bad the Nets were. They were like, yo,
please fill these seats! Bring all 45 children
in the class, and just sit them–
we’ll give them jerseys, we’ll give them food. Please, just somebody come to
New Jersey to watch basketball. They were desperate. So we went. But as far as Barclays,
we went to the draft. But I haven’t been
to, like, a game game. Yes. There he is. There he goes. Mr. Whammy. He was just yelling. He’s yelling at the– I was trying to smack so I
wouldnt be talking to people. Wouldn’t be my first
time getting canceled, so– Did he mistake you for
somebody else famous, like– is it– No. He didn’t know. Am I canceled? Yeah? What does that mean? Like, I can’t go
outside anymore, or– FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah.
You’ll get– I don’t even know
what that means. Can we– can we decide
right now, as a group, like, what does that mean? When you get canceled,
what does that mean? You can’t go outside? You can’t go to
the grocery store? You have to seamless
everything– No. Like, if you get
canceled and you tweet, like, everyone gets in
your mentions, like– Like, ah! Drag him, drag him! Ah!
Memes! – So–
– I think it means you also. Mrrrrremes! Mrrrrremes! [LAUGHTER] Yeah.
True. Yeah. Yeah. Scary. Whoa. Controversy.
Click down, it’s like this– How many times y’all be in
the barbershop and they be like, yo, I looked at
your Wikipedia page? Have to do some
edits, youngblood. That’s right. [LAUGHTER] Yo. Hey! Yo, how we doing,
no nut November? All right?
We still doing it? We still going strong? Who– who no longer–
who is no longer involved in no nut November? Listen, let’s keep it funky. No. I’m no longer involved. Yeah. I’m not allowed
to be involved. I wasn’t even involved– I haven’t been
involved since October. I was like, this is not– this is not an autonomous
decision for me. Yeah. You know what I’m saying? Is Heather wants
the dick, dude– I’m saying– She gonna take it. Yeah. There goes that
text from my mother. Yep. Yep. Yep, yep, yep, Yep. She’s like, come here!
Free women! Yeah! I just– I just finished it. Come in, sexy– mm. I’m like, how do I look sexy? I’m high as fuck,
I’m on the couch, I’m in basketball shorts. My penis is completely flaccid. How am I sexy right now? My shirt got a spaghetti
sauce stain on it. You know what I’m saying? I was like, yo– I was like, you think I’m sexy? I was like, oh– I was like, yeah, let’s
do some nasty shit. [LAUGHTER] But no nut November’s
not up to me. That’s the bottom line. You know what I’m saying? Actually, it is. A little thing called consent. Well, there is. There is. That’s true. But there’s also,
you know, compromise. You know what I’m saying? You have to compromise
in a marriage. Mike, help me out here. Can we not talk– He said– oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I like seeing Mike
around the office. I don’t want to think of Mike,
like, hunching on his wife, and shit. Now when I go into
a conference room, he gives me a piece
of paper, and now I’m just thinking of him
sweaty, like, yo, talk to daddy. Like– let that man live. You ruined Alex, and now Mike? Who’s next Josh? Come on! Leave our white people alone! I’m saying. Where’s my husbands at? Where’s husband gang? Let it be known. Yeah! You know what time it is. Is that what marriage is? Y’all wives are just– It’s like, give me that shit! Yo, it depends on– depends on, you know, the wife. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, this is a Dr.
Phil episode waiting. My god. FEMALE SPEAKER: Did you
say it depends on the– [LAUGHTER] Definitely. Definitely. Surviving Heather land. [LAUGHTER] But it’s like that
episode of “South Park” where they were, like– when he had sex
with the teacher, and he went to the police
and they were like, you had sex with the teacher?
Yeah! You know what I’m saying? I’m like– I mean, yeah. I was like, oh, you
want it that bad? Oh, shit. OK. That boy got some meat. Yeah.
Why not? Like– naw. Like, why do we– no. Naw. Like, we can’t show
this to my mother. Like– Like, sorry, y’all. We fucked up. We gotta do a– we
gotta do a PG version. Yeah, we’ll try
to get on Monday. [MUSIC PLAYING]