Taliban Deal, Coronavirus Update & The Pope’s Thoughts on Trolling | The Daily Show: Global Edition


– Welcome to “The Daily Show:
Global Edition.” I’m Trevor Noah.
Before we begin, some news out
of the Vatican City. The pope has suggested
to followers that they give up
Internet trolling for Lent. (laughter) And that– that’s such
a specific instruction. It makes me wonder if the pope
is getting bullied, you know? Someone’s like, “What else
is gonna say?” “For Lent, we should also
give up wedgie-ing the pope “when you see him
in the hallway. Please, Benedict, stop it!” All right, now here it is.
this week’s headlines. Some good news
from Afghanistan, a phrase no one has ever said. America’s never-ending war
with the Taliban might finally be coming
to an end. – America’s longest running war
could finally come to an end. Over the weekend,
the United States signed a deal with the Taliban to end
the nearly two-decade conflict that gripped Afghanistan
in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks and the subsequent
U.S. invasion of the country. The agreement lays out
a time table for the full withdrawal
of U.S. and coalition troops from Afghanistan
within 14 months. In exchange,
the Taliban agreed that it would not allow
Afghan territory to be used by any groups or individuals
to plot future attacks against the United States
and its allies. – This is a big deal. The United States and
the Taliban might have a deal. And this is huge. Besides Taylor Swift
and Katy Perry, this might be the biggest peace
agreement of the century. It’s huge. And after 20 years
and $2 trillion, you have to admit, that’s a lot
of lowered expectations, yeah? No, ’cause America went in
to Afghanistan like, “We’re taking out the Taliban “and bringing in
Western democracy no matter how long it takes!” And now America’s like,
“Uh, we’re– we’re gonna leave. Um, just, like,
don’t do another 9/11, okay?” (laughter) Now, the deal hasn’t
been concluded yet, because there are still
some things that need to be worked out,
which makes sense. ‘Cause if you think about it, these two countries
have been entwined in a 20-year relationship,
all right? We all know
it’s hard to walk away when you’ve spent
that much time together. So, America, let me… let me give you
some relationship tips. (laughter and cheering) First of all, America, let me just say
I’m– I’m proud of you. You’ve realized that
you’re in a toxic relationship with Afghanistan and…
and you’re ready to get out. Now I want to warn you,
for a while, there’s-there’s gonna be a part
of you that wants to go back and bomb them
in the middle of the night, but you stay strong. And you remember,
no matter what you think now, there are plenty of other
Middle Eastern countries out there for you. (cheering and applause) The Democratic primaries. If yesterday
was Super Tuesday, today is
What the fuck Wednesday. So let’s catch up
on the fallout of the biggest voting night
in the primaries in another installment
of “World War D.” (music and cheering) Going into Super Tuesday, the Democratic field
had been narrowed down to four main candidates, which is a long way
from the original 6,000. And as the dust
began to settle, it became clear there were
two winners and two losers. Elizabeth Warren,
one of the night’s losers. You see, she failed
to pick up a single state. And to add insult to injury, in her home state
of Massachusetts, she came in third. Yeah, which is pretty rough. It’s like if you came home
to find your parents had replaced you
with another child. Just be like, “Sorry, honey, we’d like Joe Biden
to be our daughter now.” But she wasn’t the only one
with a disappointing evening. Yeah, another candidate
who hit a low point was Mike Bloomberg,
former New York mayor and best person
to sit behind at a concert. Because after spending the GDP
of a small country on his campaign, his quest for the nomination
ended in failure. – We come in
with this Fox News Alert. Super Tuesday made
for a super shake-up. Democrat Mike Bloomberg today
dropped out of the race after his dismal showing
last night. – Yesterday
was a disaster for Bloomberg. He spent more
than $500 million and won only
a few dozen delegates. Last night,
campaigning in Florida, Bloomberg tried
to sound upbeat. – No matter how many delegates
we win tonight, we have done something no one
else thought was possible. (imitating Bloomberg)
– That’s right, we spent half a billion dollars to
absolutely eat shit. (cheering and applause) They said it couldn’t be done,
but we did it. We did it. (normal voice)
I’m not gonna lie. I still can’t
believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. No, like, I’m also
not gonna be the president, but I spent nothing, I…
No, so, in a way, I feel like I saved
$500 million, you know? (applause) It really is.
