What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers and their managers compete in one musical variety show? Welcome to a very special episode of the Champions… UEFAVISION! I am your host, Sergio Ramos. Let’s get started with our first act! Since Real won last year, I’ve been forced to host the UEFAvision. OK, so why you and not one of your teammates? You don’t want me here? Pay me, I’ll leave. We are Messi. We are Messi. It is our fate. It is our fate. When we’re not blowing three-goal leads, we are great. Oh, we are Messi. It’s time to show. That we are so much better than Cristiano. Sucks! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY WIFE SHAKIRA. [yodeling] Fútbol. Game 1 we made Spurs look like a joke. But there’s two games in a tie. And you’d best believe, the second we— CHOKED! Now it’s transfer time. We goin’ Dutch. So, how was Ajax? I skipped the second half. In Porto! Wow. Pepe. Uh, who would have guessed? So I was sort of hoping that since I’m leaving, I wouldn’t have to join Dortmund on stage. Let’s just say the German performances can get…pretty out there. You like our Yellow Wall? Now face our wall of noise… WALL OF NOISE! Man, I miss those guys. Schalke null vier. Schalke no fear. Wir sind die Knappen. Take me…take me back to the finals of the Champions League! Next up, Atletico, the poor man’s Madrid. Singing for us will be my best friend, DRAKE! A girl up in my DMs, I think I’m gonna block her. I can’t talk, honey. I’m out here watching soccer. They want to go to club, but I can’t. God forbid. Cuz Lord knows I’m a big supporter of— Atletico Madrid. Wait. Atletico’s out?! Who’s in? Uh, Liverpool. So, yeah, growing up in Canada I’ve always been a huge fan of Liverpool. And that was PSG demonstrating why teamwork is important. And now for something completely different: too many English teams. That’s the same crap they played last year. Why do they think they have a chance this time? Oh, he’s good, yeah. Yeah! So Manchester’s Blue. So glad we’re not Man U. Funny how Alexis forgot how to score. They didn’t make top four. Wait, so he can sing in English, but he only speaks Spanish? I don’t get it. I might be just one man. But together, we’re one man United! Uniiiiiited…now that Jose’s gone. I came in like a cock-er-el. Ahhh! Oh. Ouch. Ooo. Um. OK, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Shakira! I can be a Champion.