Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open – SNL


[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ PHONE DIALING ] [ RINGING ]
>>YELLO. IT’S DONALD TRUMP.
WHO THIS?>>IT’S MICHAEL COHEN.
GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.>>OH, HEY, WHAT’S UP, AMIGO.
HOW YOU HOLDING UP IN PRISON?>>I’M NOT IN PRISON.
>>OH, WELL, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
>>MR. TRUMP, WE’RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT OUR ALLUSION-CAY AND OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE-JAY.>>SORRY, I DON’T WANT SPEAK
SPANISH. WAIT, ARE YOU ON A SECURE LINE?
>>ABSOLUTELY. I DIALED STAR-86 BEFORE THE
NUMBER, SO IT’S COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE.
MR. TRUMP, I DON’T WANT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY ON THE STORMY DANIELS PAYMENT.
>>LOOK, LET’S GET RUDY GIULIANI ON THE PHONE.
HE’LL FIX THIS. HE’S GOT THE SHARPEST LEGAL MIND
SINCE “MY COUSIN VINNIE.”>>OKAY, BUT JUST TO BE SAFE,
LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON ONE OF MY BURNER PHONES.
>>WAIT, YOU KEPT THE BURNER PHONES?
THAT’S NOT GOOD. [ DIALING ]
[ RINGING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>YES, HELLO, THIS IS DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW ANY OF MY PATIENTS’ MEDICAL HISTORY?
>>HEY, MAN, I’M SORRY. I TRIED TO DIAL TRUMP, DONALD,
BUT I DIALED TRUMP DOCTOR.>>IS THIS YOU, MICHAEL COHEN?
MICHAEL, I’M GLAD YOU CALLED. SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY OFFICE AND
STOLE MY FILES. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS
RAPED!>>I DON’T THINK YOU CAN SAY
THAT.>>WELL, I ALREADY DID.
RAPED!>>ALL RIGHT.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?>>NO.
I’M — I’M BUSY LATER. I’M KIDDING.
I HAVE ZERO COMMITMENTS PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY.
BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO DRUGS, I CAN GET YOU ALL THE
DRUGS.>>ALL RIGHT.
I’LL CALL YOU BACK, HAROLD. GOOD-BYE.
>>ALL RIGHT. OKAY, I’LL JUST BE SITTING HERE
IN MY OFFICE, WHERE I LIVE. BYE!
[ DIALING ]>>HELLO?
>>HEY — RUDY? IS THAT YOU?
>>YES. THAT’S RIGHT.
IT’S ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>RUDY. RUDY GIULIANI, TRUMP’S LAWYER
AND HIS WORST NIGHTMARE.>>LOOK, RUDY, CAN WE SPEAK
FREELY? ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YEAH, YEAH, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALONE.
THIS IS A COMMERCIAL BREAK, RIGHT, TOOTS.
>>NO.>>OKAY, YEAH, WE’RE GOOD TO
TALK. WE’RE GOOD TO TALK.
>>ALL RIGHT. LET ME LOOP IN MR. TRUMP.
ALL RIGHT. IS EVERYONE ON?
>>YES.>>ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE JUST DECIDE ON ONE LIE AND STICK TO IT?
BECAUSE OUR STORIES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
>>GUYS, HOLD THAT THOUGHT. I’M GETTING A CALL FROM WORK.
>>MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.
DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THE STORMY DANIELS AFFAIR?
>>YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO.
>>OKAY, GOOD! JUST AS LONG AS WE’RE ON THE
SAME PAGE. I’M GOOD TO GO.
SEE YOU MONDAY.>>OKAY, I’M BACK.
>>HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CAN WE HURRY THIS UP.
I’M SUPPOSED TO DO 25 MORE TALK SHOW APPEARANCES TODAY AND I’M
TRYING TO MAKE IT LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR, YOU KNOW, WHERE I
REVEAL ONE NEW CRIME ON EACH SHOW, SO.
>>HEY, I’M GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
HANG ON.>>HELLO, MICHAEL?
IT’S MELANIA.>>OH, HEY, MELANIA!
I WAS JUST TALKING TO DONALD ABOUT —
>>OH, UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION
FOR A FRIEND OF MINE, OKAY? IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ACCUSED OF
CRIME, WOULD SHE HAVE TO TESTIFY AGAINST HIM?
>>NO.>>BUT COULD SHE?
IF SHE WANT TO?>>I GUESS SHE COULD.
>>OH, MY FRIEND WILL BE SO HAPPY.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.>>OKAY.
WAIT. WHICH PHONE WAS MR. TRUMP ON?
HELLO?>>YEAH, THIS IS OMAROSA AND I’M
STILL PISSED OFF!>>NOPE.
HELLO?>>HI, THERE, STRANGER.
WHAT’S YOUR NAME?>>MIKE PENCE?
>>WHO IS THIS? I WAS TOLD THIS WAS A PARTY LINE
WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.>>I — I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.
>>UH –>>HELLO?
>>YES, THIS IS IVANKA AND JARED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HI.
HI. HELLO.
>>MICHAEL, DID WE HEAR GIULIANI CALL JARED “DISPOSABLE” ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION? BECAUSE JARED IS FURIOUS.
>>YEAH, MAN, I’M LIKE WHAT THE HELL, I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME. I COULD CUT A BITCH.
DON’T EVEN TRY TO COVER FOR ME, OKAY?
>>YOU KNOW, IVANKA, YOUR DAD WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT
YOU, BUT IF HE NEEDS TO, HE WOULD THROW JARED UNDER THE BUS
IN A HEARTBEAT.>>WHAT’D HE SAY?
>>HE SAID YOU’RE FINE.>>YOU KNOW, I’LL TALK TO YOU
LATER.>>MR. TRUMP?
>>WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, MICHAEL?
I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT ON HOLD.
I’M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING WITH MY NEW CHIEF STRATEGIST, KANYE
WEST.>>THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO?>>CALL UP STORMY DANIELS AND
FIX THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. MAYBE KEEP ME ON THE PHONE, TOO.
I’LL JUST BE QUIET AND LISTEN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>MICHAEL?>>STORMY?
THIS IS MICHAEL COHEN. ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YES.>>AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
>>EXCUSE ME?>>OKAY MICHAEL, I CAN TAKE IT
FROM HERE.>>OKAY, BUT AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I
HIGHLY ADVISE AGAINST YOU –>>SO, WHAT UP, GIRL?
>>HELLO, DONALD.>>COME ON, STORMY, STOP MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S JUST AN ACT.
>>I WORK IN A ADULT FILMS. WE’RE NOT REALLY KNOWN FOR OUR
ACTING.>>JUST TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU
NEED FOR THIS TO ALL GO AWAY?>>A RESIGNATION.
>>YEAH, RIGHT. BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE DOING
PORN. ONCE YOU DO IT, IT’S HARD TO DO
ANYTHING ELSE. BESIDES, MY POLL NUMBERS ARE
FINALLY UP. AND SPEAKING OF “POLLS” BEING
UP — OH, COME ON, WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE SHARK WEEK.
I SOLVED NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA. WHY CAN’T I SOLVE US?
>>SORRY, DONALD. IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT A
A-COMING, BABY.>>I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED AND
SO HORNY AT THE SAME TIME. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