That’s how I feel. And the funny thing is–
the funny thing is, right before he dropped out, Bloomberg bought
more TV airtime that he doesn’t need anymore. But I was thinking, like,
since he’s already paid for it, he should use it, right? He should just come on TV
and share his random thoughts. (imitating Bloomberg)
Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. Have you ever noticed you’ve
never seen birds having sex? Kind of weird, huh? Anyway, see you guys
in the next ad break. (cheering and applause) He should just do that
the whole time. Now, the reason
Bloomberg is dropping out now, after just one bad night,
is that– you must remember– he entered the race to be
the moderate alternative to Bernie Sanders. But, last night,
the voters were very clear that they already know
who they want their moderate candidate
to be. – The night belonged
to Joe Biden. – They don’t call it
Super Tuesday for nothing! (cheering and applause) The former vice president
with a massive comeback on the biggest night
of the primary so far. – A fired-up Joe Biden
celebrating his historic night, racking up a string
of commanding victories, including a clean sweep
of states in the South, and a stunning win
in delegate-rich Texas. – The press and the pundits
had declared the campaign dead! Tell that
to the folks in Virginia! (cheering)
North Carolina! (cheering continues)
Alabama! Tennessee! Oklahoma! Arkansas! Minnesota! – Hey! That’s– that’s a Joe Biden
we haven’t seen in a while. Look at him, huh?
Smiling, full of energy, naming states
that actually exist. No, ’cause let’s be honest,
let’s be honest. We were all waiting
for him to give a shout-out to “Pennsyl-chusetts”! I’m serious. I don’t think
I’ve seen Biden this happy since that time Obama taught
him how to ride a bike. This has been a while.
I mean… And, of course, of course, no Joe Biden speech
would be complete without a few moments
where the Wi-Fi dropped out. – It’s a good night! And it seems to be
getting even better! By the way, this is
my little sister, Valerie. – No.
– And I’m Jill’s husband. Oh, no, they–
Oh, you switched on me. This is my wife.
This is my sister. They switched on me.
(laughter) – No, Joe! Really? Joe Biden called his sister
his wife? That’s an awkward mistake. And if you are gonna talk
about your sister wife, you should have
done it sooner, because then
you could have won Utah. (cheering and applause)
Yeah. Oh, and, by the way… (imitating Bloomberg)
Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. I was thinking,
how does a train turn around? Anyway, see you guys
next ad break. (normal voice)
Now, the sister wife thing was just a silly gaffe
that didn’t derail the night. What did cause
a bit of concern was when two protestors
stormed the stage. – During Biden’s speech,
protestors rushing the stage. You see it there,
coming within feet of the former vice president and Dr. Jill Biden, his wife. One woman was swiftly removed by the former
vice president’s body man. Then, moments later,
see it again. A second protestor
storming onto the stage. – Symone Sanders,
his senior advisor, she just comes out of nowhere,
– Look, she takes her out. – Flies onstage and rips one
of the protestors off. – Dr. Jill Biden
protecting her husband by shoving off a protestor
that was storming the stage. Her response?
