Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen Announcer: We are live and coming to you from the Radford Main Quad! This is the main event of this Friday Lunchtime… it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the one… the only… TRIAL BY HANDBALL!!! And now… our two in-house Commentators for this event! Introducing Steve and Jerry!! Steve: Why yes, thank you very much! Now, we are witnessing the most illustrious event of the century aren’t we, Jerry? Jerry: Indeed, Steve! This is a match that we have all been waiting for since we heard about it from Iago’s Facebook live video yesterday afternoon Unfortunately, our resident MCs, Johnny-boy and Haroldini will not be joining us today, as they are currently attending what hopes to be a successful couple’s therapy session Steve: Yes, Jerry. Let’s hope that‘ll be able to fix their rocky relationship But now, it’s time to introduce our competitors! In the grey corner, this player is a seasoned champion specialising in hands-only combat once defeating the notorious Yr 7 Mafia with only 3 fingers on her left hand! She holds a professional record of 10 wins & no losses Standing 5 foot 6 and weighing in at 130 pounds ladies and gentlemen, the Tennis ball Terminator the Square Supreme “Skinny Elbows” JAFARRRRRRRR!!!!!! Jafar: I would just like to mention that Jafar does not have skinny elbows, thanks! Jerry: Aaaand over in the red corner this underdog champ has a professional record of 9 wins and no losses He’s a classic homage to the high school rules style that we just don’t see enough of in this industry Measuring 185cm high weighing in at SEVENTY THOUSAND grams this is the Foursquare Fuhrer, the Concrete Conquistador ALADDIIIIIIINNNNN!!!!! Steve: We now cross over to our Referee who will outline the rules of this trial Ref: Alright Alright Alright I want a clean, classic game, folks High school rules are on If you hit the ball out, get outta town Two bounces in your square, get outta town If the ball bounces on the line the RAS kids’ll be your hawkeye to check if that stuff is valid I don’t wanna see no foul action going on Best of three wins the trial, alright? Aladdin Yes sir Jafar: Yes sir! Ref: We flip a coin for Ace Aladdin: Heads! Jafar: Tails! Ref: Tails it is Miss, you get the Ace square Jafar: Prepare to go down, Aladdin! Aladdin: In. Your. Dreams, Jafar. Jafar: Aladdin, you’re forgetting my secrets! Ms Rentsch Rentsch: Yes, Jafar? Jafar: I wish to become the best handball player in ALL of Radford college history! Rentsch: Yeah yeah, your wish is my command Jafar: Yes… yes! I can feel this new power in my veins! Get ready to die, Aladdin! Iago: TOP 10 ANIME BATTLES!! *ROUND ONE* RAS #1: We will start the game on the count of three First, thou shalt hold up… the *Holy Handball* RAS#2: Then thou shalt count to three. No more. No less RAS #3: Three shalt be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shall be three RAS#4: Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three RAS #5: Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Handball of Bishop Lewis Bostock Radford towards thy foe RAS #6: Basically just count to three and then start, ok? *murmurs of realisation* RAS: Amen. Jerry: Just witnessed the beginning ritual of Trial by Handball, Steve I must say those RAS kids give me a bit of the *HeEbiE-JeeBIEs* Steve: My sentiments exactly, Jerry Alright, it looks like Jafar begins the first round in Ace These are beautiful conditions for a Trial by Handball For the folks watching at home that, just a reminder that this particular Trial puts Aladdin’s entire livelihood at stake with a teacher, a girl, and some old book on the line Jerry: Yeah it’s a little weird, Steve, but any Trial is still a Trial This one is quite tight, a best of three rounds not quite enough for the two players to fully prove themselves Steve: Now, Jafar plans her serve… aaa what a wonderful solid first serve for the match, you know, Jerry Jafar loves to be in this position at the start of the match she can easily get a feel for the ball in the serve boosting the confidence of her hits Jerry: See, Steve, the thing with handball is that it’s so simple yet SO cAPiTvATiNG so you could just say it’s a game of tennis with a much lower budget but isn’t that what makes ya love it, Steeve? Steve: Right you are, Jerry and it sure makes it much more easier to commentate oh ooh it’s going so fast oh and we just take a shot from Jafar here I wonder how our Prince will cope with that Jerry: He’s sent it back, shortly and swiftly with the first underleg hit of the game and- uh oh! That landing looks troubling for Aladdin if he can’t reposition his feet in time! It’d be a doozie for Jafar’s next return! Steve: Definitely, Jerry! And if Jafar is smart she can pick up on Aladdin’s play and use that to her advantage at a later stage Jerry: Oh my god, can we get a replay of that Steve? As you can see, Aladdin just managed to get his foot out and sent it straight up in the air oh my gosh it’s all up in the air at the moment again wow owo That backspin will cause serious damage! There’s no way Jafar can get to that! There it is the end of the first round goes to Aladdin after some *INTENSE BACKSPIN* *cheering* Aladdin: What’s wrong, Jafar? Thought you were the best handball player in Radford College! Jafar: Ugh! Ms Rentsch! Rentsch: Yes? Jafar: I wish I had more power concentrated into my hands! Ms Rentsch: Weird But uh…your wish is my command Jafar: That will be the first and only failure, rat! Steve: Before we start our next round here’s quick word from our sponsors! PP #5: Thanks Steve! We’re the Permapleat Gang! PP #1: You wanna look stunning? All: Yes! PP #2: Do you wanna look sophisticated? All: Yes! PP #3: Do you wanna look Gucci? All: NO! PP #4: Gucci is a sin you wanna look Permapleat instead PP #1: For a limited time only, use code HANDBALL for 0% off all uniform purchases PP #5: And for one month only we’re having a free giveaway where one lucky winner