Rodney Dangerfield, Bob Nelson and an Entire Football Team (1984)

– And now what I want to do, please, no pictures, all right. I don’t want to be seen here. (audience laughing) I want to bring on now
a very talented guy, a guy who’s worked some
of the most famous bistros in the country, (laughs). No, I’m just kidding around. I’m getting nuts now, it’s getting late, you know what I mean? You know how it is when
you’re born in a truck. (audience laughing) All right, here we go. Our next performer is a very talented guy, a little weird though, a
little weird, I tell you that. I said to him how should I introduce you? He said who gives a shit. (audience laughing)
He’s my kind of guy, okay. Bob Nelson, bring him on. Okay Bobby, here we are now. (audience clapping) – [Bob] All right. – How you doing there, you all right? (audience clapping) (audience laughing) – Yeah! (audience laughing) How ya doin’ babe? What’s your sign? I’m feces. (audience laughing) My friends call me number two. You know, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my entire life. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t know you that well, that was very forward of me. I’m very drunk. You can be very ugly, I can’t tell. (audience laughing) Oh, I’m sorry. I must be full. (audience laughing) – [Man] Wear the fucking shirt. – Do you like football? – [Audience] Yeah! – Good. Yeah. Okay, hold on a second. Let me show you this, this is great. (audience laughing) Oh, first I want to
show you my grandmother. (audience laughing) A lot of people get upset when I do that, but if you saw my grandmother you’d say that’s her. (audience laughing) Here’s my dream girl. Here’s my dream girl
lying down on her back. (audience laughing) Gotta take the good with the bad, I guess. Here she is standing on her head. (audience laughing) Nah, this is my football routine, see. And now, let’s meet the players of the College All-Star Game. Billy Bob Brubeck, University of Texas, (sniffs) right guard. (audience laughing) Tom.
(audience laughing) Robert W. Wilson, Harvard University, quarterback. Hi Muffy. (audience laughing) Number 72. Ah, shit, 27. (audience laughing) Uh, Tony Cappuccino, Brooklyn University, and, ah fuck, oh shit. (audience laughing) Bruce Kuskioski, San Francisco University, tight end. (audience laughing) Stop.
(audience laughing) Really. Next year I hope to be a wide receiver. (audience laughing) Hello. Football is my life. I loves football. You see me playin’ football
on the football field with a football. But when I plays football I make sure that I always
wear protective gear. Such as, my helmets and them shoulder-ma-pads. (audience laughing) Don’t ever go on the field
without these things on, because you could get seriously killed. I myself, when I was a little children, I was playing football with my friends, and my head were accidentally
ripped from my body. (audience laughing) No, and my head was layin’ in the mud. And my body was running around
tackling shit, like this. (audience laughing) Finally one of my friends put my head back on my body. And the doctor said
that I had dain bramage. (audience laughing) But my friends don’t know
what the fuck that shit is. (audience laughing) Anyway, the most important
piece of equipment is called the cup. Now, it ain’t now Dixie cup, it ain’t no coffee mug. And you certainly won’t wanna
be drinking nothing out of it. (audience laughing) It’s a piece the cups you
wear that goes right there and thens you can’t get hurt, look. (imitates thudding) They ain’t now way you can get hurt when you’re wearing your cup. Now, I ain’t got my cup on, (audience laughing) and I can’t see shit right now. (audience laughing) And my testicles are caught
in my shoulder-ma-pads. But I am not here to talk
to you about my testicles. I am here to talk to you
about the United Way. The United Way is the best
candy bar you can buy. Or Milky Way, Milky way.
(audience laughing) The United, no. You can fly anywhere in the United States for $175 on round trip, no that’s to the United Kingdom. Uh, Mutual of Omaha United Kingdom will fly you to the Milky Way bar, half price.
(audience laughing) You see, I don’t really know what the, what the United Way is. This producer said do
the commercial real quick I said I don’t know what it is. So when, but I do know what UMICEF is. (audience laughing) UMICEF is the Halloween disease with the milk container cart and kids come around trick
or treating for UMICEF. (audience laughing)
Now, no seriously. You people probably don’t know. No listen to me man, you peoples probably don’t
know what a UMICEF is. I do, I’ve seen them. It look like a umicorn. (audience laughing) But ain’t no umicorn, it’s a UMICEF, it’s a
man with a willy johnson sticking up top his head like that. (audience laughing)
I’m serious, man. This is where the term dick
face and piss head come from, these UMICEFs all over the world. And they need your money. They need your money desperately. To buy hats. (audience laughing) So give to UMICEF. Or you could give to the
United Negro College Fund. (audience laughing) I give to the United Negro College Fund because to mind is a terrible thing. (audience laughing) And it must be stopped in our lifetime. Before I kill somebody. You know, I’ve been playing
football all my life. If I did not play football, I would not be playing football today. (audience laughing) This has been an
announcement from the MFL. The motherfu- No, the NFL.
(audience laughing) The National Football League. Thank you berry much. (audience cheering) Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you (cheering drowns
out speech), thank you. (audience clapping) – Bob Nelson, huh.
(audience clapping)

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