“I’m a Philly girl.” – Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
That… Jill Biden. See that? Stepped in
and blocked that protester like a white lady
Jackie Chan– Bam! I mean,
I knew she was a doctor. I just didn’t know her PhD
was in ass-whipping. That was amazing. And it wasn’t
just Biden’s wife. Yeah, his senior campaign
advisor, Symone Sanders– did you see that? She handled that protester
like a professional bodyguard. Hell, Biden’s got more women
protecting him than T’Challa. Like, he’s just
killing it out here. No wonder
he’s winning the black vote. So overall, overall,
it was a good night for Biden. But don’t forget–
this contest is far from over. Because this race is all
about winning delegates, right? Not just states,
but delegates. And even with his good night
last night, Biden is still basically
neck and neck with Bernie in the delegate count,
all right? And up until this point,
these two have been super friendly
on the campaign trail. Laughing,
hugging at the debates. But something tells me
those days might be over. – This morning,
it’s now a two-man race. Vermont Senator
Bernie Sanders already sharpening
his attacks against Biden. – One of us in this race
led the opposition to the war in Iraq. You’re looking at him. (applause and cheering) Another candidate voted
for the war in Iraq. (booing and clamoring) One of us has spent
his entire life fighting against cuts
in Social Security, and wanting
to expand Social Security. (applause and cheering) Another candidate has been
on the floor of the Senate calling for cuts to Social
Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and veterans programs.
(booing, clamoring) (imitating Sanders)
– That’s right.
One of us is a bitch-ass! The other person is me! (laughter and cheering) You know
who I’m talking about. Spread the word. (normal voice)
Yeah, people, you can see. The gloves are
officially off. The dentures are in.
(laughter) And things– things are about
to get messy between these two. Not just because there’s
Vicks VapoRub everywhere. No, because
this is the homestretch to find out who will be
the Democratic nominee. And, Bernie, if you’re gonna
attack Joe Biden, I wish you the best of luck. But remember not
to get too close, because then,
you’ll have to deal with Jill. We’ll be right back. – Welcome back
to “The Daily Show.” Let’s talk
about the coronavirus. According to WebMD,
you already have it. Now, every day, we learn more about how this virus
is affecting the world. So let’s check in
on the latest coronavirus news in our ongoing segment,
“Is This How We Die?” (music and cheering) Last week,
we learned that coronavirus has been making its way
through Europe like a trust fund kid
on a gap year. And after throwing Italy
into chaos, the next stop on the trip
is Paris. – Big changes
in France today. The number of cases there
has nearly doubled to 100. The government there really taking
some pretty extreme measures. – The French government banned
indoor public gatherings of more than 5,000 people. That led to the Louvre Museum
shutting down. – The health minister
advising people not to kiss
or shake hands when meeting as President Macron did
days ago with Italy’s leader. – Oh, come on, Macron!
You serious? Italy’s got corona, and you’re kissing
their prime minister? And it’s not just one kiss.
It’s three. That’s three chances
to get sick. Yeah. You’re just like,
“Healthy. Mwah! Healthy. Mwah! Dead. Mwah!” (laughter) And that’s right. The situation
is getting so serious that French people
have been told not to kiss each other hello,
which must be hard. That’s like such an ingrained
part of their culture. You know, it’s like
telling New Yorkers not to jack off on the
subway. That’s how we say hello. (laughter) But these protocols
make sense. Right? Greeting people
with physical contact is not a good idea right now. And black people
are the only people who are really prepared
for this, you know? Everyone else is, like,
shaking hands with you, but black people, like,
we have many different ways to greet each other,
you know? We’ve got
the distant head nod, you know? It’s, like, that whole thing. Yeah, you know, you just… “You look sick.
