VOSTENG – Alban Ivanov on the amateur football – Marrakech du rire


I too, should have been a professional footballer, but I had a problem … I was awful at it real shitty I used to play 8th district league It’s the lowest league in football, bellow that there’s Handball You kick off you shoes and get lost We had all kinds of team The blind of “Maurepas” The deaf of “Saint Cloud” The Islamist of
“La verriere” Be aware of the “FC Mosque”,
they sure can play 11 players, 11 bearded men Their logo was a small well shaved beard Each time they score a goal, they all made the plain like that … And they all went straight for poles “ALLAHOU AKBAR” They didn’t joke around Weirdly you can’t find this score celebration in FIFA 15 Careful, I don’t want issues I mean no amalgam,
are they muslim in the room tonight ?! “AID MABROUK” What do you think of my shoes, sir ? Good ? Well, I stole them,
last Friday at the Mosque Hey don’t judge me. Times are rough. you pray, I do my shopping … So, 42 ? To big ! I also tried at the synagog
but shoelaces are too well attached At Church, they only have orthopedic shoes You know those made of wood with heels “Keep going your way …” Go go No but my favorite moment in football, was half time inside the cloakroom You know in standard cloakrooms,
you got benches, water, showers … Ours, was a bar. During the half time it was coffee, cigarettes, beers, weed Before we could get out of our cloakroom,
we got to blow into an alcohol breathalyzer 2 liters ! Go on the front We played hard The coach, was tired of us We used to call the coach “sigh” because as soon as he enters the cloakroom he always said : “Oh guys !! …” “FFFFFFFF” You want the club to close, or what ?!? If so, stop calling Samir, “Samir”.
He plays under the license of Julien, damn ! The referee, sees this ! Come on “Vences” put the drug away … If you could share the ball like you share joint,
we would be in the Champions League Where’s this guy ?
Gazelle, Boubacar come here, COME HERE ! Why do you take a shower during half time ? COME HERE ! I don’t give a shit that you make the queue back home.
Come here. And stop putting water in your bag, come here. Boubacar… you know that I make you play high school football ? You know you’re 35 ? So why do you park your Kangoo, in front of the referee ? Damn, you got your kids with your face on their T shirt,
screaming “GO DADDY !” Come on shave man
and put your short on, they’re all underage here! Where’s this guy ?
Alban, go get ready, your going to play. You were already playing ?? Not anymore, clear out ! That’s how we used to play
and I don’t talk about fouls ! We were much closer to Tekken that Fifa. Our best defender, was known in the all region as “The butcher of Yvelines” “The dexter of Paris” To tell you the truth, one day he tackled a guy and later on, the guy was seen in a reality show … Sir what happened the April 16th 2002 ? Heuuuuu… so… I’m going to explain. I was talking with the goalkeeper And a player from the other team, tackled me here … I remember, because “Predator Adidas” was written there. Very well, but was it during an action ? Did you have the ball, at this moment ? I was a substitute Go ask around, I didn’t get it He came from the sky, like a pelican He must have thought I was a fish He hit me there, then he was gone He dared say to the referee that I didn’t have a shin guard … That’s how we played. Be careful. Be careful, when you choose a sport, if you got children. Choose sports, where you can get cash. Well done guys ! People always say that they are dumb,
but not no. They are driving BMW. No but it’s true, we must do sports where there is cash. Football is good, Formula 1 still good But if your son tells you, that he wants to be a javelin thrower You got to talk to the kid Seriously… Javelin thrower.
We never talk about those people, of course they’re humans. It’s hard, it’s real hard, They can do european championship, world championship, Olympic Games but they don’t earn shit And that’s why they scream before throwing, their javelin ! Damn this shit ! How am I going to pay my rent ?? I’m here with my damn javelin and my gay short. My car in the pound Electricity second warning notice … (rot) Hamdoula Damn, I’m all bloated with their lubia Ok let’s go, it’s still Olympics games,
I got to smile ! Alright honey ? Yeah ? Slut. I’m sure she cheats on me with Samuel Eto’o. Look at my brats faces.
One is 6 years old and he got a mustache ! Ok ! Let’s go. I’m fed up of this shit. Alright Mr. judge, can I start ? Yes ? You can go fuck yourself … Damn what a shitty sport, what a shit life. WHYYYYYYYYY
!!!!!?????!!!!!???? Jamel Debbouze : Alban Ivanov ! Jamel Debbouze : Alban Ivanov ! Ladies and Gentelmen. You will hear about this guy, for sure. Jamel Debbouze : Thank you ! Alban Ivanov : Thanks to you. Thank you Marrakech ! Alban Ivanov : Djibril, I’ll see you in my lodge…

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