78 thoughts on “Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open – SNL

  1. Stupid ass fucking slutty bitch was ordered to pay Trump's legal fees and her scumbag fucking attorney is going to prison! Fuck Democrats! I love beating the fucking shit out of them!

  2. Yep – a year later stormy Danielle’s is beyond a nothing burger lol / she’s just a sideways sloppy joe and her attorney on his way to jail lol

  3. Stormy has to pay Trump's for legal fees but, oh wait, Avenatti already stole her book deal $$$ and spent it. and he's looking at 404yrs in prison.
    And the liberal media fell for creepy porn lawyer's BS hook, line, and sinker

  4. Bishop there FACES!…EXPLAIN IT ALL!%…SO NOW!..I HAVE TO COME UP WITH A WAY TO BEAT A WIRE TAP?%….NEW!….

  5. THE MATRIX:…IT WORKS ONLINE?….INTERNET!%…BUT NOT TO NEO…AS IN:…real life!…products, phones food, locations!…its all about the money!%….as in!…information and correction of process!…so whats the point?…im not sure!%….?….see it!…with beer and chew tobacco!…to say:…everyone has a crutch!…my dad said:…but to turn it against the best of the BEST, IS A BAD MOVE!…LIKE IN CHESS. (THE OLD SCHOOL EXAMPLE:…)…lots of info but no words to explain. as in JUSTICE PHOTO!….AKA:( justice is fucking blind!…70%…to 80%…of the time)…scale photo with women justice figure….for example. real simple math!%…

  6. Hahahaha!!!! I love watching these old clips knowing what I do now. That stupid twat had to pay Trump’s legal fees and she got fucked over by Avenatti.

  7. Poor Stormy…the show has been on for 43 years and she still biffed the opening by saying Its Saturday Life.

  8. The importance of this is actually quite significant. What a great country we live in to be able to have the freedoms that we do and the freedoms that have been one for us. Only in America can people speak truth to power and challenge the status quo so openly. Put plainly, The fact that all of these public officials can be parodied shows how free we really are. Let alone involving an actual claimant to a case involving the president. What a great country we live in.

  9. The Ivanka and Jared part is absolutely hilarious – Kushner DOES have a very, very high voice for a man.

  10. Trump is funnier than Alec Baldwin-what a schill. SNL was funny when I was a kid and intermittently at best since the 90s. I can’t stand the way the shove their political opinions into the material. Norm Macdonald told them to eat a dick when they asked him to back off because one of the SNL pimps was buddies with OJ …..pretty dumb people in charge = pretty dumb sketches

  11. Watching these old SNL clips do these Lefty Democrats have no shame it's actually funny re-watching these knowing what we know now

  12. At first I thought it was Amy Poehler playing Stormy Daniels; but then I realized it was the real Stormy Daniels in this cold open!

  13. Oh my goodness, it’s black widow herself 💕Scarlett Johansson 💕if there was a woman who could press so many buttons, it would be her 🍌I’d go bananas for 🍌🍌🍌💕

  14. It's funny …I see a the roasting of Trump but yet SNL still feels Trump will be president of the United States..it's funny when you watch it again

  15. I can’t believe they ACTUALLY got Stormy Daniels, that’s amazing 😆
    I never actually realised how beautiful she is, either <3

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