Stay over there.” You know? And even when black people
shake hands, it’s so complicated
that by the end of it, the virus is like, “Yo,
you lost me on the second… “I-I didn’t…
I didn’t get that part. “That… yeah,
you– you got me. I don’t– I don’t know what–
I’m out, I’m out.” (laughter) Now, while France
is only beginning to grapple with how to contain
the outbreak, Korea is showing the world
how it’s done. – Outside of China, South Korea
has the most coronavirus cases. They’ve come up
with a new, innovative way to test for the virus
in the form of a drive-through. – This is a free service that the city of Goyang
is offering anybody. I just took the test,
actually. Vehicles come through here,
and you get a questionnaire, you get your hands sanitized, and then you go through
a number of stations here. – Damn, Korea is advanced. They’ve got
drive-through testing? And apparently, using this,
they have screened more than 100,000 people
for coronavirus, which is impressive
and probably the first time people going through
a drive-through are getting healthier. But also,
why isn’t America doing this? Right? This is the land
of the drive-through. Yeah, drive-through fast food,
drive-through banks, drive-through liquor stores. I mean, when I’m in a rush, I go to
a drive-through therapist. You know? It’s just like,
“Stop being sad.” “Thank you. Goodbye!” (laughter) And, look,
whether it’s drive-throughs or something else,
America needs to figure out how it’s going to deal
with this pandemic, because it turns out not only
is coronavirus here in the U.S. Apparently,
it’s been here for a while. NEWSMAN: Over the weekend,
health officials announced new infections
in Washington state, Oregon, California, Illinois,
New York, Florida and Rhode Island. – A state of emergency
issued in Washington state, where 13 patients have been
diagnosed with COVID-19. Researchers in Washington
telling ABC News their analysis
of samples of the virus strongly suggest it’s been
spreading in the state for the past six weeks. Yeah, that’s right, people. There’s a chance coronavirus
has been in America for weeks and nobody realized it, yeah. It’s like at the end
of a sports movie where the coach is like, “Guys,
what you’ve been looking for “has been right here
all along. “See, the virus is
in your lungs. “You shouldn’t be
playing basketball. You should be
at the hospital.” But this is really scary,
and so for more on this health crisis
and America’s response, we turn to our senior
medical correspondent Roy Wood Jr., everybody. (cheering and applause) Roy. I… I gotta say, Roy, this virus has everyone
so stressed out. I mean, I’m keeping this can
of disinfectant around to spray on everything. What else can we do
to stay safe? – Stop, stop.
Stop with that. First of all,
Trevor, don’t panic. The most important thing to do
is wash your hands. Just wash your hands.
And don’t rush. You got to wash them
for at least the length of one verse
of a Cardi B song. ♪ Yeah, I wash the back,
then wash the front ♪ ♪ Girl, I make healthy moves ♪
Yeah. And another thing.
Don’t touch your face ’cause you can
make yourself sick. And if you are sick,
remember to stay… (coughing)
…stay at home. (laughter and applause) (Roy clearing throat) Wh-Wh-What? – Did you just corona-cough
in my face? – No!
Didn’t cough in your face. No, I just had some peanuts
a minute ago. They stuck in my throat. (laughter) – Okay, I’m… ‘Cause I’m–
I’m watching you, Roy. Don’t– don’t make me sick. – I’m good, man.
Come on. As I was saying,
it’s important not to panic. Check on your elderly
neighbors, make sure… (coughing) (laughter) (coughing) (laughter and applause) (clears throat) There’s no need for concern. What you need to… (coughing) – Ah, corona! Corona! Corona!
– No! It’s peanuts! It’s peanuts!
– Corona! Get out of here! Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
We’ll be right back. – Welcome back to
“The Daily Show,” everybody. My guest tonight is a lifelong
civil rights advocate for people with disabilities. She’s also the author
of “Being Heumann: An Unrepentant Memoir of
a Disability Rights Activist,” and she’s featured in
the upcoming Netflix documentary “Crip Camp.” – People were not
used to seeing a whole lot of folks
in wheelchairs. And you had to back up.
I mean, you had to back up if you were on the wrong side
in front of that young woman. – The news watch never stops. This is WINS. – They were announcing,
“Paraplegics stop traffic in Manhattan.”