will receive absolutely nothing! All: The Permapleat Gang! PP #3: Style may be free, but true beauty is 300 dollars from the Radford Uniform Shop Jerry: We now begin our second round, Steve and this time Aladdin is in Ace Oh, he’s going for the extreme high serve here Smart manoeuvre from the boy While it’s not illegal, it utilises the high noon sunshine making the ball difficult to see, let alone return Steve: Right you are, Jerry Fortunately for Jafar, the bounce of the ball allows her to hit back with a stunning return almost identical to that of Aladdin’s turning his tactic right back on him! Aladdin remains unfazed, however and delivers an excellent shot from the chest absorbing that bounce to deliver a possibly fatal blow to Jafar’s defence Well she’s sent it back nice and low and HoLy HeLL iN a bLeNdeR Steve! Would you look at that spin! What Aladdin didn’t account for was Jafar’s palm placement on that ball! That spin of nearly 90 degrees has completely thrown Aladdin off balance! Steve: There is no way Aladdin will be able to save this round now! He lunges behind him… unfortunately for him, that bounce is just too low to reach! And there we are the end of the second round goes to Jafar after a terrible, terrible TERRIBLE fall from Aladdin *cheering* Aladdin: My knee! Steve: Aaand it looks like Aladdin has suffered a major injury in this second round now We have just received information that he has sprained… scraped his knee My word Jerry, an injury like this may just end a handballer’s career Jerry: That’s right, Steve No professional handball player has ever come back from sustaining such damage This could be the end of the Concrete Conquistador as we know it Aladdin may have to forfeit the match! Steve: There is no way Aladdin will be able to play in such a high-level of handball with an injury such as this ??? (offstage): WAIT!! Abu: TIMEOUT! Jafar: Denied! Denied!! Ref: APPROVED! Abu: Aladdin Aladdin! Aladdin!! Look at me. Look at me. You’re gonna be okay, man Don’t walk towards the light Aladdin: Abu… is that you? I… I thought you hated me why are you here? Abu: No, I didn’t mean what I said back then… I guess… I was just a little bit jealous I wanted things to go back the way they were Aladdin: I really made a mess of being popular, huh? Abu: oh no, shh it’s okay, it’s okay Jafar: Jafar just… LOOOOVVES the sentiment but… could we wrap it up in a hot quick second? Ref: They’re having a bromantic moment For the love of Godfrey, let them bro in peace Aladdin: Abu, I’m so sorry for everything I never meant to hurt you. I forgive you Abu: I… I love you Everyone: Awwwwwwwww! Abu: As a platonic friend Aladdin: Oh yeah, of course But… it’s too late for me now I’ll never beat Jafar… I’m sorry… Jafar: Aladdin is near death! That makes Jafar the automatic winner! Ref: Not so fast, young lady According to Ancient Radford Law the Trial by Handball must be completed As you can see… Aladdin is hurt pretty darn badly and cannot complete the Trial Therefore someone else must Abu: I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute! Aladdin: Abu, no! Abu: Aladdin… I started this, and now I’d like to finish it As long as you let me Abu: Go ahead, buddy. See you on the other side Steve: And in a surprising turn of events, it looks like Abu will face off against Jafar in Aladdin’s place! What a beautiful display of friendship and comradery in such a competitive industry Jerry: That one’s for the scrapbooks, Steve With the score tied at 1-all we now move into our final round! Abu: You hurt my best friend Prepare to be defeated! Jafar: You think that you can defeat me the Great and Mighty Jafar??? Abu: No! I will surely defeat you… with the power… of friendship!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jafar: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- (offstage) Hold on! Hold on Hoooold on!!! Woods: I just have one tiny announcement to make! *groaning* Woods: C’mon guys, I actually have happy news! I’m pleased to announce that Radford has officially adopted the family of possums living the cave! Woods: Yes, the mother’s name is Pedro and her son is (des)Pepito Pepito will be joining the Junior School as a Pre-K student so if you walk past them make sure to make them feel welcome If you see them, make sure you say hi and make them feel like so they belong I don’t want *anyone* to make them feel unwelcome I know that Radford is always accepting of new families human or otherwise And I also know that exams are still 14 weeks away… but *regardless*… it’s always good to keep on top of what you need to study and where to be and at what times I don’t want *anyone* showing up late What do I always say? “If you don’t show up in time…” All: “Ms Woods will make you cry” Woods: Thank you, that should be all! Oh my god honey you’re skirt is the perfect length I’m so proud! Well, that should be all Carry on with your fun little game Real Renae-nae: Wait! Wait! WAIT! I have a little announcement! Woods: What about your post-it notes? Renae-nae: iijafghakefnfisomerhr Jafar: Enough dawdling Let’s just do this! Steve: Jafar hits a powerful serve to start You know, we’ve never seen Abu play in the big leagues of handball before so this match-up is entirely unpredictable Jerry: That’s right, Steve What will Abu do with this incoming shot? Steve: I’m on the edge of my metaphorical seat, Jerry… I may just wet myself! Abu: I WILL NOT LOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSEE!!!!!! Steve: Unbelievable play, Jerry! We have just witnessed handball history in the making! Abu has defeated Jafar with just one single hit! Jerry: I can’t believe my eyes, Steve! Abu has won Trial by Handball on behalf of Aladdin! What a competitor! WHAT AN ATHLETE! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHAT A friend *wild cheering* Steve: Indeed. Jerry Absolute scenes here tonight folks This has been a monumental Trial by Handball phenomenon! We’re your hosts, Steven and Jerry, signing out!