(horns honking) – There were only 50 of us. But, basically,
with the one street, we were able
to shut the city down. – Please welcome
Judith Heumann! (cheering and applause) Welcome to the show. Thank you so much
for being here. Can I just say,
reading– reading this book, I expected
to be impressed by it, but I wasn’t quite expected for how much of a badass
you would be. Um, no, because you– you don’t just advocate
for human rights and– and rights for people
with disabilities, but– but you fight for them and you fight for them
with a passion. Welcome to the show. Before I get
into my first question, I guess what really blew
my mind about your story is that I, specifically,
have taken for granted so many things in life that
I feel like were always there– ramps, you know,
for getting into stores, uh, you know,
ramps that help people get into buses when traveling, all-all measures
that we put in place to help everybody
be part of society. You lived in a world
where that wasn’t true, and you fought
to make those changes. What was that world like before
the world we live in today? – So, I grew up in Brooklyn–
all of you from Brooklyn– and, um…
(cheering and applause) At that time–
So, I was born in 1947. I had polio in 1949. There were no laws. There were no federal laws
that made it illegal to discriminate
against many people. Obviously, the Civil Rights Act
in the U.S. didn’t come about till 1964, and as I got older,
it became a bigger problem, because the school in our
neighborhood was not accessible. My mother took me
to that school, um– P.S. 198. At that time,
it wasn’t accessible. After the laws came into being,
in 1981, it was renovated. The school became accessible. But the principal denied me
entrance into the school because I couldn’t walk, and he said
I could be a fire hazard. – You know,
as an able-bodied person, I take so many things
for granted. We take things for granted
where… – I call you
“non-disabled,” actually. – You call me “non-disabled”?
Oh, I never know which term it is, to be honest,
because in the book– – I call you “non-disabled”
because we also, um… Because the likelihood
of you acquiring a disability, uh, temporarily or permanently is statistically
very high, so… – Did you just threaten me?
– Yes. Definitely. (laughter) – Um… It–
it’s been 30 years now since the American Disabilities
Act was passed. Many would feel like
everything has been done and everyone has access
to what they need. What do you still feel
needs to be improved, specifically
in the United States? – So, I think in the United
States and around the world one of the big issues is
that people with disabilities need to feel proud
of who we are. Um, we need not to be
ashamed of who we are. We as disabled people
and as allies– like I know you are, ’cause
you’ve done some great work on your program, the mental
health piece that you did was fantastic, um…
– Oh, thank you. (applause and cheering) – That’s really, I think,
what the objective is, that we as disabled people
need to band together, speak out against
depression– oppression, or discrimination
against anyone, and that needs to be
the norm. And, I want to just also say,
you know, I live in D.C. And, the Metro there, uh,
some of the most frequent users of the elevators
are men and women who have babies
in baby carriages. – Mm-hmm.
– So, I think we really need to also look at
the kinds of accommodations that theoretically have been
made for disabled people actually benefit
so many other people. – Oh, right, right. – And, people don’t even
realize why they’re there. (applause and cheering) – That’s really beautiful. I– I honest– I loved
every part of your story because of how fierce it is,
because of how funny it is, because of how interesting
it is, because of how much you learn– I mean,
I learned about stories in and around the Disabilities
Act, the story of America. And I learned there was
once a time in New York, when there was
no traffic on some streets. So, thank you so much
for being on the show. I appreciate you
so much for being here. “Being Heumann,” a beautiful
tale from real life is available now,
and Netflix will feature “Crip Camp”
beginning March 25. Judith Heumann, everybody!
We’ll be right back. – Well, that’s it for “The Daily
Show: Global Edition.” But before we go,
some really interesting news out of Pakistan. Due to a warming climate, the country is facing
an unusually large infestation of locusts that are utterly
destroying crops. And so in response,
China offered to send Pakistan a 100,000 ducks
to eat the locusts. (laughter)
This is real. And I’m not gonna lie,
that’s really cool. Like, I didn’t know
that China can just send you 100,000 animals
or creatures or any– Like, we should just
tell them that we’re being invaded by bamboo
so then maybe they’ll send us a 100,000 panda bears. We’d be like, “Ha!
We tricked you! We just wanted hugs. Ahh!”

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